Man has Sex with Bike.

[Animator!]

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years. Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.
"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex." Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink. The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.
He now lives in Ayr.

This is about as god as it gets.

 

[Deleted member 13648]

Some people really need to discover girls.

 

[evertonfan]

I actually thought Bike was a metaphor before I read the the contents of the thread.

 

[Animator!]

I like that he's been on the sex offenders list to protect other unsuspecting bikes.

 

[Highlander999]

When I heard about this on Friday I thought it was a wind up. What a freak

 

[evertonfan]

Right. Time for the cheesy puns;

I bet it was a good ride.

 

[Deleted member 13648]

I wonder if he rung her bell...

 

[Animator!]

What I wonder is, was it consecual? If not, then he's got a whole different set of charges.

 

[evertonfan]

Also, was the bike under-age? He could be looking at rape and pedophilia here.

 

[Animator!]

Exactly. I wonder if this anal as well. So many questions.
Was there foreplay as well?
Did he take the bike out for a nice meal, wine and dine the bike then retire to his hotel for crazy funtime to have cleaners walk in mid-way.

 

[Deleted member 13648]

Daaaaaaaaaaaamn!

 

[Animator!]

I'd tap that rear wheel. Fo sho.

 

[evertonfan]

Stuart, PC has a strict no-pornography rule. I advise that you remove that fine piece of ass immediately.

You reckon the bike made breakfast in bed for him as well? Along with cleaning the dishes and all the other housework chores that every good woman should do.

 

[Animator!]

Nah. I bet it slipped out the back door while he was asleep. Cheap piece of metal.

 

[evertonfan]

Gah, it was probably the town bike anyway.

*hangs head in shame*