Qantas Airlines Pilot Gripes

[Kev]

Just got this by email and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The Mechanics correct the
problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded
by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

(P= the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= the solution and/or action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle lever to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Already read it, was in my big 'ol document of jokes I posted here a while back :o

 

[duffarama]

Just got this by email and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The Mechanics correct the
problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded
by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

(P= the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= the solution and/or action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle lever to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I think that's enough bagging of Australian aeroplanes thanks.
Funny stuff by the way.
Didn't know you were a comedian Kev.