Funny stuff

[Maxkarter]

http://www.allfunnypictures.com/pages/bumper2.html

AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.


Reasons to believe computers are Female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about asinformative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Reasons to belive computers are Male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Philosophic Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

 

[Maxkarter]

Some new stuff for my unpopular thread.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"with"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

 

[Maxkarter]

Dutchman jokes

Q. Why do Dutchmen wear red suspenders?
A. So they can use them to strangle helpless, enslaved Frisian Islanders.
Q. Who was the Dutch lady I saw you with last night?
A. That was no lady. That was a dike.
He: I just ate some Dutch cheese.
She: Was it Gouda?
He: Jesus, no. It was awful God knows what was in it.
He: There were several Dutch cheeses on that plate.
She: Edam?
He: Are you kidding? I might have been poisoned.

Q. What did the Dutch tulip farmer do when the traveling Frisian asked to stay overnight at his windmill?
A. He made him sleep with his Dutch elm disease-ridden daughter, then baked him alive in his delft-tile kiln.
Q. Why did Hitler firebomb Rotterdam, Gomorrah of the North?
A. Because he liked his burghers well done.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because land-hungry Dutchmen had turned
its precious marshy habitat into barren tulip fields.
Q. What's white on the outside and black and blue all over?
A. A defenseless Flemish nun who was tied to a windmill arm,
then whipped by a vicious Dutchman with a cat-of-nine-tulips.

He: Who is the smartest Dutchman?
She: Senator Joseph Lieberman.
He: But he's Jewish.
She: He fooled you too, didn't he?
Q. Why don't they have baptisms in the Dutch Reformed Church?
A. Because they drained all the fonts and planted them with tulips.

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Amsterdam. "
"Amsterdam who?
"Answer the damn door, you slimy cheesegobbling zee-drainer! Either you come out and take your medicine or I'll bust it down and come in there and beat you into a pulp like any right-thinking American should."
Q. How many Dutchmen does it take to torture a hapless Frisian?
A. One to stoke the kiln and six to turn the spit.

Q. What has eighteen legs, eats cheese, smells bad, and has a florid complexion?
A. A Dutch baseball team play
ing with the head of a decapitated Belgian.

Company toilet policy

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide
a
more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours,
thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.



In future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with
computer-linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated
to open at the sound of a person's voice.

Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two
voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22
toilet trip credits, which may be accumulated.

Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of
the
toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first
working
day of the following month.

In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed
paper-roll
extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an
alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will
retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will
open
automatically.

If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by
a
security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.

Anyone appearing on this board three times will forfeit three
months' toilet trip credits.

Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo
counseling by a clinical psychologist.

Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any
injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting
into
the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening.

We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if
you
have any problems with this policy, you should make more use of your
own
toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your hearts content.

Please share with your service teams.

SA in Aus

A South African ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.


Ventriloquist: "G'day friend! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Dutchman."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the Aussie)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Aussie)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Aussie: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!

Toilet Cleaning

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the ?Power-wash? pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed at which he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

 

[Cowburn199]

HAHAHA :laugh !.How did this not get posts !
Awesome jokes Maxkarter

 

[pentagram]

no offence,but not good.

 

[Maxkarter]

No offence, but if you have no humour why don't you stay away from this forum?

 

[Deleted member 9102]

Edit: Chris Gayle

 

[Maxkarter]

Some more

Juicy Squirt
spacer
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Plastic Surgery Miracles

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

Bus Incident

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[Cowburn199]

LOL I use AOL and like it but this is still damn funny

AOL is terrible ! I feel sorry for you

 

[pentagram]

No offence, but if you have no humour why don't you stay away from this forum?

listen Mr Karter. when you post something in public u have to be prepared to face both kinds of responses. you cant expect everybody to like your jokes and you got to be man enough to take those comments that criticise your work. if you cant pls post that you are not capable of handling negative responses,so that people like me dont post them.
BTW you are nobody to tell me to keep away from this forum.

 

[Maxkarter]

Once again another poor fool doesnt understand the use of a '' smiley.........
I understand that not everyone has the same 'taste' in jokes, and you dont seem to understand a simley......

 

[pentagram]

EDIT: Putting down another user

 

[Cowburn199]

Look pentagram if you didn't like his jokes then why did you post here with a useless comment in the first place.

 

[pentagram]

where else do you want me to post a comment on his jokes?

 

[Bilal91]

Great jokes...