Best Simpsons Quotes

brad352

brad352

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May 2, 2003
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Burns: Did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.

Homer: "Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"

Homer: "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

Homer: "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
 
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Homer: "Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is."

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
 
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of froghurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The froghurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer:"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy."

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
 
Operator:"The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now."

Homer:"Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

Homer:"And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!"

Marge:"Homer, it's very easy to criticize..."
Homer: "and fun, too!"
 
Burns: "Oh, 'meltdown'. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus."

Homer: "Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech!"

Homer: Look Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs!

Chief Wiggum: Okay Simpson, I've heard reports that this game is crooked. Now, maybe we can come to some sort of understanding...
Homer: I understand... (pause)
Bart: Uh, Dad, I think he wants a?
Homer: Quiet Bart, Daddy is talking to a police officer.
Wiggum: Hmph, I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Do you have any bills around here?
Homer: (pause) He's Bart.
Wiggum: Argh, I'm going to make this painfully obvious and watch for the wink. No the real guy I'm looking for, wink, is a Mr. Bribe, wink wink.
Homer: (pause) It's a ring-toss game!
Wiggum: That's it! I'm shutting this game down!
 
(The other) Seymour Skinner: You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted then to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't you lead us son?
Bart: Hey America, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, America.

Stern-Lecture Plumber: Well... it'll take three weeks for the parts to arrive, if I order them today... which I won't. Until then, just put a pan under it.
Homer: (puts pan down, in waist-high water) Oh, It's not working!

Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel Six Newscopter. A large bear-like animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food, or perhaps employment.

Marge Simpson: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yep, pretty much... except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
 
Homer: What does ?sequestered? mean?
Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does ?deadlocked? mean?
Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
Homer: Uh-huh, and ?if??
Skinner: A conjunction meaning ?in the event that? or ?on condition that?.
Homer: So ?if? we don't all vote the same way, we'll be ?deadlocked? and have to be ?sequestered? in... the Springfield Palace Hotel!
Patty Bouvier: That's not going to happen, Homer.
Jasper: Let's vote, my liver is failing.
Homer: Where we'll get... a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO?oh, Free Willy!
Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote.
Homer: How are all you guys voting?
Jury: Guilty!
Homer: Okay... how many S's are there in innocent?
Jury: (all groan)
Homer: I think Freddie Quimby should walk out of a here a free hotel.

Reporter: Question for the barbecue chef: don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending under qualified civilians into space?
Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute... Statue of Liberty?that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Wiggum: Book him Lou, one count of being a bear... and one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Brockman: Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A&M spreads like wild-fever... This is writing?
Writer: I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.
Brockman: ?My thesaurus?, you'll lose more than... In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional-seating-capacity fever. Argh!
 
Homer: Marge, do you think I'm stupid?
Marge: (pause) No.
Homer: Okay good-night... hey, wait a minute! Why did it take you so long to respond?
Marge: (pause) No reason.
Homer: Okay good-night... hey, wait a minute! Are you humoring me? Marge: (pause) Yes.
Homer: Okay good-night... hey, wait a minute! That's bad!

Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here: fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!
Bart: Hey Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I... don't know.
Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

Homer: "If anyone asks, Marge, you need 24 hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie's seven people and Bart was wounded in Vietnam."
 
Mr. Burns: "Smithers... [sniff, sniff] Do you think maybe the... power plant killed those ducks?"
Mr. Smithers: "No 'maybe' about it sir..."
Mr. Brusn: "[Sniff]... excellent."

Homer: "Marge, we're going out! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!"
Marge: "Okay!?

Patterson: "Sorry I'm late, someone cut the breaks on my car."
Homer: "Well then you should have been early."

Chief Wiggam: "Oh my God! Someone took a bite from the giant rice crispy square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutaly beaten."
 
Sideshow Bob: "Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I'm fairly indifferent."

Bob: "You do know I used to have a... problem with trying to kill people."
Cecil: "Goodness! I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the past decade, in a cave with my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears."
Bob: "Touch?, Cecil."

Lisa: "Dad, we did something very bad!"
Homer: "Did you wreck the car?"
Bart: "No."
Homer: "Did you raise the dead?"
Lisa: "Yes."
Homer: "But the car's okay?"
Bart and Lisa: "Uh-huh."
Homer: "All right then."

Drill Sergeant: "Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you."
Homer: "I like you."
Drill Sergeant: "Well, I don't like you."
Homer: "Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better"
 
[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.


Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
 
Homer: No offense Apu, but when they're handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again.

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

Homer: Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!
 
Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

Cpt. McNeil: I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib?
Cpt. McNeil: Promote this man

Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.


Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.
 
Grandpa: Now where's my card. Ok, I'm an elk, a communist, the president of the gay and lesbian comittee for some reason, oh here it is. The Stone cutters.
Homer: Yes thank you dad. Lets go!.... I'll take this communist one too!

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
 
Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what".

Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.

Frink: ...and these (handing books to Homer) should give you the grounding you'll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics and of course microcalifragalistics.
Homer: Er, look, I just want to know how to invent things.
Frink: All you have to do is think of things which people need but which don't exist yet.
Homer: You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
Frink: Www oh well, possibly. Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it, like...
Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.
Frink: Mmm well, I suppose that would qualify.
Homer: Thanks sucker. (Homer throws the books and runs off)
Frink: Weh, uh, alright just stay calm Frinky. These babies will be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix bhay-gn-flay-vn.

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.
 
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