Helppppp!

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Right guys. The deadline for the Descriptive Writing piece is tomorrow. I have done it but its a bit too short. I need help. Here it is so far. BTW: Its a descriptive writing piece in a Doctor's Surgury.

Arslaan Khalid said:
Immediately, the smell of disinfectant strikes the nose of the various patients like a train smashing into a guard railing despite knowing the dangers. Posters scattered in various areas of the surgery advertising the health risks of smoking greeted the patients.

An elderly woman in her mid 80s strolled in towards the torn and worn bench and stumbled to a halt. Her wheezing could be heard by the patients widespread across the surgery as they covered their faces with tissues.

A Mother and her 6 year old daughter were seated adjacent to the brown fish tank which was dominated by lush, green seaweed and had two orange goldfish, each looking identically confused and aimlessly going with the flow of the water.

The crackle of the speaker broke the dead silence as the Doctor addressed a ?Mrs Westwood.? She rose steadily and with a creaking noise in her knee joints, and spluttering cough simultaneously as she made her way swiftly towards the main door labelled in a gold text ?Dr Jason Okhari.?

A dark Blue, square shaped box filled with toys was in the vicinity of a blue-eyed boy. His eyes lit up promptly as he stretched his little arm into the box hoping to get the best toy. The rattle of the toys brought a huge smile to his round face along with a high-pitched twitter as he stared, his eyes zoning in on the plastic red noddy car.

Anybody quickly add to it?
 
An elderly woman in her mid 80s strolled in towards the torn and worn bench and stumbled to a halt. Her wheezing could be heard by the patients widespread across the surgery as they covered their faces with tissues.

Instead of "80s" Id put eighties as it looks better when being read and instead of "towards the torn and worn bench and stumbled" i'd put "towards an old torn bench stumbling to a halt as he reached it"

A dark Blue, square shaped box filled with toys was in the vicinity of a blue-eyed boy. His eyes lit up promptly as he stretched his little arm into the box hoping to get the best toy. The rattle of the toys brought a huge smile to his round face along with a high-pitched twitter as he stared, his eyes zoning in on the plastic red noddy car.

Here I'd put "A dark blue square box which teemed with toys lay next to a young blue eyed boy who seemed oblivious to his depressing surroundings as he reached out for a toy that had caught his eye."

Just some of my thoughts.
 
Lol, PLAGIARISER!! Taking credit for our work :p



Some general tips if you have space left is not to lengthen the story by adding more events, but to just describe things a bit more. The surroundings, the sounds, the smells, the emotion in their faces. Maybe elaborate the dialogues or thoughts to make them clearer. If you have a large amount of space left (Another 150 words?), then maybe try adding some more events.

In this case, seeing as it is descriptive, just keep laying on the descriptions thick. I remember Lord of the Rings had like 5 pages or something dedicated to describing the view from a mountain, and it's an award winning book! You can never have enough description :p
 

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