Lord of The Rings - Secret Diaries

[Maxkarter]

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI - SON OF GLOIN

DAY ONE

Grr. Argh.


DAY TWO

Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.


DAY THREE

Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't even grow decent beards.


DAY SEVEN

Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fianc?e in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.

Later.

Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!


DAY NINE

Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ?our relationship.?


DAY THIRTEEN

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That?s right, Isildur?s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.


DAY FOURTEEN

In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.


DAY FIFTEEN

Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.


DAY SIXTEEN

Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.


DAY TWENTY

In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.


DAY TWENTY-TWO

Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.

 

[duffarama]

You really think I am going to read through all of your posts in this thread maxkarter?

 

[Maxkarter]

You really think I am going to read through all of your posts in this thread maxkarter?

You cant resist humour so I know you will read it all

 

[Wildwil]

It is quite funny

 

[india rock]

I made up a title for a different lord of the rings

Howabout

Lord Of The Fillings-Return of the cavity

 

[Maxkarter]

To make Duff happy

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARWEN UNDOMIEL

Day One

Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine's Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.


Day Two

Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.


Day Three

Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.


Day Six

Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?


Day Eleven

Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him 'the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike' at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn?t understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.


Day Thirteen

Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.


Day Fifteen

Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!


Day Seventeen

Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, 'What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?' Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, 'The Still Not King guy, right?' Did not respond; some people don't deserve my conversation.


Day Eighteen

Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.


Day Twenty

Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not around?


Day Twenty-Four

Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Twenty-Five

Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn's direction... alas no dice. 'But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!'

Whingy little hobbit, I've no patience at all.


Day Twenty-Six

Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.

Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.

Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: 'Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.' Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.


Day Twenty-Seven

Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.


Day Twenty-Nine

Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits? quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.


Day Thirty

Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing - all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing - all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing - will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.


Day Thirty-Two

Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: 'You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself.' To which he replied, 'If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.'


Day Forty

Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn?s pocket for nothing.

 

[duffarama]

Looks like you are having the absolutely opposite effect on me Maxkarter.
Sorry mate, I can't seem to read through that trash. :cool:

 

[Maxkarter]

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ELROND

Day 1:

Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.

NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.


Day 3:

Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.


Day 2,0045:

So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!

Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond of.


Day 200048:

Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite the party.


Day 200050:

Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?


Day 200051:

Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.


Day 200059:

Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.


Day 200061:

Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after all.


Day 200068:

All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath
bubbles?

Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.


Day 200071:

Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?


Day 200072:

Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.

Tiara looks better on me anyway.


Day 200075:

Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of
Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny -- purple dress looks fabulous on me.


Day 200076:

Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice -- she gets so grabby about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way to get another dress like it.

Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!

 

[Maxkarter]

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GOLLUM

Day One

Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.

Stupid Sauron.


Day Five

Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch 'Flipper' over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.


Day Six

Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of 'The Faculty.' Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.


Day Eight

Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. 'Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers.'


Day Ten

Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.

Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.


Day Eleven

Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen's dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas' boots-and-skirt ensemble.


Day Thirteen

Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.


Day Fifteen

Cannot believe men still using hoary old 'Blow the Horn of Gondor' pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.

Too bad for Isildur's Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Thirty

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.

Stowed away in Legolas' backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.


Day Thirty One

V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn?t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.


Day Thirty Three

Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.


Day Thirty Four

Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.

Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.


Day Thirty Six

In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn?t exactly getting any older, either.


Day Thirty Nine

Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.

 

[moza1]

They are pretty funny.

But I only read up to Merry's diary.

 

[zimrahil]

I have found them all to be hilarious

 

[Maxkarter]

Missed yesterday, so two for today!

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAURON

Day One:

Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.


Day Five

Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.


Day Six

Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?

-later-

Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.


Day Three Million Five:

Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal ads, as am lonely.


Day Three Million Seven:


I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty dashboard ornament. Which King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.


Day Three Million Nine:

ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!

later..

Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their elbows from asshats, that is.


Day Three Million Eleven:

Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me. Finally someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery barrettes.


Day Three Million Thirteen:

Tried to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said some idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not clear up confusion just yet.


Day Three Million Sixteen:

Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.


Day Three Million Twenty:

Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?

Think Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask S. to clarify.


Day Three Million Twenty-One:

Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?
Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason to snub me.


Day Three Million Twenty-Two:

Have been watching Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really v. pretty, I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit companion would probably kill me if I tried anything.


Day Three Million Twenty-Three:

Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place, Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.


Day Three Million Twenty-Four:

No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon types, no use at all.


Day Three Million Twenty-Five:

Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that?s why the blood of Numenor died out.


Day Three Million Twenty-Six:

Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.

Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch the fireworks.

later

Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.


Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:

Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, v. bad. Humans killed : one. Go Uruk-Hai!

Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?

Maybe is just me.


The Very Secret Diary of Saruman the White

DAY ONE

Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.


DAY TWO

Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.


DAY THREE

Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.


DAY SEVEN

Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.


DAY NINE

Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.


DAY THIRTEEN

Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could ! taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.


DAY FOURTEEN

All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.


DAY FIFTEEN

Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.


DAY SIXTEEN

Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then theree's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.

What a bunch of yobbos.


DAY TWENTY

Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerlea! ders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.


DAY TWENTY-TWO

Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.


DAY TWENTY-FOUR

If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?


DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should f! ind less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.


DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.

 

[duffarama]

I have found them all to be hilarious

I like your sarcasm Zimmo.

This thread is boring me to death maxkarter to tell you the truth. I'm not sure how you are getting away with it. It is taking ages to read through all this!

 

[barmyarmy]

I actually found them funny as well so I don't think Zim was being sarcastic...
Looks like someone's had a humour bypass!

 

[Maxkarter]

Last one to be posted.

The Very Secret Diary of Theoden


Day One

Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.


Day Two

New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.


Day Three

Is that a grey hair?


Day Four

New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.

Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.


Day Six

Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for whining.


Day Seven

Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.


Day Eight

Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!

Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.


Day Ten

Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.


Day Eleven

Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.

Day Eleven, Later

Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.

Am not sure how, but it is.


Day Thirteen

Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.

Day Thirteen, Later

Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.


Day Sixteen

Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.

Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?