The Jokes Thread

[Varun]

The dutiful daughter showed up at the house with a man who was nearly naked except for a garishly painted mask, a spear, some feathers and a loincloth.

Looking right out of a jungle movie, the man chanted, danced and sprinkled some powder over the furniture.

"Well, here he is, Mother!" She beamed. "The man of our dreams. I met him this morning and just so he shouldn't get away, I married him this afternoon.
Her mother was totally horrified. "Why? Why him?" she cried.

"But, Mother." answered her confused daughter, "He's just the type of man you always said that you wanted me to marry."

Her mother shook her head and groaned, "I said RICH doctor, darn it, RICH doctor!"

 

[Themer]

Haha.

I quite enjoyed that one.

 

[Varun]

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had happened. Finding the rabbit dead, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

"Don't worry," said the woman, "I know what to do." She ran to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. Walking over to the limp rabbit she sprayed the contents of the can over the dead animal.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Some 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved at the two again.

At further 50 metres he hopped, turned and waved at the gaping duo again before hopping away. The man was astonished. He turned to the woman and demanded,"What did you spray on the rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that he could read the label. It said 'Hair Spray, Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.'

 

[AkshayS]

:laugh
That was a pretty good, enjoyed it.

 

[Bevab]

Amazing joke Varun. KIU.

 

[Pranav]

On their wedding night, the bride approached her husband and asked for $50 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$2 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $3 million.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!

 

[Themer]

Oh shite, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

 

[Dutch]

Oh shite, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

Good one....it is the same with the "search" feature on my US computer as well...I keep looking for a file only to be told it is "probably in a cave in the Pakistani/Afghan border area!"

 

[pcfan123]

 

[AbhishekS]

Year 2019 - Indian Cricket World Cup News:


1: India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the World Cup Qualifiers in the Asia - Pacific zone.

2: Coach Sehwag said that he is not worried because he has the backing of the selectors, captain and board. Also that they had won a close match against Papua New Guinea just 2 years ago.

3: Rahul Dravid, the coach of New Zealand team said that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let his son take over the captaincy.

4: MS Dhoni broke Ajit Agarkar's record for the most number of conecutive ducks in Twenty20s.

5: Sourav Ganguly, the coach of England feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field.

6: The current leading man from bollywood, Brett Lee advices MS Dhoni to take up acting as well.

7: Minnows Pakistan beat Ireland in a close match, and thus they avenged their defeat in the 2007 WC against the then minnows Ireland.

8: Inzamam Ul Haq, who was the captain of the losing team and now the present coach said in a press interview that
"Boys plays well...they tries hard...Inshallah we wins the world cups"

9: The police arrested 8 people for voilence after England and New Zealand match.
Investigations revealed that these people were members of Dravid and Ganguly fan communities on Orkut which have 623241516 and 126542 members respectively.

10: The Indian Cricket Board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action. Former players like Yuvraj singh, Mohammad Kaif, VVS Laxman and Anil Kumble have been invited. Coach Sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report.

11: VVS Laxman today created a new controversy by saying that he expected a written apology from Rahul gandhi for including him in the category of former players. He said that he has improved his fielding and fitness and wants to play 2023 WC in Brazil.

 

[Bilalshuja]

nice one yudi........

Bilalshuja added 4 Minutes and 52 Seconds later...

READ THIS SCARY STORY IF YOU DARE.

On a rainy day,

an old man was standing with a book for sale.

A young man came to buy.

He bought the book for Rs.3000.

Old man advised
“
DONT OPEN LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK othrwise YOU’ll face problem”
Man finished the book with great fear but didnt open the last page.
.

 

[AbhishekS]

Old man advised
“
DONT OPEN LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK othrwise YOU’ll face problem”
Man finished the book with great fear but didnt open the last page.
.

You did not finish the joke and it is quite old. On the last page, it was printed that the book's actual cost is just Rs. 30, right?

 

[Varun]

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published
in the Far East Economic Review.
(Read this aloud for the funny part)

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're welcome"

 

[sachin_rocks]

READ THIS SCARY STORY IF YOU DARE.

That is really scary if present in the jokes thread

sachin_rocks added 0 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...

snip

Didn't Understand that

 

[deathrevenge9]

Didn't Understand that

You don't really need to quote the whole post.

deathrevenge9 added 0 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...

@Varun:I didn't get that either.