Shevchenko
Club Cricketer
Hi to all whom are waiting for my new joke, unfortanetly I could not think of any one good enough to post but I will give it a shot, its been bit of a hectic week for me with last month's moving from South Africa to Namibia, and now the trip to Mozambique due to work this week!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the security level has just been raised from 'miffed' to 'peeved'. Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'a bit cross'. Londoners have not been 'a bit cross' since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'tiresome' to 'a bloody nuisance'. The last time a 'a bloody nuisance' warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'RUN' to 'HIDE'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability. It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from 'shout loudly and excitedly' to 'elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain, 'ineffective combat operations' and 'change sides'.
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'disdainful arrogance' to 'dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They have two higher levels 'invade a neighbour' and 'lose'.
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from 'isolationism' to 'find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change'. Their remaining higher alert states are 'attack the world' and 'beg the British for help'.
Proverbs
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one is classic!
Strike while the ..........................insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
And the favourite:
Better late than............................pregnant.
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.
9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if he can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'
19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, 'You're one of THEM!' and back away slowly.
21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, 'I have new socks on.'
25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, 'This is MY personal space!'
Scientific Theory
'A magazine' held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
This theory received a reply from another reader:
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's Cream Crackers.
So to save money I think you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Consider that the probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
P = S* t(t)/tc
where P is the probability of carpet impact, and S is the stain value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high S value, while the 3D value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping respectively - the value of P being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even Chicken Tikka Masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is clear that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a P value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala plastered on its back will be certain to hover in mid air.
Contrastingly, there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety, but also public sanity, if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white wool shag pile carpet.
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the security level has just been raised from 'miffed' to 'peeved'. Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'a bit cross'. Londoners have not been 'a bit cross' since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'tiresome' to 'a bloody nuisance'. The last time a 'a bloody nuisance' warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'RUN' to 'HIDE'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability. It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from 'shout loudly and excitedly' to 'elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain, 'ineffective combat operations' and 'change sides'.
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'disdainful arrogance' to 'dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They have two higher levels 'invade a neighbour' and 'lose'.
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from 'isolationism' to 'find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change'. Their remaining higher alert states are 'attack the world' and 'beg the British for help'.
Proverbs
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one is classic!
Strike while the ..........................insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
And the favourite:
Better late than............................pregnant.
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.
9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if he can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'
19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, 'You're one of THEM!' and back away slowly.
21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, 'I have new socks on.'
25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, 'This is MY personal space!'
Scientific Theory
'A magazine' held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
This theory received a reply from another reader:
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's Cream Crackers.
So to save money I think you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Consider that the probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
P = S* t(t)/tc
where P is the probability of carpet impact, and S is the stain value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high S value, while the 3D value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping respectively - the value of P being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even Chicken Tikka Masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is clear that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a P value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala plastered on its back will be certain to hover in mid air.
Contrastingly, there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety, but also public sanity, if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white wool shag pile carpet.
