The Jokes Thread

Is wittiest/funniest answer competition a good idea?


  • Total voters
    16
  • Poll closed .
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
 
World Passport Record Bureau

Get Your Passport Information

passport1.jpg

I just can?t believe this website

http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport

They hold the passport details of people in the
world. Just give the first name, Last name and the
country you are living. It gives your Passport Details.
How is this possible? Where is the security for
the Government Database of each country :eek: ? Anybody can
answer? :rolleyes:
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SOME JOKES

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a
beautiful young lady at his side.
?I?m looking for a special ring for my girlfriend?, he said. The jeweler
looked through the stock and took out an outstanding ring
priced at $5,000.
?I don?t think you understand - I want something very unique.?, the man
said.

At that, now very excited jeweler went and fetched a special stock from the
safe.
?Here?s one stunning ring at $40,000.?
The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

How are you paying??, asked the jeweler.
I?ll pay by cheque; but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I?ll write a cheque and you can phone the bank
tomorrow, and then I?ll fetch the ring on Monday.?

Monday morning, the utterly disappointed jeweler phoned the man. ?You lied,
there?s no money in that account.?

?I know - sorry - but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had.
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Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other

to check whether it is working.

He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO
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Scorpion, is there ever a time when you are not funny? ;)
Nah joke. I'm enoying your humour, keep posting your jokes in! :D
Cheers.
 
LOL! for the passport site I searched on duff's and it sure is real :D
 
Shailesh said:
LOL! for the passport site I searched on duff's and it sure is real :D
I think that's a bit of an invasion of privacy. ;)
Shailesh, it looks like we are twins. It seems that we are both monkies. ;)
 
duffarama said:
I think that's a bit of an invasion of privacy. ;)
Shailesh, it looks like we are twins. It seems that we are both monkies. ;)

LOL! a fact (?) proven by our avatars :eek:
 
Nice jokes
Here's some more:
One day,a blonde is driving down the freeway and is pulled over by a traffic cop.The cop walks over to the window and says,"Ma'am,can I see your drivers license."The blonde,confused, asks,"well,what does it look like?"
"Its something that has your picture on it"replies the officer."The blonde starts digging through her bag and and comes across a mirror,sees her reflection in it and says."Ah,here it is!".She then passes it to the officer.
The cop takes it and looks at it,then in surprise says,"Oh,I didn't know you were a traffic cop!,you can go"
...............................................................................................................................................................................................
This is an actual radio conversation of an Australian Naval ship with
New Zealand authorities off the west coast of the south Island near
Milford sound in October 1975.

Kiwis: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

Aussies: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a
collision.

Kiwis: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to
avoid a collision.

Aussies: This is the captain of an Australian Naval Warship. I say
again, divert your course.

Kiwis: NO I say again, you divert your course.

Aussies: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMAS MELBOURNE, THE LARGEST SHIP
IN THE AUSTRALIAN NAVY. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
FRIGATES AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Kiwis: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE YOU AUSSIE IDIOT! YOUR CALL !!!
 
lol, good one there gibbs :)

sorry guys couldnt post jokes for some time as i was busy with sky sports
overlay and as it is on the verge of completion i finally managed to find some time ! HERE THEY ARE :

BILL CLINTON JOKES :



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The punishments in hell

A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."

The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."

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Bill Clinton Nicknames

McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel

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Candidate Clinton vs. President Clinton


Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage
President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same

Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti
President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti.

Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992
"I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts with a tax cut on the middle class."

Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992
"I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy."

President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993
"From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that."

President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993
"I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can't."

Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992
"The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."

President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993
"We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to cha.

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