duffarama
Chairman of Selectors
Cheers scorpion. We all still love you mate.scorpion_rulezz said:Sorry Guys
I have messed up to much with my PC. A few things need to be changed,than will come up with nice & fresh jokes :happy
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
scorpion_rulezz
Club Cricketer
Here you go guys short update on jokes will add more soon
& Don't forget to make your precious Comments
Contributions are Welcomed
Hand Shake
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students
:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would
you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..
**********************************************************
Short Jokes
A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child. The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous prostitute dies...at her funeral a man stading there says:at least now they will be together...other man asks: Are you talking about her husband...first man replies: No her legs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A baby boy and a baby girl are in a bath tub having a bath.
Girl looks down at the boy's and says. can i touch it
Boy says. No way........ You have already broken yours...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman complaining to dentist: I had rather get pregnant than have a tooth filling! Dentist: ok, decide from now so i can adjust the chair accordingly.
**********************************************************
& Don't forget to make your precious Comments
Contributions are Welcomed
Hand Shake
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students
:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would
you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..
**********************************************************
Short Jokes
A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child. The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous prostitute dies...at her funeral a man stading there says:at least now they will be together...other man asks: Are you talking about her husband...first man replies: No her legs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A baby boy and a baby girl are in a bath tub having a bath.
Girl looks down at the boy's and says. can i touch it
Boy says. No way........ You have already broken yours...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman complaining to dentist: I had rather get pregnant than have a tooth filling! Dentist: ok, decide from now so i can adjust the chair accordingly.
**********************************************************
duffarama
Chairman of Selectors
You have a wonderful sense of humour scorpion. Great work.
Keep rolling 'em in!
Keep rolling 'em in!
duffarama
Chairman of Selectors
It is great to see you back to your old laughing self again, Shailesh!Shailesh said:Hahahaha
jkartik
Chairman of Selectors
Geography of a Woman !
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there :rtfl
P.S - NO OFFENCE TO ANY COUNTRY. JUST A JOKE
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there
:rtflP.S - NO OFFENCE TO ANY COUNTRY. JUST A JOKE
scorpion_rulezz
Club Cricketer
LoL
Thanks everyone for replying :happy & for your contribution jk
Here are some more,Hope you guys will like it
SCHOOL
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEVER MESS WITH CHILDREN
A class teacher of primary,one day braught a camera along with her to have some group photos of the childeren.One student asked "Mam why did you braught that camera?"the teacher exclaimed "to have our some group photos,so that,and when you people grown up these photos will make you to recall your childhood,and you will show it to your friends or relatives that see this is Martin he is now a Lawer and this is Rick he is a doctor now and this is Maria and she is a Journalist now",certainly a voice came forward from the back and "this is our class teacher she is dead now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOCTOR
Santa Singh: My doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath to cure my cold.
Banta Singh: Does it work?
Santa Singh: I don't know... I can never finish drinking the hot bath
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SARDAR
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'funeral' are dancing,the bhangra,singing and general 'balle balle' is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
"Excuse me, your relative is dead & you guys are dancing ?"
.....Comes the reply,
" Yes ! it's a very pleasant news to us !!! this the first time a sardar is dead due to "Brain Tumour" !!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You should be sure that person is Sardar when he does the following:
1. Sends e-mail with postage stamp
2. Tries to drown a fish in water
3. Trips over a cordless phone
4. Put lipstick on his for head to make up his mind
5. Studies 4 a blood test and fails
6. Misses 44 bus and take 22 bus twice
7. Gets stabbed in a shoot out, 8.sells his car 4 petrol money
9. drive to airport & sees a sign "airport left" he turns around and goes home
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Sardar's Interview at US immigration:
Q :Your Name Please?
A :Gabroo Singh
Q :Sex
A :14 times a week
Q :No No I Mean Male Or Female
A :It doesn't matter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar : Doctor help me, whenever i talk,i hear the voice only
not the person whom i am talking to !!
Doctor : When does it happen?
Sardar : whenever i use phone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY BEST FRIEND
Two friends billooo & tillooo went to school for appearing in English
exam ( 7th standard ) . They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND".
But unfortunately , in the question-paper it was
written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER"in just 30-45 words .So
billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do !!!
Tillooo gave an idea . . . . just write the essay My best friend &
just keep on replacing the word friend with the father.....
So this was how billooo & tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......
Fathers & fathers are everywhere , but good fathers are very rare . I
have so many fathers , but my best father is pyarelal. He is my
neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
an A*SS before another A*SS holding I and NATION behind...!!! Sardar teaching his students spelling for ASSASSINATION
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr.Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr.Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab today........
Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still..... digging for
more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent Riddle
John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give
to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your
brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice
the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
**********************************************************
Thanks everyone for replying :happy & for your contribution jk
Here are some more,Hope you guys will like it
SCHOOL
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEVER MESS WITH CHILDREN
A class teacher of primary,one day braught a camera along with her to have some group photos of the childeren.One student asked "Mam why did you braught that camera?"the teacher exclaimed "to have our some group photos,so that,and when you people grown up these photos will make you to recall your childhood,and you will show it to your friends or relatives that see this is Martin he is now a Lawer and this is Rick he is a doctor now and this is Maria and she is a Journalist now",certainly a voice came forward from the back and "this is our class teacher she is dead now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOCTOR
Santa Singh: My doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath to cure my cold.
Banta Singh: Does it work?
Santa Singh: I don't know... I can never finish drinking the hot bath
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SARDAR
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'funeral' are dancing,the bhangra,singing and general 'balle balle' is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
"Excuse me, your relative is dead & you guys are dancing ?"
.....Comes the reply,
" Yes ! it's a very pleasant news to us !!! this the first time a sardar is dead due to "Brain Tumour" !!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You should be sure that person is Sardar when he does the following:
1. Sends e-mail with postage stamp
2. Tries to drown a fish in water
3. Trips over a cordless phone
4. Put lipstick on his for head to make up his mind
5. Studies 4 a blood test and fails
6. Misses 44 bus and take 22 bus twice
7. Gets stabbed in a shoot out, 8.sells his car 4 petrol money
9. drive to airport & sees a sign "airport left" he turns around and goes home
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Sardar's Interview at US immigration:
Q :Your Name Please?
A :Gabroo Singh
Q :Sex
A :14 times a week
Q :No No I Mean Male Or Female
A :It doesn't matter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar : Doctor help me, whenever i talk,i hear the voice only
not the person whom i am talking to !!
Doctor : When does it happen?
Sardar : whenever i use phone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY BEST FRIEND
Two friends billooo & tillooo went to school for appearing in English
exam ( 7th standard ) . They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND".
But unfortunately , in the question-paper it was
written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER"in just 30-45 words .So
billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do !!!
Tillooo gave an idea . . . . just write the essay My best friend &
just keep on replacing the word friend with the father.....
So this was how billooo & tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......
Fathers & fathers are everywhere , but good fathers are very rare . I
have so many fathers , but my best father is pyarelal. He is my
neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
an A*SS before another A*SS holding I and NATION behind...!!! Sardar teaching his students spelling for ASSASSINATION
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr.Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr.Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab today........
Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still..... digging for
more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent Riddle
John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give
to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your
brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice
the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
**********************************************************
jkartik
Chairman of Selectors
Religious Boy !
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." :rtfl
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." :rtfl
Maxkarter
Battrick Tournament Host
Lifesaver taste test
A teacher liked to play guessing games with her students to enhance some of their senses. One day she blindfolded several children and handed each of them a cherry lifesaver.
"Ok, who can tell me what the flavor is?" she asked.
Susie yelled "Me, me, me!", waving her arm in the air.
"Ok, Susie, go ahead." said the teacher.
"It's cherry!" Susie said proudly.
"That's right, very good, Susie." the teacher replied.
Next the teacher passed out orange flavored lifesavers, and asked again who could tell her the flavor.
Billy waved his arm and said "I can! I can!"
Billy correctly identified the flavor, and the teacher passed out another lifesaver to each child.
This time she had them stumped. She had found an unusual honey flavored lifesaver and decided to see if anyone could guess it.
"Can anyone guess the flavor of this lifesaver?"
When nobody answered after a couple of minutes, she said "Ok, class, I will give you a hint....it's what your mommy calls your daddy."
This time, Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Everybody! Quick, spit it out! It's an asshole!"
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
A teacher liked to play guessing games with her students to enhance some of their senses. One day she blindfolded several children and handed each of them a cherry lifesaver.
"Ok, who can tell me what the flavor is?" she asked.
Susie yelled "Me, me, me!", waving her arm in the air.
"Ok, Susie, go ahead." said the teacher.
"It's cherry!" Susie said proudly.
"That's right, very good, Susie." the teacher replied.
Next the teacher passed out orange flavored lifesavers, and asked again who could tell her the flavor.
Billy waved his arm and said "I can! I can!"
Billy correctly identified the flavor, and the teacher passed out another lifesaver to each child.
This time she had them stumped. She had found an unusual honey flavored lifesaver and decided to see if anyone could guess it.
"Can anyone guess the flavor of this lifesaver?"
When nobody answered after a couple of minutes, she said "Ok, class, I will give you a hint....it's what your mommy calls your daddy."
This time, Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Everybody! Quick, spit it out! It's an asshole!"
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
