The Jokes Thread

[Sachin_007]

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven!!

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

 

[BigCrickNan]

Did anyone hear about urika johnson is in hospital..

Dont worry her agent realised That she sat on her phone
Buts she ok because its not the first times she's sat on an errikson

 

[Deleted member 9102]

Edit: Chris Gayle

 

[viral1991]

Did anyone hear about urika johnson is in hospital..

Dont worry her agent realised That she sat on her phone
Buts she ok because its not the first times she's sat on an errikson

What? I didnt understand it at all!

 

[BigCrickNan]

Only England football fans probably would.

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Only England football fans probably would.

I don't follow English Football and understood it


See - Erikson is also a footballer, and the name of a brand of mobile phones...

 

[Adarsh]

Slight correction- Erikson is the manager of the English football team.

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Slight correction- Erikson is the manager of the English football team.

Hopw should I know, I don't follow football!

 

[hondeyho]

The French team's training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Stade de France.
One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

Coach Bernard Laporte immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

It's an in season joke - England for the Grand Slam!

 

[duffarama]

The French team's training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Stade de France.
One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

Coach Bernard Laporte immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

It's an in season joke - England for the Grand Slam!

I just noticed this post today and when I saw it I couldn't stop laughing. You never know, the powdery substance could've been baking powder.

 

[crazy4_crick]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."



An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."


A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

HELP WANTED
Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'm extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:
I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I have formal training:
I'm a college dropout.
I
interact well with co-workers:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
T
hank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

Santa Singh in America

Santa was visiting his son who was in America for the very first time.

Santa was at a Local Food store going up and down the aisles with
his son.

Santa asked, "What is this?
Santa's son, "Powdered orange juice"

Santa a bit confused, "Powdered orange juice?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."

A few minutes later, in a different aisle Santa asked again, "And what is this?

Son, "Powdered milk"
Santa, "Powdered milk??"

Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle...

Santa, "And give a look here!! Baby Powder !! What a country, What a country!" :happy


Hey guys, do let me know how u found these jokes.



Newly married sardar to another newly married sardar "I am so kunjoos that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money".

Other sardar said "You are nothing I saved my full money, I sent my wife for honeymoon with my friend"


What is Common between : Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
A: Sardar ji Replied : All are Born on Government Holidays.

2. Ek aadmi ki Biwi gum ho gayi, Waha RAM
ke Mandir me gaya, Ram ne kaha Baju wale Hanuman Ke Mandir mai ja, Meri bhi usi ne dhundhi thi.

3. Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

4. Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College.
Banta : Really, what is he studing, Santa : No is not studying, they are Studying him. :happy



How many sardarjis will be needed to put a nail in wall?
Hundreds........ Why?

One sardar ji holds nail against wall and the rest will push the wall from other side.

 

[FreddieFan]

A long one from me:

Chinese torture joke:

A man was walking along in a wood, when it started raining. He looked up at the sky and could see nothing but black clouds in every direction. The rain is getting heavier, and lightening starts to flash around him. He starts to panic, and begins to run. After a few minutes, he spots a house in the wood. He goes up to the house and knocks on the door, which is opened by a short Chinese man. "Excuse me," the man says, "I was just walking along in the woods when the storm started. Do you think I could stay here for the night?" "Okay", the Chinese man says, "but if you touch my daughter I'll subject you to the three chinese tortures."

So the man agrees and goes in. Over dinner than night, the daughter can't stop staring at him; he can tell she's interested. That night, he sleeps with the daughter, but as he's going back to his room there's no sign of the father, so he thinks he's got away with it. He gets into bed and falls to sleep.

The next morning he wakes up and fines there is a boulder on his chest. There's a note pinned to the boulder:

Chinese Torture Number 1: Boulder on chest

The guys thinks to himself, "This old mans cracked". He gets up, and throws the boulder out of the window. Only then does he spot a note on the windowsill:

Chinese Torture Number 2: Left testicle tied to boulder

"Oh sh*t", the guys thinks. He makes a split second desicion to jump out the window, thinking that a few broken bones is better than castration. On his way to the ground, he notices a large sign:

Chinese Torture Number 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost

 

[crazy4_crick]

A sardarji once went to america. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D.C to hear John F. Kennedy's speech.

During his speech

Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed.

When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech, He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was.
When the crowd gave up the surd said, Kennedy's mother.


Sardar's wife was in delivery pain.
But instead of taking her to the hospital, he took her to pizza hut!

Guess WHY ??

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

B'coz they promise "FREE DELIVERY"!!



A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs. The man replied, "No, sir.

It doesn't work that way. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread
out for the next 19 weeks."

The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.

The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!



One fine night a Sardarji........got angry with her wife..... and scolded her like anything...."Maine tumse Ladka Maanga tha ....Aur tumne Ladki Paida ki......"

Furiously Sardarni answered....."Tumhare Bharose Baithi rehti to yeh bhi Paida nahi hoti......"!!



Battery Change !

Sardarji at a car garage-

Sardarji- "O? ji battery change karma hai"

Mechanic- "EXIDE lagaa du?"

Sardarji- Kyon, doosraa side tera baap lagaayegaa?




SARDAR'S CONVENTION

80,000 Sardarji's meet at the Jalianwala Bagh for a "Sardarjis Are Not Stupid Convention."

Santa Singh, the emcee says, "We are all here

today to prove to the World that Sardarjis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

One Sardarji steps up.

Santha Singh asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds, he says, "Eighteen."

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 sardarjis Start Cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

Santha Singh says,"Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here And the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance." So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30seconds, the sardarji eventually says, "Ninety?"

Santha Singh sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the sardarji starts crying.

80,000 sardarjis start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

SanthaSingh, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,"Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"

The sardarji closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 sardarjis start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

:brickwall :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl

Got u guys some more jokes for the day..........................enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really liked the chinese torture joke

Keep up the good work

 

[Sachin_007]

Aliens Attack

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

 

[crazy4_crick]

Nice one Sachin 007

SOME MORE JOKES

Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well Parvez, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Musharraf "Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".

He calls Advani over and asks him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!" "Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Musharraf, "You've got 24 hours."

He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Clinton, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Clinton. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Clinton, "It's me!"

"Wonderful!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Musharraf. "Sir, I've got the answer!".

"What is it?"

"It's Bill Clinton".

"No, you idiot", says Musharraf, "It's Advani".


Sardar ji is buying a TV
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."


Sardar Ji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.


Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"

What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.


What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.