The Jokes Thread

[Shoaib87]

Bull Fight!

On one sunny afternoon in a farm there are three bulls - elder, middle-aged, and a young - talking to each other about a new bull moving-in to their farm.

"I'm here in this farm for more than 50 years now. And I earned my rights to have 50 cows during the years. I'm not sharing one of my cows with that new bull coming-in." grumbled by the elder bull.

"I've been here for 30 years and I earned my rights to own 30 cows and I don't neither desire to give any of my cows with that new bull." growled the middle-aged bull.

"I only been here for 10 years and I know I earned my 10 cows as much as you guys do. I will not give even a single of my cow." says the young bull.

Suddenly, a huge steel-container truck came by. Inside is the new bull they are discussing about. It's the biggest son-of-another-bull they've been seen in their whole life.Every step it took shake the whole ground.

"Well, I've been here for quite some time now. It doesn't hurt a bit to give some of my cows with our new guy." exclaimed by the elder bull.

"I'm a friendly bull, perhaps I can give some of my cows with our guy for a welcome present." told by the middle-aged bull.

The young bull was shaking his horns, puffing, and all as if ready for some deadly fight.

The elder bull said, "My son, let me give you quick advice, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The young bull replies "Heck, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

How Many Women?

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

"Daddy, How was I Born?"

A kid asked his father "Daddy, How was I Born?"

Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."

"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive."

"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Big Bad Bart Is Coming!


It's the time of the Old West.

A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."

Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.

When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."

He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.

Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."

After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the man drinks it in three seconds flat.

When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk out the door.

The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"

The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"

Mary's Opinion Of Adam And Eve

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary, Who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD almighty!" she yelled. "Very good!" the teacher said as Mary went back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked "Who is our LORD and savior?" But once again Mary didn't stir.

Once again Johnny came to her rescue. "Jesus Christ" Mary said, then fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked Mary a third question "What did Eve say to Adam after their twenty-third child?"

And once again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and said "if you stick that damn thing up me one more time I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

Deadly Email

An Illinois lady left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. Her husband was on a business trip and was planning to meet her there the next day.

When she reached her hotel, she decided to send her husband a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which she had written his email address, she did her best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, she missed one letter and her note was directed instead to an elderly widow, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST HONEY: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

 

[nightprowler10]

That last one was hilarious!

 

[Sachin_007]

Liar Sermon

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

New Popemobile​

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to buy a car. A young salesman came out just as soon as the Pope walked onto the lot.

''Hello, can I help you?''

''Yes, I'm looking for a car to drive to the Vatican.''

''We have a wide selection, as you can see. As soon as you find one you like, come get me.''

So the Pope looked around and found a really nice sports car. The Pope didn't have his checkbook, so he said he would come back the next day to buy the car.

The next day he came back and the car had pieces cut out all over the place. ''What did you do to my car?!'' the Pope yelled.

''I was just trying to make it holy for you.''

 

[siddharth2002]

Aplologies if posted before, but these arrived in my e-mail-

Call from Daddy !!!

Call from daddy!!! ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**

"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you havent got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddys car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think hes dead"

***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . .. Swimming pool?? ...

Is this 555-7039??????"

No.


Sign Board

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"

So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day.

He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY ***

Go slow and watch out for the chicks------------

Turtles Picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'All right, Steve, give me the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.

'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.

He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.

 

[Sachin_007]

Sensitive Beer!

nice one Siddharth...

Sensitive Beer​

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

 

[newzolt]

*some Management notices!
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

*If a fellow met a fellow in a field of flowers...........
How many "f's" in that?
None.
There are no "F's" in the word: That.

*The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".
The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"
Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

*Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.00

*An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

 

[newzolt]

*The following are some of the ideas for Ganguly to regain form and stay in the middle for a longer duration.(subject to approval by I.C.C)

IDEA NO:1: Plastic Ball or Tennis Ball or Rubber Ball to be used while bowling to Ganguly.

IDEA NO:2: Only one stick should be kept while Ganguly is Batting instead of Three so that his chances of getting out bowled will be minimised

IDEA NO:3: Dada can wrap up his legs with 4 or 5 bats instead of pads, so that there is no chance of getting out lbw.

IDEA NO:4: The size of the ball can be reduced to the size of a lemon or size of his bat can be increased to twice its size. Or the size of the ground can be decreased to that of a Basketball Ground.

IDEA NO:5: Fast Bowlers are prohibited to bowl the following deliveries to Dada. They should not bowl Inswinger,Outswinger,Off cutter, Leg cutter,Bouncer,Short Pitched Ball, Reverse swinging ball, yorker,reverse swinging yorker,slower ball and most importantly in and around the off stump corridor.

IDEA NO:6: Slow Bowlers are prohibited from bowling off spin,leg spin,doosra,googly,china man,flipper,faster ball.

IDEA NO:7: Speed restrictions for bowlers: FAST BOWLERS: MAX 120 KMPH SLOW BOWLERS: MAX 50 KMPH.

IDEA NO:8 Fast bowlers in their runup should run like Mohinder Amarnath and slow bowlers should not run at all.

IDEA NO:9 Ganguly can change his position as medium fast bowler instead of Batsman and bat at no:11, so that by the time he enters the ground 48 or 49 overs would have been bowled.

IDEA NO:10: I.C.C Should warn Pakistan Bowlers that hereafter any bowler taking Dada's wicket, the number will not be added to the bowler's tally of wickets.

IDEA NO:11: Bowlers should not appeal for dismissal of Ganguly. Even a small appeal (not necessarily loud appealing or excessive appealing) will lead to match refereee Chris Broad suspending the bowler for the rest of the series.

IDEA NO:12: Fast Bowlers should only throw the ball and slow bowlers should use underarm throw.

IDEA NO:13: Even after this if Ganguly gets out, the bowler will be called a chucker and new rule for bowling action, i.e.( 2 degrees bending of bowling arm allowed for fast bowlers and 3 degrees bending of bowling arm for slow bowlers) will be taken into account and the bowler will be immediately sent to Australia by next flight for corrective action.

IDEA NO:14: No fielder should catch the ball hit by Dada. If they catch, then any of the opening batsman who got out earlier, like virender shewag will be allowed to bat for second time.

IDEA NO: 15: For every minute Dada stays in the middle, one run will be added to his score and if the ball hits the bat and travels to the following places, runs will be credited to Dada as follows. Slip,Gully,Forward Short Leg: 1 run Mid on,mid off, cover,point: 2 runs long on,long off,fine leg,third man: 3 runs.
and finally if Dada's wicket is taken before he reaches 50 runs all pakis will be fined 50% of their match fees.

*I know you would feel bad if you are a Ganguly supporter so this one's for you:
In 2003 world Indian Cricket captain Ganguly and an Pakistani cricket captain Inzimam got a house next door to
each other. Ganguly owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Inzi's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
Inzi pick up the egg. Ganguly ran up to Inzi and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. Inzi
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally Clever ganguly said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who
ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

Pakistani Captain agreed to this and so the Indian Captain Ganguly found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Pakistani captain inzi and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani captain fell
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually Inzi stood up all shaken and tears streaming down his face and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

Cool Ganguly said, "Keep the damn egg!" : : : :

***now this one's not a cricket joke..(sci fi joke)
IN THE NEAR FUTURE

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Company."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order.."

Operator : "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 3891100189185."

Operator : "Thank you, Mr. Grover. I see you live at 947 Mubaan Pricha, and the phone number is 02-8862840. Your office number at Pratunam complex is 02-6562677 and your mobile phone number is 01-6467826. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh?, I am at home. Where did you get all this information?"

Operator : "We are wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I would like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special Pizza..."

Operator : "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Operator : "Sir, your medical records indicate that you have got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your 30 Baht, National Health Care provider would not allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn, what do you recommend, then?"

Operator : "You might try our low-fat Soyabean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you will like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I would like something like that?"

Operator : "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soyabean Recipes' from the British Council library last week, sir. That's why I made that suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator : "That should be plenty for you, your wife, your four kids, your mistress and a kid on the way, sir. The 'damage' as you put it, heh-heh, comes to Baht 1560."

Customer: "Let me give you my credit card number."

Operator : "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your delivery arrives."

Operator : "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator : "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you are in a hurry you might want to pick them up while you are out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How did you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator : "It says here you are in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Honda Steed 600 is fully paid up, so I just assumed that you would be using it."

Customer: "@#$%^&*@#$%^&^%$#@" (Censored)

Operator : "I'd advise you to watch your language, sir. You have already got a July 2004 conviction for accusing a traffic police officer, when he stopped you for a routine check."

Customer: "(Speechless)"

Operator : "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the order of two family-sized pizzas."

Operator : "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

 

[Ricky pontinG]

Nice jokes!!!

Here are some more
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."








Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"





There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"













Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."









There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

 

[Adarsh]

I got one

GW Bush and Cheney are in a conference and Colin Powell comes in with the daily world briefing. He says that in an incident 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"That's awful ! " groaned GWB and burried his head in his hands while a surprised Cheney and Powell looked on.

Then GWB lifted his head and asked " How many in a Brazilian ? "
******************************************************
Another one: Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children

 

[newzolt]

Musical Pieces

This guy and his band were playing at a large theatre and the program for the evening was dedicated to all married couples celebrating their wedding anniversaries.

In honor of newlyweds, he played, “I Didn’t Sleep a Wink Last Nite.”

In honor of couples married five years, he played, “Nite and Day.”

In honor of couples married 10 years he played, “Now and Then.”

In honor of couples married 15 years, he played, “Once in a While.”

Just as he was ready to honor the couples married 25 years, someone sitting in the rear end said, “Just a minute, sir. Before you play ‘Memories,’ please play, ‘We Did It Before and We Can Do It Again.”

 

[usy]

'Teacher, I hav'nt done my history homework,'
'Don't worry, it's all in past'.

 

[Indiangod]

'Teacher, I hav'nt done my history homework,'
'Don't worry, it's all in past'.

Thats actually a good joke.

 

[usy]

got some more,

Famous Books
Passing you sats by Ann Sirs
School Lunchtimes by Dean R. Bell
How to Lose your class on a school trip by Wanda Off
Common spelling Errors by Miss Take
Teachers at the school Disco by Dan SinBadly
How to cheat in tests by P. King
How to draw Perfectly by Trace de Picture.

:Usy

 

[FreddieFan]

An American man, A Russian man and a blonde woman were all in a bar talking about Space. The Russian said "Well, ours was the first nation to put a man into space." The American, looking smug, replied "Good for you, but we put the first man on the moon." The Blonde smiles at them both. "Well, congratulations, but we're going to beat that soon. Us blondes are going to be the first people to land on the Sun.

The two men look astounded for a minute. Then, the Russian says, "But....it will get too hot, you will burn up." The blonde replies "Well, yes, but we've got a clever way around that. We're going at night."

 

[usy]

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy."

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