The Jokes Thread

[jdbais]

OK, I have got one.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A Mobile phone on a bench starts to ring and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen

MAN: "Hello

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: "Yes

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 Models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone knows whose phone this is?

 

[surendar]

Computer Age Love Letter :cool:



A man loved a girl who studies computer science. He sent her a letter saying:


I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER Believe me it is true...
You installed the best in me. Your picture is always in my background. You clicked my heart gently. You drive me crazy when I see you. Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in me. You restored my kindness after I thought it was corrupted. I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heartbeats per second. You hacked my brain and registered your name in it. You are the only one that could navigate my feelings and explore my emotions at the same time. I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not responding.

I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open my windows waiting for you to pass. You are the only one that can log into my heart and never ! log out. I dream of being your only server as long as I live. You don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each other. I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my homepage and all my software. I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by you. You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I do? You formatted my life and added happiness to view. Believe me it is true... I love you more than my CPU

Hmmmmmm....thts funnny letter isnt it?????

 

[icyman]

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for
me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace. It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all
the things you have started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. And
today I have finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle
of whiskey, a large box of chocolates and 2 litres beer. You have no idea
how good I feel.

 

[fanirama]

Good one usy. The mickey mouse one had me splitting.... LOL

 

[Ritwik]

Good one usy. The mickey mouse one had me splitting.... LOL

I am worried for your health. Surely you meant it had you in splits ?

great jokes there surendar.

 

[surendar]

great jokes there surendar.

Thanx mate!!!!

Another joke,

Hotel's Five Stars Service - Luxury Restaurants

Abundance of choices can be overwhelming sometimes.

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, Wine,... , or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

 

[newzolt]

A few days off from work.

An employee urgently needed a few days off from work but he knew his boss would not allow him to take a leave. So, he thought that maybe if he acted "crazy" then his boss would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung himself upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker saw him and asked what he was doing. He told her that he is just pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss will think he is crazy and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the 0ffice and asked "What are you doing?" The employee told him "I am a light bulb". Then the boss said to him: "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

The employee jumped down and walked out of the 0ffice. When the co-worker followed him, the boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She answered, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."


*******************************************************
Email From God
Heavenly Laughter

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, just wondering;

I didn't get one either.


********************************************************


A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have
some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay, then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back."

**********************************
After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem.

Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Schumi and DC are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent. Both go to sleep. DC wakes up in the middle of the night. Schumi isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent. DC peeps out and sees Schumi running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him... DC: Run faster, he's gonna catch you! Schumi: Don't

worry, I lead by three laps...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Michael Schumachers wife says she doesn't want Turkey for Christmas this year, so he's going to buy her Denmark instead

*****************************************************
The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

*******************************************************
Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest
room?" the teacher asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you? Paul, how would you say it?

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom,
I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still
not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence
for once and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher's face got very red.

 

[Ritwik]

The last one was pretty good

 

[newzolt]

Thanks for the appreciation.Will post some more if people like it.

 

[banana man]

here are a couple more jokes

Cricket Rivals
Brown and Robinson were two old men who were fierce rivals at cricket. One day, they decided to see who was the better player by having a game between them selves. Brown laboured for an hour to score twelve runs, but was bowled by the only straight ball he received. Both men were exhausted, and Robinson decided that he was too tired to bat and made for the pavilion, even though Brown had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.
As he lay slumped in the pavilion, an amused on looker strolled in and said, 'Congratulations.'
'What do you mean?' said Robinson.
'Haven't you heard?' said the spectator. 'Brown bowled thirteen wides

The New Ball
A famous fast bowler was introduced to an areb sheik who boasted that he had eighty three wives .
The bowler retorted " You only need two more , and you're entitled to a new ball."

 

[edgarisapimp]

My dog has no nose, how does he smell?

Awful!

(A Python joke, strange that nobody else posted it first...)

 

[duffarama]

Q. What did the cross say to the 'T?'
A. I'm going to cross you!

Well I know that was a shocking joke, but I just had to free myself.

 

[newzolt]

Q. What did the cross say to the 'T?'
A. I'm going to cross you!

Well I know that was a shocking joke, but I just had to free myself.

On similar lines........
q.One ant was moving round and round a sugar cube yet was not eating it.why?
ans. The ant had diabetes!

........and now this one.....
“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.” “You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”

 

[HopaWhitey]

--- Chilli con Carne ---

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.


--- Proudly Australian ---
"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday maaaaaaate!"

This is class!!

A bear, a lion and a chicken are sitting around talking about who is the
toughest.

The bear says "all I have to do is growl and the whole forest rumbles"

The lion says" all I have to do is roar and the whole jungle trembles with
fear"

The chicken says" all I have to do is cough and the whole world
sh!ts itself!!!"

 

[duffarama]

That proudly Australia joke was good. It really typifies the Australian culture I would say. Us Aussies are always layed back, we don't care about the consequences and we like having a good time with our mate. Maybe over a beer or so if required.