The Jokes Thread

[blackleopard92]

have one
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one
of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9″.
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three leg s? The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer?
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless,
a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word star ts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont
get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some
men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy. to College, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

 

[newzolt]

nice one there.

 

[BigCrickNan]

have one
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one
of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9″.
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three leg s? The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer?
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless,
a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word star ts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont
get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some
men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy. to College, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

LMAO! :laugh.. being 12 I shouldn't really understand that though..

 

[kamrandahir]

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise
some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold
him for ransom. She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show it to his parents. The
next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough,
a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"

 

[manee]

have one
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one
of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9″.
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three leg s? The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer?
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless,
a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word star ts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont
get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some
men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy. to College, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

Very funny, just shows the innocence of a child...Im 14, my childhood is behind me :crying :crying

LOL

Good jokes, keep em up

 

[sinkwood]

have one
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one
of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9″.
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three leg s? The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer?
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless,
a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word star ts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont
get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some
men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy. to College, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

nice one reps for u

 

[kamrandahir]

Three people, let's say a three friends:Tony, Brian, and a blonde named Jennifer. They committed a crime and were getting chased by the police. There was a farm nearby so the criminals ran in to hide. Tony goes and hides with the cows. He saya"Moo, moo" The police come over and say"No one's here"They move on to the chickens and Brian was hiding there. He says, "Bok, Bok" and the police say,"No one's here."and move on. They go to a silo of bags of potatoes where Jennifer is hidden. She says, "Pooo... taaaa...toe..."

 

[newzolt]

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'

 

[blackleopard92]

nice one reps for u

Cheers

more for u
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

 

[newzolt]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”


A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said,



“Wedding cake.”

 

[newzolt]

A couple are reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!

 

[F4rrukh]

LOOOOOOOOOL newzolt thats a reallly good oen reps 4 u !!

 

[newzolt]

LOOOOOOOOOL newzolt thats a reallly good oen reps 4 u !!

Thanks for the appreciation.

 

[surendar]

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."

"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."

"Dark?" "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."

"No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"


:cool:

 

[Ritwik]

Been posted already. Supposedly a true story at IBM or something.