The Jokes Thread

[scorpion_rulezz]

Here we go again a quick update on Jokes

Dying

A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked, Dad! Why you keep telling people that you are dying of aids? Dad: so when I am dead, noone will touch ur mom
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Waiting

A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body,
he was asked what he was doing and he answered "waitng for autumn "
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Freedom

There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom
fighters.
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh
raised a point,
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would
we develop it?"
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a
brainwave...
"No problem! We'll attack America, it would take
over us and then
we would become a State of USA and develop
automatically."
All the surds became happy with this very simple
solution but an old surd
was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY
WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE
WE TOOK OVER AMERICA???"
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Photographer

A Sardarji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function.
Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"
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Kiss

Never kiss a police woman. they have a habbit of saying......... stop! hands up or i`ll shoot

Never kiss a nurse. they have a habbit of saying.......... next please

Alwayzz kiss a teacher. they have a habbit of saying......... repeat it 5 times :P
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Nobody,Somebody,Brain and Mad

Once there were four friends nobody,somebody,brain and mad.one day,nobody and some body were fighting when brain had gone to bathroom.mad was very upset, so he called the police.he told the police man that nobody and somebody were fighting.the police man asked " are you mad ". he said "yes".the police man asked "where is ur brain ".he said "in the bathroom"
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70 Year Old

A newly married girl
says to her 70 year old hubby
"Darling lets go upstairs and have sex."

Hubby- "Make a choice, i Cant do Both!!
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Mirror

Sardar was Standing in front of the Mirror with his eyes closed.
Wife - What do you think you are doing?
Sardar - I just want to know how i look when I sleep
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Sleep
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian
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Wedding Night
Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'
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[surendar]

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

nice one there surrender keep em coming

 

[newzolt]

Embarrassing Moment

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

[Ritwik]

lol! nice one, 'zolt.

 

[newzolt]

Emergency

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

great jokes zolt ,Cant give you reps Spread Some

 

[newzolt]

great jokes zolt ,Cant give you reps Spread Some

Its your compliment that maters the most.Thanks for the compliments.

 

[edgarisapimp]

I can give reps to you, though. Great work, keep it up!

 

[newzolt]

rating: 18 +

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

 

[siddharth2002]

Lol classic.:rtfl

 

[moza1]

Funny stuff newzolt, lol.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

poor husband lol

 

[newzolt]

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

 

[banana man]

that is a flipin great joke newzolt.