The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
Don't step on the ducks.......
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
BigCrickNan
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2005
What d'ya call a blonde with one brain cell...
Gifted.
Gifted.
Blondes.....Hmm....
What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.
How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.
Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."
Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet
Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"
What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.
How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.
Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."
Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet
Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"
What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Last edited:
Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
------------
The Three Stars
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg. Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?'' A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''
----------------------
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
----------------
source: jokes.com
NOTE: I'd like to remind members to credit their sources while posting jokes on this forum. It is just good grace.
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
------------
The Three Stars
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg. Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?'' A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''
----------------------
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
----------------
source: jokes.com
NOTE: I'd like to remind members to credit their sources while posting jokes on this forum. It is just good grace.
duffarama
Chairman of Selectors
What do you call a blonde who says she has blonde hair?Drewska said:
Redhead.
(I heard that from somewhere)
kamrandahir
County Cricketer
Hole Thing
A couple just married were
happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole
and She was happy with the Thing.
Faithful Wife
Santa is talking to Banta about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
Banta says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later Santa has to go out of town on a business tour. Before he goes, he gets together with Banta.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."
Banta agrees to help out, and Santa leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets Banta, "So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says Banta.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt and then.... they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says Santa.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
**********************************
Santa was flling up a application for a job. He promptly filled the columns captioned name, age, address, etc. Then he came to the column salary expected. He was not sure as what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: yes !
source: www.santabanta.com
Santa is talking to Banta about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
Banta says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later Santa has to go out of town on a business tour. Before he goes, he gets together with Banta.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."
Banta agrees to help out, and Santa leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets Banta, "So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says Banta.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt and then.... they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says Santa.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
**********************************
Santa was flling up a application for a job. He promptly filled the columns captioned name, age, address, etc. Then he came to the column salary expected. He was not sure as what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: yes !
source: www.santabanta.com
Last edited:
The Mail !!!
There was this guy that lived acrossed from a blonde. He was outside mowing,and here comes the blonde. She goes to her mailbox, opens it, looks inside it, and slams it.
In about ten minutes, here she comes again, opens her mailbox, looks in it and slams it shut looking upset.
In about 15 more minutes here she comes again, opens her mailbox, looks in it, and slams it shut. The guy walks over and asked her what her problem was.
She said "There is a sign on my computer that says I have mail."
******************************
Hair colour...
There is a blonde driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry.
She stops at a farmer’s house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!"
The farmer looks around puzzledly and says "Ok. Take one."
When the Blonde is walking back to her car the farmer asks, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
*****************
I`m Winning!
A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine, she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this until a guy standing behind her said, "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not when I am winning!!"
**************************
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up.
The doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'.
The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?'
'Ten' replies the doctor.
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?'
The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'
****************************
Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the
violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
*****************************
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
because I still have mine."
******************************
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have
change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
**********************************
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said,
"Look at that dog with one eye !"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
**********************************
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where
they lived.
The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
************************************
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
***********************************
Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied,
"Whatever my Mom tells him to."
************************************
Jonny--"Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day,
and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
"A judge told him."
***************************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot,
looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
***************************************
The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
*******************************
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first
time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the
sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets.
*********************************
There was this guy that lived acrossed from a blonde. He was outside mowing,and here comes the blonde. She goes to her mailbox, opens it, looks inside it, and slams it.
In about ten minutes, here she comes again, opens her mailbox, looks in it and slams it shut looking upset.
In about 15 more minutes here she comes again, opens her mailbox, looks in it, and slams it shut. The guy walks over and asked her what her problem was.
She said "There is a sign on my computer that says I have mail."
******************************
Hair colour...
There is a blonde driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry.
She stops at a farmer’s house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!"
The farmer looks around puzzledly and says "Ok. Take one."
When the Blonde is walking back to her car the farmer asks, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
*****************
I`m Winning!
A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine, she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this until a guy standing behind her said, "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not when I am winning!!"
**************************
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up.
The doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'.
The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?'
'Ten' replies the doctor.
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?'
The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'
****************************
Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the
violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
*****************************
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
because I still have mine."
******************************
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have
change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
**********************************
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said,
"Look at that dog with one eye !"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
**********************************
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where
they lived.
The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
************************************
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
***********************************
Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied,
"Whatever my Mom tells him to."
************************************
Jonny--"Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day,
and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
"A judge told him."
***************************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot,
looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
***************************************
The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
*******************************
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first
time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the
sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets.
*********************************
*********************************************
• A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just **** in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?
• Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
• A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'
• Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My gluteus is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'
• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
• A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"
• Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
• Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.
• A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!
*****************************************
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A bobby pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."
The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.
The same bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!", the bobby said. The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies. "
• A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just **** in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?
• Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
• A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'
• Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My gluteus is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'
• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
• A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"
• Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
• Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.
• A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!
*****************************************
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A bobby pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."
The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.
The same bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!", the bobby said. The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies. "
Bishop And The Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
--------------------
credit to jokes.com
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
--------------------
credit to jokes.com
one more then:
Rooster in His Declining Years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
-----------
credit to jokes.com (as usual)
Rooster in His Declining Years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
-----------
credit to jokes.com (as usual)
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred!
Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh... am I driving???" >>
***********************************************
People who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 19...
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull FRACTURE .
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
***********************************************
CIA has an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
***************************************************
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third timewill cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
***************************************************
NB: the 300th post of this thread.Nice thread of humor.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred!
Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh... am I driving???" >>
***********************************************
People who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 19...
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull FRACTURE .
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
***********************************************
CIA has an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
***************************************************
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third timewill cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
***************************************************
NB: the 300th post of this thread.Nice thread of humor.
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening..
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep !
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !
Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop
A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject
Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children !
Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different..
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
************
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked,
"What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely
sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?" the first doctor asked. "It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived!"
*************************************************
Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there. "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow's match!"
No, 35 children are more than enough!
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening..
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep !
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !
Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop
A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject
Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children !
Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different..
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
************
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked,
"What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely
sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?" the first doctor asked. "It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived!"
*************************************************
Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there. "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow's match!"
