The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
I saw a guy stood at his wifes grave for a long time..... He told me she thinks he's digging a pond!! 
D
Dutch
Guest
Man goes to a fancy dress pary completely naked with his wife on his back....the host meets him at the door...you cant come in like that! Why not says the man, its a fancy dress party...and I have come as a tortoise....a tortoise, says the host, what the flip...and who's that on your back.....That's Michelle.........
D
Deleted member 193590
Guest
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went the pub.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
A burglar breaks into a house and ties the woman to a chair, then he threatens the man 'give me all ya money and jewellery' the burglar shouts, 'not until you untie her and let her go', the man shouts back, 'you must really love your wife', shouts the burglar, 'not really', shouts the man, 'but she is due back any minute'..
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
A man runs into the vets surgery clutching his goldfish in a bowl of water, 'help me' he shouts 'my goldfish is having a seizure', one of the vets hears him and comes over, 'your goldfish looks ok mate, he's swimming around and looks good', 'i know that', says the man, 'but i haven't taken him out of the water yet'!!
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
2 blondes were on either side of a river, 'how do i get to the other side', shouts 1 blonde, 'you're on the other side', shouts the other!! 
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
Qu... How do you keep an idiot in suspense? 
Ans.... I'll tell you later!
Ans.... I'll tell you later!
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
A guy goes into a pub and orders a large whiskey, then another, 'slow down mate', says the barman, 'I'm depressed', says the guy, 'my wife has lied to me for years', 'oh no what's she been saying', replied the barman, the guy downs another whiskey and replies, 'she's told me for years she's gonna leave me but she hasn't '!!!
A.P Haux
The Meowest Avenger
A guy comes to a bar and orders a beer. Just when he was about to drink it, a muscular guy came to the bar and snatched the guys drink, and drinks it in one gulp. The man eventually starts crying.
"Oh come on, act like a man. Okay, I'll pay for the drink" says the muscular man.
The crying man then says, "Today is the worst day of my life! I went to work this morning with my car only to be told by my boss I am fired. After I left the place I found out my car has been stolen! I had to walk home, and I got my wallet stolen too on my way home. I finally reached my house only to hear that my wife wants a divorce. I decided to end my horrible life, but you just drank my poisoned drink!"
"Oh come on, act like a man. Okay, I'll pay for the drink" says the muscular man.
The crying man then says, "Today is the worst day of my life! I went to work this morning with my car only to be told by my boss I am fired. After I left the place I found out my car has been stolen! I had to walk home, and I got my wallet stolen too on my way home. I finally reached my house only to hear that my wife wants a divorce. I decided to end my horrible life, but you just drank my poisoned drink!"
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
A guy comes to a bar and orders a beer. Just when he was about to drink it, a muscular guy came to the bar and snatched the guys drink, and drinks it in one gulp. The man eventually starts crying.
"Oh come on, act like a man. Okay, I'll pay for the drink" says the muscular man.
The crying man then says, "Today is the worst day of my life! I went to work this morning with my car only to be told by my boss I am fired. After I left the place I found out my car has been stolen! I had to walk home, and I got my wallet stolen too on my way home. I finally reached my house only to hear that my wife wants a divorce. I decided to end my horrible life, but you just drank my poisoned drink!"
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
Qu..... Why can't a blonde dial 911?
Ans.... Because she can't find number 11.
Ans.... Because she can't find number 11.
Princess Saffron
Top Hun
A guy receives a text message from his girlfriend at 8pm.
8.00pm......You prefer football to me don't you?
10.00pm....Of course not!
8.00pm......You prefer football to me don't you?
10.00pm....Of course not!
zimrahil
Retired Administrator
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2001
- Location
- Birmingham, England
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Xbox 360
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
This isn’t funny, simply accurateA guy receives a text message from his girlfriend at 8pm.
8.00pm......You prefer football to me don't you?
10.00pm....Of course not!
