The Jokes Thread

[Benno]

A man comes out from the bedroom one morning to find his blonde wife sitting at the table with a big mess on the table.
"Honey," she says "I'm trying to do this jigsaw. There's a picture of a rooster on the box but all the pieces are the same colour. Can you help me?"
"OK..." says the man. "Lets both take a deep breath and put all the Kelloggs Corn Flakes back into the box."

 

[Cricketdude]

A man comes out from the bedroom one morning to find his blonde wife sitting at the table with a big mess on the table.
"Honey," she says "I'm trying to do this jigsaw. There's a picture of a rooster on the box but all the pieces are the same colour. Can you help me?"
"OK..." says the man. "Lets both take a deep breath and put all the Kelloggs Corn Flakes back into the box."

Very close to being funny....

Heres mine!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[Master Khan]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.

The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;

The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 

[kamrandahir]

lol nice joke masterkhan

 

[Pranav]

Very close to being funny....

Heres mine!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.

The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;

The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

nice ones

 

[Highlander999]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.

The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;

The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Heard it before, hell I even think I posted it in this thread

Still a classic though

 

[Jaztheman]

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man.

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man.

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."



Jaztheman added 18 Minutes and 2 Seconds later...

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

Jaztheman added 1 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 am. His wife is sleeping and he's trying to sneak into bed. He's lying in bed for a few minutes and farts.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown - I'm winning, 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna give her a doozy." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

 

[kamrandahir]

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

-----------------------------------------------
* Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

* Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

* Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

* Viagra, Home of the whopper

* Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

* Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

* Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

* Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

* Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

* This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Any questions?

 

[PhilD123]

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

Heard that during History revision about the anti-Nazi's in Nazi Germany saying that about Goebbels.

-------

I was offered a 50" plasma tv today for ?100 (volume broken)
















Couldn't turn it down

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Definition of a kiss:

Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of
contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for
the old.

Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper,
it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof. of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

 

[Jaztheman]

Heard that during History revision about the anti-Nazi's in Nazi Germany saying that about Goebbels.

-------

I was offered a 50" plasma tv today for ?100 (volume broken)







Couldn't turn it down

Ouch!

 

[Bilal91]

John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He?s just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.

Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE legs.

He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.

He says to the farmer ?THREE-legged chickens? Thats amazing!?

The Farmer replies ?Yep, I bred ?em that way?I love drumsticks.?

John: ?Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste??

Farmer: ?Dunno, haven?t been able to catch one yet.?

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fianc? to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fianc?e to his library for a drink.

?So what are your plans?? The father asks the young man.

?I am a Torah scholar.? He says.

?A Torah scholar, Hmmm,? the father says. ?Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to??

?I will study,? the young man said, and God will provide for us.?

?And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?? asks the father.

?I will concentrate on my studies,? the young man replies, ?God will provide for us.?

?And children?? asks the father. ?How will you support children??

?Don?t worry, sir, God will provide,? replies the fianc?.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, ?How did it go, Honey??

The father answers, ?He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I?m God.?

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient?s room.
He found one Patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

The other one was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing.

The patient replied, ?Can?t you see I?m sawing this piece of wood in half??

Than he asked him about the patient that was hanging us-side-down from the ceiling.

He replied: ?Oh. He?s my friend, but he?s a little crazy. He thinks he?s a light-bulb.?

The doctor looks up and notices the guy?s face is going all red.

The doctor asks the first patient, ?If he?s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?

To what he replied: ?What? And work in the dark??

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Lol...love the first 2 Bilal!

 

[Niv]

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

-----------------------------------------------
* Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

* Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

* Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

* Viagra, Home of the whopper

* Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

* Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

* Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

* Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

* Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

* This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Any questions?

Man who put Rooster in freezer get stiff cock.
Man who run behind car is exhausted.
Man who run infront of car is tired.
Man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.

Viagra now comes in eye drops. You don't get an erection, but you look hard.

And I'm done

 

[kamrandahir]

(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)
1. Breathing.....