Herge was born in 1469, the twelfth child of a couple of mud farmers in medieval China. Whilst out bringing in the faeces harvest one morning, Herge was delighted to discover a time machine lodged in the outhouse. He used the machine, which had once belonged to an obscure British TV star, to embark on a series of escapades throughout history. He is widely believed responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, the Pol Pot regime and the conception of Jade Goody. His life of crime came to an ignominous end, however, when his time machine broke in 1930s Belgium, which let's be honest was never a great time nor place to hang around.
Embittered, Herge began drawing deeply sarcastic drawings of a ginger kid and his ill-behaved dog savaging ethnic minorities, so he could throw them at old people. However, the cartoons became instantly popular, and after earning a sponsorship from the Teutonic Gentlemen's Concern For The Betterment of Ethnically Responsible Europe, Herge began churning out adventures of the blue-sweatered rapscalion in earnest. Suddenly, business started going downhill, and he had to start working as a prostitute. As a result, he became pregnant and had 8 children, who later became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Lately it has been speculated that Tintin is gay because of his failing contact with women and very odd hairstyle.
George Bush reported.