FreddieFan
International Coach
Source: Barmy Army - Barmy Army News
This year's predictions:
* Dale Steyn becoming the best fast bowler in the world
* The IPL being won by the team assembled for the smallest amount of money
* Yorkshire being thrown out of the Twenty20 cup for fielding a player with a Barnsley accent
* England not only dropping Hoggard but overlooking him for a Test at Headingley in favour of an unknown roof tiler from Grimsby with an Australian accent and a tiny handful of first-class games under his belt
* The forfeited Oval Test being retrospectively declared a draw
* Vaughan resigning the captaincy Kim Hughes style and being replaced by Pietersen
* England signing up to a Mickey Mouse 20-20 tournament with ridiculous amounts of prize money, bankrolled by a man with a 1980's moustache who tries to get off with the England WAGs
Clearly all this seemed more far-fetched than a takeaway from Pluto, so we insisted she re-wrote it. Please accept our apologies.
This year we have learned our lesson and so the following is a series of nailed-on certainties.
January
Australia win the dead rubber Test in Sydney to stay top of the Test rankings. Graeme Smith denies that his team is suffering from dead rubber syndrome as he sits in Bermuda shorts with a pina colada at the post-match press conference. He insists his broken finger will heal quickly as long as he takes the picture of Kevin Pietersen off the wall, so he won't have to violently raise the said digit every time he walks in the room.
More trouble for Pietersen when he falls out with Moores. What appears an intractable power struggle is resolved when Moores is left in a coma after being run over by a car.
Yuvraj Singh writes in a newspaper column that "Kevin Pietersen probably did it". Afterwards both insist they are good friends.
Sri Lanka complete a 2-0 series win in Bangladesh before heading on to tour Pakistan.
February
KP is absolved of blame for Peter Moores' accident when it turns out the tyre marks are not from a very expensive car. Duncan Fletcher is sensationally reappointed England coach.
Pakistan win the first Test against Sri Lanka before refusing to play halfway through the second, after conceding a big first innings deficit. Sure enough, the ICC overrules the verdict that the game was forfeited, declares the match a draw, and promptly sacks four times running umpire of the year Simon Taufel.
South Africa beat Australia 2-0 in the Test series to go top of the world rankings. With the best cricket and rugby teams in the world simultaneously, millions of Saffers have difficulty squeezing through doorways as their heads have swollen so much.
New Zealand much-rounder Jesse Ryder is ruled out of New Zealand's home Test series with India after a drunken incident in a nightclub washroom in which he nails his head to the toilet seat. India win the series 1-0.
The series in New Zealand coincides with former captain Stephen Fleming setting off on a charity walk. Unfortunately he has to pull out less than half the way to his 100k target. He stated that while he was sad to miss out on three figures again, at least he now has a charity walk average over 40.
March
England storm to a 3-0 win in the Caribbean in which Pietersen describes Duncan Fletcher as "A breath of fresh air". Despite this success, KP insists that Michael Vaughan should be recalled to the side as soon as possible.
Sir Allen Stanford leaves a message on the ECB's Ansafone boasting about how he shafted English cricket. However the ECB decide he should only be suspended until just before the next Stanford Super Series takes place.
Yuvraj Singh is unable to play in the IPL after being injured in a road accident, from which the tuk-tuk driver wheels away shouting "I hope KP pays me well for this." Pietersen insists it was just a prank to get him back over the Moore's "joke" that went wrong and the pair are really the best of friends.
New Zealand much-rounder Jesse Ryder launches his own brand of toilet roll.
April
Brummie convict Andrew Symonds misses a pre-Ashes training camp to go fishing. He is let off with a final warning after passing his catch on to the selectors.
The IPL sees Mumbai Indians win in the final against the Deccan Chargers with Tendulkar hitting the winning runs. Tendulkar becomes prime minister the next day.
The county championship starts with unseasonal snow affecting some matches. Ed Giddins and Keith Piper tell their local papers it was just like it was in their day.
May
The Lord's Test is drawn again as the pitch is too slow, the weather is poor and Chanderpaul takes two days to score 146. The ECB say they will examine whether they should go on playing Tests in early May, or move them to April.
Chanderpaul's efforts inspire a reggae band to compose a tribute song to his batting style called "the crab". He then vanishes the day before the Chester-le-Street Test. England win by an innings and Dr Hannibal Lecter turns up with an interesting seafood platter in his lunchbox.
England's team stay in the notoriously haunted Lumley Castle for the Test. Kevin Pietersen is spooked relentlessly by a ghost until the Scooby Doo gang turns up and unmasks him as Yuvraj Singh. Yuvraj insists it was all a big joke between friends.
Brummie Convict Andrew Symonds misses a pre-Ashes bonding session to visit a CENSORED FOR LEGAL REASONS. He is let off with a final warning after letting the chairman of selectors have a peep at the photos.
June
The 20-20 World Cup sees England beating India in the final. At the end, Kevin Pietersen and Yuvraj Singh incapacitate each other by using joke electric shock handshake devices simultaneously. All the lights in a five mile radius instantly go out and power is not restored for several hours.
Brummie Convict Andrew Symonds misses a training session to go and rob a bank with Glenn McGrath. He is given a final warning after he promises not to let his country down by injuring himself tripping over a ball.
Michael Vaughan reaches double figures for the first time all season. KP says the selectors should consider recalling him.
The annual ICC meeting declares that the 2006 Oval Test was in fact a win for Pakistan.
July
On the eve of the opening Ashes Test in Cardiff, the ECB refute arguments that ticket prices are too high. "We need the money," says a spokesman. "Don't people know there's a recession on?"
The Test at Cardiff is drawn despite England making 675-3 declared in the first innings. Ponting says his team "didn't execute the plans properly". Despite Hayden making 7 and 1, the game is drawn after a poor performance from Harmison, who is affected by homesickness due to being out of England. Monty Panesar is injured before the game so England draft in bowling robot Merlin, who bowls like one and nobody notices the difference.
Australia call up seamer Doug Bollinger for the Lords Test. Upon hearing the name, David Gower kidnaps him, shoves him in a blender and drinks him.
The Lords Test ends in a draw thanks to another hopelessly slow pitch, despite Hayden being out for 3 and 10. Ponting insists the series is swinging Australia's way.
During the game, Andrew Symonds turns up so drunk he takes guard on the wrong side of the square. He is let off with a final warning after throwing up all over Kevin Pietersen, which Ponting judges to be the best bit of sledging all season. Symonds says Yuvraj Singh told him to do it, all as a jolly jape between friends.
A freak storm in Birmingham causes damage to the pitch and ground at Edgbaston. However, rather than cancel the Test, Warwickshire introduce a drop-in pitch, followed by some drop-in stands from Trent Bridge. The latter causes the ball to swing more than ever, Hayden makes a pair and England win by 234 runs.
August
England clinch the Ashes at Headingley when Australia fail to chase down a fourth-innings target of 158. Hayden starts the slide with a first-ball duck and the convicts collapse to 125 all out.
The Oval Test is drawn but it is all too little, too late for Australia. Hopes of winning the match on a turning pitch fail when the best spin bowler left in Australia, a Koala called Billy, calls in sick after eating some bad Eucalyptus leaves. As England parade the Ashes, one of the fireworks fails to go off. Kevin Pietersen picks it up, attaches an explosive timer to it and posts it to Yuvraj Singh. It burns Yuvraj's house down, but the pair insist they are just having a laugh.
Ricky Ponting says Australia lost the Ashes because they didn't execute their plans properly. Cricket Australia successfully executes its plans to execute his captaincy. Andrew Symonds gets the job on the grounds that his example is more of an inspiration.
Peter Moores awakes from his coma just in time to see TV footage of Pietersen with the Ashes. "I knew we'd make a successful team eventually," he says.
Sri Lanka win 3-0 in their home Test series against New Zealand. Ajantha Mendis introduces a new mystery ball that spins back towards the bowler, hitting the non-strikers' stumps and running him out as he backs up. Jesse Ryder has another toilet adventure in Galle when he stumbles into the Sydney hotel, with the staircase collapsing, a large stone ball rolling after him and no bog roll anywhere.
September
Washed up opening batsman Matthew Hayden finally retires, declaring that he is going to take his cooking hobby further by becoming a celebrity chef. "This will be my next century", he says; "By the end of this year I will come up with 100 new recipes." He manages 8.
Michael Vaughan scores his only century of the summer in a beer match against a Barmy Army select XI. KP says his run-scoring prowess has been missed badly.
Lancashire finally win the county Championship outright after 75 years of trying. They celebrate by announcing further plans for the redevelopment of Old Trafford, including extra hanging baskets and more men's toilet facilities in the shape of gravelly patches round the back.
October
New figures show that England's Ashes victory coincided with the economy coming out of recession due to the huge spending surge in cricket gear and videos. Prime Minister Gordon Brown promptly replaces Alistair Darling as chancellor with Peter Moores. Moores decides not to let on, reasoning that he can't have been any more clueless about the economy than the government.
Former New Zealand captain Stephen Fleming gets his own breakfast time radio show; "Wake up with Flem".
Kevin Pietersen's first-born child arrives. Yuvraj Singh is caught red-handed in the maternity unit trying to switch babies. He insists it is all in good banter.
The first fruits of having Shane Warne coach Australia's young spinners emerge when four of them reach the final of a poker tournament sponsored by a mobile phone company.
November
The Stanford Super Series is staged. To improve levels of taste from last year, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross are brought in to act as stadium tannoy announcers. The All Stars v England game is tied and due to a bizarre contractual clause covering such an eventuality Ross pockets the cash. "It's just like any other payday" he says. Brand boasts afterwards in an answerphone message that he slept with Yuvraj Singh. The claim causes shock and uproar in India until Kevin Pietersen admits egging Brand on. Pietersen is suspended from the captaincy until the next match.
Australia commence their Test series against Pakistan a wave of hype about the great new start they will have under Symonds' captaincy. Symonds throws up on the pitch at Brisbane when he goes out for the toss. Pakistan win in front of a tiny crowd.
India suffer a shock home Test defeat against Sri Lanka. Captain Mahele Jayawardene explains that the players were highly motivated to perform at their best in India to prove their minds were focused on what should be the most important priority for anyone representing the Sri Lankan national team: The next fat IPL contract.
Jesse Ryder bursts.
December
England arrive in South Africa on the crest of a wave and then find the PE Test is washed out. The Durban Test is also drawn thanks to persistent bad light when the floodlights turn out to be made of a lot of usherette's torches strapped together.
Pakistan go on to win 2-1 in Australia. Andrew Symonds quits the captaincy to go fishing.
The Lord's groundstaff dig up the pitch and serve it up as Christmas pudding. Nobody notices the difference.
Australia appoint Mike Hussey as their new captain for the series against the West Indies. In a desperate bid to find a match-winning spinner, Skippy the bush Kangaroo is picked. At Melbourne he takes 1-109, the best Australian spinner's figures in six months.
India win the Test series in Bangladesh despite Yuvraj Singh suddenly going missing. At exactly the same time KP vanishes from the England tour to South Africa.
The wild west: It's high noon at the Ok Corral. Kevin Pietersen and Yuvraj Singh turn up for a duel to sort things out once and for all, declaring that "the world of cricket ain't big enough for the both of us". They shoot each other, then agree it was a good laugh and joke before dropping into comas with blood everywhere. Both are revived from the brink of death when nurses stand over them and read out how much their 2010 IPL contracts are worth.
This year's predictions:
* Dale Steyn becoming the best fast bowler in the world
* The IPL being won by the team assembled for the smallest amount of money
* Yorkshire being thrown out of the Twenty20 cup for fielding a player with a Barnsley accent
* England not only dropping Hoggard but overlooking him for a Test at Headingley in favour of an unknown roof tiler from Grimsby with an Australian accent and a tiny handful of first-class games under his belt
* The forfeited Oval Test being retrospectively declared a draw
* Vaughan resigning the captaincy Kim Hughes style and being replaced by Pietersen
* England signing up to a Mickey Mouse 20-20 tournament with ridiculous amounts of prize money, bankrolled by a man with a 1980's moustache who tries to get off with the England WAGs
Clearly all this seemed more far-fetched than a takeaway from Pluto, so we insisted she re-wrote it. Please accept our apologies.
This year we have learned our lesson and so the following is a series of nailed-on certainties.
January
Australia win the dead rubber Test in Sydney to stay top of the Test rankings. Graeme Smith denies that his team is suffering from dead rubber syndrome as he sits in Bermuda shorts with a pina colada at the post-match press conference. He insists his broken finger will heal quickly as long as he takes the picture of Kevin Pietersen off the wall, so he won't have to violently raise the said digit every time he walks in the room.
More trouble for Pietersen when he falls out with Moores. What appears an intractable power struggle is resolved when Moores is left in a coma after being run over by a car.
Yuvraj Singh writes in a newspaper column that "Kevin Pietersen probably did it". Afterwards both insist they are good friends.
Sri Lanka complete a 2-0 series win in Bangladesh before heading on to tour Pakistan.
February
KP is absolved of blame for Peter Moores' accident when it turns out the tyre marks are not from a very expensive car. Duncan Fletcher is sensationally reappointed England coach.
Pakistan win the first Test against Sri Lanka before refusing to play halfway through the second, after conceding a big first innings deficit. Sure enough, the ICC overrules the verdict that the game was forfeited, declares the match a draw, and promptly sacks four times running umpire of the year Simon Taufel.
South Africa beat Australia 2-0 in the Test series to go top of the world rankings. With the best cricket and rugby teams in the world simultaneously, millions of Saffers have difficulty squeezing through doorways as their heads have swollen so much.
New Zealand much-rounder Jesse Ryder is ruled out of New Zealand's home Test series with India after a drunken incident in a nightclub washroom in which he nails his head to the toilet seat. India win the series 1-0.
The series in New Zealand coincides with former captain Stephen Fleming setting off on a charity walk. Unfortunately he has to pull out less than half the way to his 100k target. He stated that while he was sad to miss out on three figures again, at least he now has a charity walk average over 40.
March
England storm to a 3-0 win in the Caribbean in which Pietersen describes Duncan Fletcher as "A breath of fresh air". Despite this success, KP insists that Michael Vaughan should be recalled to the side as soon as possible.
Sir Allen Stanford leaves a message on the ECB's Ansafone boasting about how he shafted English cricket. However the ECB decide he should only be suspended until just before the next Stanford Super Series takes place.
Yuvraj Singh is unable to play in the IPL after being injured in a road accident, from which the tuk-tuk driver wheels away shouting "I hope KP pays me well for this." Pietersen insists it was just a prank to get him back over the Moore's "joke" that went wrong and the pair are really the best of friends.
New Zealand much-rounder Jesse Ryder launches his own brand of toilet roll.
April
Brummie convict Andrew Symonds misses a pre-Ashes training camp to go fishing. He is let off with a final warning after passing his catch on to the selectors.
The IPL sees Mumbai Indians win in the final against the Deccan Chargers with Tendulkar hitting the winning runs. Tendulkar becomes prime minister the next day.
The county championship starts with unseasonal snow affecting some matches. Ed Giddins and Keith Piper tell their local papers it was just like it was in their day.
May
The Lord's Test is drawn again as the pitch is too slow, the weather is poor and Chanderpaul takes two days to score 146. The ECB say they will examine whether they should go on playing Tests in early May, or move them to April.
Chanderpaul's efforts inspire a reggae band to compose a tribute song to his batting style called "the crab". He then vanishes the day before the Chester-le-Street Test. England win by an innings and Dr Hannibal Lecter turns up with an interesting seafood platter in his lunchbox.
England's team stay in the notoriously haunted Lumley Castle for the Test. Kevin Pietersen is spooked relentlessly by a ghost until the Scooby Doo gang turns up and unmasks him as Yuvraj Singh. Yuvraj insists it was all a big joke between friends.
Brummie Convict Andrew Symonds misses a pre-Ashes bonding session to visit a CENSORED FOR LEGAL REASONS. He is let off with a final warning after letting the chairman of selectors have a peep at the photos.
June
The 20-20 World Cup sees England beating India in the final. At the end, Kevin Pietersen and Yuvraj Singh incapacitate each other by using joke electric shock handshake devices simultaneously. All the lights in a five mile radius instantly go out and power is not restored for several hours.
Brummie Convict Andrew Symonds misses a training session to go and rob a bank with Glenn McGrath. He is given a final warning after he promises not to let his country down by injuring himself tripping over a ball.
Michael Vaughan reaches double figures for the first time all season. KP says the selectors should consider recalling him.
The annual ICC meeting declares that the 2006 Oval Test was in fact a win for Pakistan.
July
On the eve of the opening Ashes Test in Cardiff, the ECB refute arguments that ticket prices are too high. "We need the money," says a spokesman. "Don't people know there's a recession on?"
The Test at Cardiff is drawn despite England making 675-3 declared in the first innings. Ponting says his team "didn't execute the plans properly". Despite Hayden making 7 and 1, the game is drawn after a poor performance from Harmison, who is affected by homesickness due to being out of England. Monty Panesar is injured before the game so England draft in bowling robot Merlin, who bowls like one and nobody notices the difference.
Australia call up seamer Doug Bollinger for the Lords Test. Upon hearing the name, David Gower kidnaps him, shoves him in a blender and drinks him.
The Lords Test ends in a draw thanks to another hopelessly slow pitch, despite Hayden being out for 3 and 10. Ponting insists the series is swinging Australia's way.
During the game, Andrew Symonds turns up so drunk he takes guard on the wrong side of the square. He is let off with a final warning after throwing up all over Kevin Pietersen, which Ponting judges to be the best bit of sledging all season. Symonds says Yuvraj Singh told him to do it, all as a jolly jape between friends.
A freak storm in Birmingham causes damage to the pitch and ground at Edgbaston. However, rather than cancel the Test, Warwickshire introduce a drop-in pitch, followed by some drop-in stands from Trent Bridge. The latter causes the ball to swing more than ever, Hayden makes a pair and England win by 234 runs.
August
England clinch the Ashes at Headingley when Australia fail to chase down a fourth-innings target of 158. Hayden starts the slide with a first-ball duck and the convicts collapse to 125 all out.
The Oval Test is drawn but it is all too little, too late for Australia. Hopes of winning the match on a turning pitch fail when the best spin bowler left in Australia, a Koala called Billy, calls in sick after eating some bad Eucalyptus leaves. As England parade the Ashes, one of the fireworks fails to go off. Kevin Pietersen picks it up, attaches an explosive timer to it and posts it to Yuvraj Singh. It burns Yuvraj's house down, but the pair insist they are just having a laugh.
Ricky Ponting says Australia lost the Ashes because they didn't execute their plans properly. Cricket Australia successfully executes its plans to execute his captaincy. Andrew Symonds gets the job on the grounds that his example is more of an inspiration.
Peter Moores awakes from his coma just in time to see TV footage of Pietersen with the Ashes. "I knew we'd make a successful team eventually," he says.
Sri Lanka win 3-0 in their home Test series against New Zealand. Ajantha Mendis introduces a new mystery ball that spins back towards the bowler, hitting the non-strikers' stumps and running him out as he backs up. Jesse Ryder has another toilet adventure in Galle when he stumbles into the Sydney hotel, with the staircase collapsing, a large stone ball rolling after him and no bog roll anywhere.
September
Washed up opening batsman Matthew Hayden finally retires, declaring that he is going to take his cooking hobby further by becoming a celebrity chef. "This will be my next century", he says; "By the end of this year I will come up with 100 new recipes." He manages 8.
Michael Vaughan scores his only century of the summer in a beer match against a Barmy Army select XI. KP says his run-scoring prowess has been missed badly.
Lancashire finally win the county Championship outright after 75 years of trying. They celebrate by announcing further plans for the redevelopment of Old Trafford, including extra hanging baskets and more men's toilet facilities in the shape of gravelly patches round the back.
October
New figures show that England's Ashes victory coincided with the economy coming out of recession due to the huge spending surge in cricket gear and videos. Prime Minister Gordon Brown promptly replaces Alistair Darling as chancellor with Peter Moores. Moores decides not to let on, reasoning that he can't have been any more clueless about the economy than the government.
Former New Zealand captain Stephen Fleming gets his own breakfast time radio show; "Wake up with Flem".
Kevin Pietersen's first-born child arrives. Yuvraj Singh is caught red-handed in the maternity unit trying to switch babies. He insists it is all in good banter.
The first fruits of having Shane Warne coach Australia's young spinners emerge when four of them reach the final of a poker tournament sponsored by a mobile phone company.
November
The Stanford Super Series is staged. To improve levels of taste from last year, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross are brought in to act as stadium tannoy announcers. The All Stars v England game is tied and due to a bizarre contractual clause covering such an eventuality Ross pockets the cash. "It's just like any other payday" he says. Brand boasts afterwards in an answerphone message that he slept with Yuvraj Singh. The claim causes shock and uproar in India until Kevin Pietersen admits egging Brand on. Pietersen is suspended from the captaincy until the next match.
Australia commence their Test series against Pakistan a wave of hype about the great new start they will have under Symonds' captaincy. Symonds throws up on the pitch at Brisbane when he goes out for the toss. Pakistan win in front of a tiny crowd.
India suffer a shock home Test defeat against Sri Lanka. Captain Mahele Jayawardene explains that the players were highly motivated to perform at their best in India to prove their minds were focused on what should be the most important priority for anyone representing the Sri Lankan national team: The next fat IPL contract.
Jesse Ryder bursts.
December
England arrive in South Africa on the crest of a wave and then find the PE Test is washed out. The Durban Test is also drawn thanks to persistent bad light when the floodlights turn out to be made of a lot of usherette's torches strapped together.
Pakistan go on to win 2-1 in Australia. Andrew Symonds quits the captaincy to go fishing.
The Lord's groundstaff dig up the pitch and serve it up as Christmas pudding. Nobody notices the difference.
Australia appoint Mike Hussey as their new captain for the series against the West Indies. In a desperate bid to find a match-winning spinner, Skippy the bush Kangaroo is picked. At Melbourne he takes 1-109, the best Australian spinner's figures in six months.
India win the Test series in Bangladesh despite Yuvraj Singh suddenly going missing. At exactly the same time KP vanishes from the England tour to South Africa.
The wild west: It's high noon at the Ok Corral. Kevin Pietersen and Yuvraj Singh turn up for a duel to sort things out once and for all, declaring that "the world of cricket ain't big enough for the both of us". They shoot each other, then agree it was a good laugh and joke before dropping into comas with blood everywhere. Both are revived from the brink of death when nurses stand over them and read out how much their 2010 IPL contracts are worth.
