just_cricket
Associate Captain
This is where I plan to post my articles when I write them.
They won't be that frequent but hopefully some of you will enjoy them when I do post them...
To open up, a conspiracy theory about why New Zealand's batting hasn't been great lately:
They won't be that frequent but hopefully some of you will enjoy them when I do post them...
To open up, a conspiracy theory about why New Zealand's batting hasn't been great lately:
Gray Nicolls: Operation Killing Kiwis
It?s cricket?s most secret underground activity ? no, it?s not matchfixing, drug abuse, or even the Pakistan Cricket Board ? it?s cricket company Gray Nicolls? top secret operation ?Kill Kiwis.?
Essentially it seems to involve the identifying of promising New Zealand cricketers, contracting them as sponsored players, and through various means, preventing them from being the stars they could have been.
The initiative was born after Matthew Sinclair, using Gunn and Moore gear, scored two double centuries in his first few tests. Fearing that this talented New Zealander might pose a threat to Australia, the Australian based Gray Nicolls devised a ?beta version? of Operation Kill Kiwis, With lures of large amounts of cash, they poached Sinclair from GM, and played on his slight weakness of foot movement to bring him down. Under a binding contract which still doesn?t allow Sinclair to change gear, they provided with him with ridiculously heavy pads ? trying to look flashy and ?innovative? but really just heavy and bulky bits of spare canvas and reinforced concrete, under the pathetic pretext ?Tradition meets Innovation.? Now having to carry an extra half of his body weight, ironically ?Skippy? would never skip again ? his only choice to stay rooted to the crease and rely on natural ability to make runs at first class level. Obviously his test career was brought to an abrupt end.
Next Gray Nicolls decided to stretch its arm a bit further and destroy another New Zealand double centurion. With offers of free beer and a lifetime supply of KFC, they snatched Jesse Ryder from Kookaburra as soon as he scored his 200 against India in 2009. Before the very next test of the series, they managed to make sure of his failure simply by making him look ridiculous. Forcing him to sport a ?space age? helmet which was initially mistaken by his teammates for a burnt watermelon with chunks cut out of it, Ryder just couldn?t feel the part and hasn?t made a half century in Test or ODI cricket since.
The most recent victim of the operation has been Kane Williamson. The youngster is tipped to be the next big thing after being MVP in the NZ Domestic circuit, and opening up with a hundred on his debut tour match for New Zealand, all with Puma cricket equipment, which he has used since his early teen years. Once again Gray Nicolls saw the opportunity to wipe out another Kiwi, and handed him some of their new cricket gear. Following the success of destroying Ryder by making him look horrible in their helmet, Gray Nicolls continued with this theme. They took a horse helmet, and bent some No. 8 wire into the shape of a grill, He was also made to feel an utter charlie by being forced to use an ?Ignite? bat. Presumably the design on the back is meant to be some sort of fire, given the name, but the graphic designer obviously works in a refrigerator company where there is no fire, as the ?flames? on the back of the bat are in the shape of two bananas.
Williamson registered a duck on his ODI debut.
With this insurmountable, empirical evidence, it is clear that Gray Nicolls are deliberately out to ruin New Zealand?s cricketing future.
It?s cricket?s most secret underground activity ? no, it?s not matchfixing, drug abuse, or even the Pakistan Cricket Board ? it?s cricket company Gray Nicolls? top secret operation ?Kill Kiwis.?
Essentially it seems to involve the identifying of promising New Zealand cricketers, contracting them as sponsored players, and through various means, preventing them from being the stars they could have been.
The initiative was born after Matthew Sinclair, using Gunn and Moore gear, scored two double centuries in his first few tests. Fearing that this talented New Zealander might pose a threat to Australia, the Australian based Gray Nicolls devised a ?beta version? of Operation Kill Kiwis, With lures of large amounts of cash, they poached Sinclair from GM, and played on his slight weakness of foot movement to bring him down. Under a binding contract which still doesn?t allow Sinclair to change gear, they provided with him with ridiculously heavy pads ? trying to look flashy and ?innovative? but really just heavy and bulky bits of spare canvas and reinforced concrete, under the pathetic pretext ?Tradition meets Innovation.? Now having to carry an extra half of his body weight, ironically ?Skippy? would never skip again ? his only choice to stay rooted to the crease and rely on natural ability to make runs at first class level. Obviously his test career was brought to an abrupt end.
Next Gray Nicolls decided to stretch its arm a bit further and destroy another New Zealand double centurion. With offers of free beer and a lifetime supply of KFC, they snatched Jesse Ryder from Kookaburra as soon as he scored his 200 against India in 2009. Before the very next test of the series, they managed to make sure of his failure simply by making him look ridiculous. Forcing him to sport a ?space age? helmet which was initially mistaken by his teammates for a burnt watermelon with chunks cut out of it, Ryder just couldn?t feel the part and hasn?t made a half century in Test or ODI cricket since.
The most recent victim of the operation has been Kane Williamson. The youngster is tipped to be the next big thing after being MVP in the NZ Domestic circuit, and opening up with a hundred on his debut tour match for New Zealand, all with Puma cricket equipment, which he has used since his early teen years. Once again Gray Nicolls saw the opportunity to wipe out another Kiwi, and handed him some of their new cricket gear. Following the success of destroying Ryder by making him look horrible in their helmet, Gray Nicolls continued with this theme. They took a horse helmet, and bent some No. 8 wire into the shape of a grill, He was also made to feel an utter charlie by being forced to use an ?Ignite? bat. Presumably the design on the back is meant to be some sort of fire, given the name, but the graphic designer obviously works in a refrigerator company where there is no fire, as the ?flames? on the back of the bat are in the shape of two bananas.
Williamson registered a duck on his ODI debut.
With this insurmountable, empirical evidence, it is clear that Gray Nicolls are deliberately out to ruin New Zealand?s cricketing future.
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