JOINT RP BETWEEN JIMMY AND I
The camera shows Chez, sitting in his chair in his house, rubbing his hands together. Commentary from a Rugby game can be heard in the background.
Chez: Haha, now that I have my own goons, Crabbe and Goyle will have no chance against me! They will bully me no more! Isn't that right, Hermione?
The camera rotates around the room, showing Chez's girlfriend, Hermione, sitting down on the sofa.
Hermione: I guess so Chez, but please be fair, and don't hurt Crabbe. He's done nothing to you.
Chez: Are you kidding? He's slaughtered me! He's hospitalised me, he's ripped my ears and toes off, he's gotten me run over! How can I be fair to him?
Hermione: Come on, he was just teaching you a lesson, Chez. He was upset at your laziness at not RPing. You see, Chez. You can't go through life, without RPing, or scripting, and expect somebody else to do everything for you. You'll never get any success in life, by relying on other people. You've not paid for one meal since we've been going out. You've never decided where we're going, or driven us there. I always have to do anything. How can you possibly expect me to stay with you, if I have to do all the work? It's a two person relationship, Chez. If I leave you, what will you do? What other girl is going to want a lazy slob like you? You aren't romantic, you aren't handsome, you aren't funny, and I won't even get started on your bedroom skills. You're very lucky to have me, Chez, and if you keep acting like you are right now, then you won't have anyone at all. You're on very thin ice, Chez, and it's just about to crack. Watch yourself, Chez.
Chez: Yes, Hermy, sorry, Hermy. But you should know, I did take you out once.
Hermione: Yes, you took me to a strip club! Do you think I enjoyed that? An innocent wrestling, myspace fangirl like me, at a strip club? It's not very romantic, is it, Chez?
Chez: Well, no, but...
Hermione: It doesn't matter, it's all in the past. Just be careful. I may forgive you, but Crabbe and Goyle won't. And if you even think about touching Crabbe, I'll rip your tiny little balls off. Understood?
Chez: I don't see why you're so upset, anyway! I'm not even against them this week! They're going to be destroying Tun Mun instead!
Hermione: Come on, you know as well as I do that they will still rip you to shreds given the opportunity. So just don't upset them in any way. You don't want to be taught another lesson.
Chez: If they come near me, Riaan and McCormick will defend me. I have no problems. Those pathetic goons mean nothing to me. They're just bullies.
A crashing sound is heard in Chez's basement, where his so called "goons" live.
Chez: Oh no! That might be them! Quick, go hide!
Hermione nods, and runs upstairs into the bedroom to hide. Chez grabs his clutches, and hobbles down to his basement. He opens the door, to check if Riaan and McCormick are alright. He limps down the stairs into the darkness, and turns on the light, before letting out a squeal of terror. In front of him are the mangled bodies of Riaan and McCormick, legs broken, skulls smashed, lying in pools of their own blood. Riaan's eyeball is rolling along the floor in front of him.
Chez: Oh no! Looks like I'll need some new goons!
Chez abandons the bodies, and climbs back up the stairs, back into his living room. He trys to pick up the Yellow Pages off the floor, but isn't strong enough, and collapses to the floor. Content with his new position, Chez starts reading the Yellow Pages on the ground, finding the Goons page.
Chez: Well, the last brand I used were pretty breakable, so I'll have to find a new brand...
Chez runs his finger down the page, eventually stopping at the advert "Goonz 4 Hia"
Chez: Goonz 4 Hia, eh? Sound good! I'll use them!
Chez crawls along the ground, to his phone, which he picks up, and dials the number next to the "Goonz 4 Hia" advert.
Chez: Hello, I want to hire some goooons.
Phone person: Yes, Chez, we'll be over in a second.
Chez: Thank you very motch. Just, how do you know my name?
Phone person: We have our sources, Chez.
Chez: Alright, then. See you in a minute.
Chez pulls himself back into his wheelchair, and scoots himself over to the door, where he is met by a knock on the door, and the shout "Your goons are here, Chez!" from the other side of the door. Chez smiles to himself, and opens the door, where he is immediately greeted by a fist to the face, causing him to topple backwards out of his wheelchair.
Chez: Oh no! Not you guys!
Crabbe and Goyle open the door fully, and walk over to Chez's grounded body.
Chez: Leave me alone, you big bullies!
Crabbe and Goyle look disgusted by the insult, and look at each other, nodding. Goyle walks over to the wheelchair, and smashes it on Chez's head.
Goyle: That's enough of that kind of language, thanks.
Crabbe: We don't take kindly to words like that.
Chez: Fine, I'm sorry! But why did you come? I hired some goons to take you out!
Goyle: Oh, Chez, you naive little boy. Thinking goons are just people who are hired to take others out. You're wrong, Chez. You see, us goons aren't just hitmen, designed, groomed to take people out. No, we're humans too. Yes, we work for people, helping them remove pesky little buggers like you. But you can't just phone up a company to get us. No, no. You have to earn us, gain our trust and respect. That's what Johnny Styles has done. Even if you do hire goons, they'll be no good. They won't work to their best for you, they'll be happy to roll over and die. We proved that, when we took out Riaan and McCormick. We had to kill them, Chez. If you had their respect, they might have put up a fight. But that didn't happen, did it? They didn't even attempt to dodge our lead pipes. Didn't even flinch when we drilled into their skulls with a power driller. They didn't run when we came after them with sticks with nails in. They just didn't love you enough, Chez. You didn't put in the effort. Instead of taking them out for a walk, you sat om your fat arse, watching rugby. How do you think that made them feel? Thinking you'd rather watch Harry Ellis chasing after an egg, than them chasing after a stick. You only fed them once a week. They aren't cats, Chez, they need to be fed at least every day. But no, you keep all those corn dogs for yourself. You're putting on weight, Chez. Haven't you noticed? Everyone else has. They laugh at you behind your backs. Do you want that, Chez? Because of your ignorance, you have a little hate band joining up. They even have a group on myspace. How many members do you have in the Chez fanclub? None, because nobody wants to make one. Nobody cares enough for you. How will you feel, hanging from that cage at Golden Gamble by your laces? With everybody pointing and laughing at you, being destroyed. That's what'll happen, Chez. It'll be hell. Hell in a cell. It won't be nice for you. Your merchandise doesn't sell. The only cheers that ever come your way are when you mess up. You get eggs thrown at you in the street. And soon, very soon, we?ll have control over you. We?ll be so creative with your control. What kind of life is that, Chez? Not a good one, I know that. I feel sorry for you, Chez, I really do. Actually, I don?t. If it wasn?t for you, Crabbe and I would be bored out of our minds! You are our entertainment! We love beating you until you nearly die. We get a massive thrill out of it. And can you blame us? There are so many people on this planet that would love to be in PCWF. Not to win the title. Not to be on TV. Not for the money. No. Just to beat the crap out of you. We?re so lucky. And trust me, in that cell next week, we won?t stop beating you. We?ll destroy you, Chez. There?ll be nothing left. We?ll rip you to pieces. And all this, just because you didn?t RP. You could have avoided all this, Chez. But you didn?t want to. You were too busy watching the Sale Sharks. It doesn?t take long to RP, does it? You shouldn?t need to be reminded, you should do it automatically. And then you have the nerve to argue with Johnny. You should be ashamed, Chez. But I?m afraid we have no other choice, than to do this to you. Crabbe, go for it.
Crabbe: Sure thing.
Crabbe bends over to pick up Chez, but stops half way down, seeing an envelope poking out from under his body. Crabbe smiles, slides it out from under Chez, and lifts it up.
Crabbe: What?s this then, Chez? A letter from the hospital?
Chez: No, don?t touch! Those are the results from my test for prostate cancer!
Crabbe: Oh, really? Let?s have a look, then!
Crabbe opens the envelope, with Chez whimpering. Crabbe scans his eyes over the paper, with a look of sheer delight in his eyes.
Chez: Well? What is it?
Crabbe: Well, I hope your attitude is as positive as these test results.
Chez looks confused as Crabbe picks him up off the floor, and raises him above his head. After lifting him up and down a few times, he throws Chez forwards, head first, into the staircase. The stairs break, and Chez flies through them, downwards, straight onto the mangled bodies of Riaan and McCormick.
Crabbe: Right, Goyle. You go down there and finish the job, I?m going upstairs to investigate, just in case. See you soon.
Goyle: Right. Be careful, Crabbe. You never know what he could be hiding up there.
Crabbe: Of course, Goyle. I?m not stupid.
The two nod to each other, before Crabbe jumps the hole in the stairs, and sets off for upstairs. Waiting until he is out of sight, Goyle leaves the house for a second, before sprinting back in, and diving through the hole in the stairs. Twisting his body in the air, Goyle lands back first on Chez, executing a perfect corkscrew swanton bomb. A squeak comes from Chez, as the air is forced out of his lungs. Goyle, unharmed from the massive dive, gets up, and leans over Chez.
Goyle: You ready for some more, Chez?
Chez: No! Leave me alone! I want to go home!
Goyle: You are home, Chez. There?s no escape.
Chez: Uhhhh Nurrrrrrr
Goyle pushes Chez to the side, and picks up Riaan?s corpse. Turning him upside down, he walks over to Chez, and drops to his knees, tombstone piledriving Riaan?s corpse onto Chez. Chez wheezes again.
Chez: *grasping for air* Can?t? breath?
Goyle: No! Chez! Are you okay? Here, I?ll help you up.
Goyle stretches out an arm, which Chez grabs, and pulls himself up. He smiles at Goyle.
Chez: Thank you! Ohhh, we?re mates!
Goyle: We sure are. Hug?
Chez beams, and throws his arms around Goyle. Goyle hugs back, but only for a second, before he throws Chez over his head, falling backwards, executing a perfect Belly-to-belly suplex. Chez flies through the air, smashing his back against the far wall. He slides down it, banging his head on the ground. Goyle walks over to his body.
Chez: You were having me on!
Goyle: You never learn, do you?
Chez: No.
Goyle: Oh dear. You silly little boy. You?re a nasty piece of work, Chez.
Chez: I?m a twenty eight year old man. Stop calling me boy please.
Goyle: No.
Goyle pulls Chez up to his feet, who wobbles on the spot. Goyle picks McCormick?s corpse up off the floor, and throws him head first at Chez, spearing him to the ground.
Chez: That was really mean of you, Goyle. You big fat bully.
Goyle: Thanks, Chez. You?ve made me mad, now.
Goyle kicks Chez in the face, before lifting him to his feet once again. Goyle then throws Chez up in the air, smashing against the ceiling, lodging his head in it.
Goyle: Oh dear. Now you?re hanging from the ceiling.
Chez: Yes. Please let me down.
Goyle: Okay.
Goyle climbs the stairs in the basement, going up to the main hall. He sees Chez?s head sticking through the floor, and walks over to him. Goyle then jumps up in the air, landing two footed on Chez?s head, pushing them both through back to the basement, Goyle landing on Chez.[/b]
Goyle: Whoops! Chez, I?m so sorry! I was trying to help!
Chez: I know. It?s okay, I forgive you.
Goyle: Come on, let?s go up to the conservatory and chat.
Chez: Good plan!
Goyle picks up Chez, and lifts him over his shoulder. He walks over to the stairs, and when scaling them, Chez?s head is banging against the banister. When they reach the top of the stairs, Goyle accidentally drops Chez, who tumbles down the stairs head first, screaming. Goyle shakes his head, goes back down, and lifts him up again.
Goyle: *indifferent* Whoops.
Chez: *laughing* Oh, Goyle, you silly billy.
Jokingly, Goyle punches Chez in the face, causing blood to spurt out of his eye socket.
Chez: Be careful, Goyle! I know you?re only joking, but I can?t see out of this eye now!
Goyle: Yeah, what a shame. Come on, back up we go.
Goyle drags Chez up the stairs by his ankle, scraping his face on the stairs as they go up. When they reach the top of the stairs, Goyle picks Chez up, pushing him into the hall. He sees the hole in the floor where he was just pushed through, and shudders. As Chez has difficulties walking at the moment, Goyle picks him up, and tosses him over the hole, where Chez crumples in a heap on the floor. Goyle steps over the hole himself. He places his foot on Chez?s side, and slides him across the hallway, where he bangs into the wall at the end. He tries crawling through into the kitchen himself, but Goyle gets there first. Picking Chez up, he sits him on the side.
Goyle: I think you need some food, Chez. You must be hungry after all of these beatings.
Goyle reaches above Chez?s head, and opens the cupboard above him. As the door opens, a massive bag full of dry rice falls out, landing on Chez?s head, snapping his head forwards. Chez whimpers.
Goyle: Oh, Chez. Oh deary me, Chez. You see, this one was your fault. Neither me or Crabbe did anything about this. It was all your fault. Why? Because you?re lazy. You couldn?t be bothered to put your rice away properly, so it?s hurt your neck. That?s not a good thing, is it, Chez? It was just because of your laziness. If you bothered to just put your rice away properly, this wouldn?t be happening, would it? But no. You?re too lazy to do that. Too lazy to simply put your rice away properly. Was the rugby on at the time? You rushed putting away the rice, just so you could go back and sit om your fat arse, watching rugby. You?re a very lazy person, Chez. It?s not just putting rice away that you?re lazy with. It?s everything. No wonder two of your girlfriends have left you. You?re too lazy to have a good relationship. You?re lazy around the house, you?re lazy in conversations, you?re lazy in the bedroom. They won?t put up with you for long, Chez. Ah well. Feeding time!
Goyle rips the bag of rice open, as Chez opens his mouth and tips his head backwards. Goyle tilts the bag, pouring tons of uncooked rice down Chez?s throat. After a few seconds, Chez starts choking, and waving his arms to get Goyle to stop. However, Goyle doesn?t stop until Chez starts coughing it up, spilling it out onto the floor.
Chez: ENOUGH!
Goyle: Okay.
Goyle pulls Chez off the side, who lands face first on the rice.
Chez: Ouch.
Goyle slides Chez along the kitchen floor, outside into the conservatory, where he bangs his head against the double glazed glass.
Chez: Look, Goyle. I know you don?t mean it, but please, be gentle with me. You?re hurting me a bit!
Goyle: No can do. I?m a bit clumsy, ya see.
Chez: Oh, Goyle. Where would I be without you?
Goyle: Well, you?d probably be fully fit, and not about to be thrown through the conservatory window.
Chez: Uhhhhhh nurrrrrrrrrr
Goyle lifts Chez up, and launches him towards the window. Chez lands, spread out on it, and a loud squeak is heard as he slides down it, because the window didn?t break. Trying again, Goyle lobs Chez at the glass, which this time breaks, shattering glass on Chez?s back, cutting him up. He screams in pain.
Chez: YOU SAID WE WERE MATES!
Goyle: I lied.
Chez: Aww.
Goyle: Johnny, do it.
Johnny Styles is shown perching on top of the conservatory, staring at Chez. He turns around, and dives off the top, crushing Chez under the Corkscrew Moonsault. Styles stands up, and high fives Goyle, before laughing at Chez, who is crying, and curling up in pain.
Styles: Right, let?s bring him inside.
Styles lifts up Chez, and tries to throw him head first through a different pane of glass. However, Chez?s head just bounces off the window, falling to the ground. However, second time is lucky for Styles, as Chez flies through. Goyle and Goyle follow him in, where a loud bumping sound is heard on the ceiling.
Chez: Uhhhhhh Nurrrrrrrrr! He?s found ?er! He?s beatin? ?er!
Goyle: Ha, looks like you?re in for a shock, Chez.
Styles: I wish I could stay, but I have to be off. See you soon. By the way, Don Pedro is waiting outside for you, or something.
Goyle: Ahh good. Tell him we?ll be out in a minute.
Styles: Sure thing. See you at Golden Gamble, junior.
The two high five, as Johnny runs out of the front door, the banging still continuing upstairs. Goyle decides to show Chez what is is, picks him up, and throws him through the ceiling. Goyle jumps up after him, and watches the look of horror grow on Chez?s face as he realises what it is. He looks on his bed, and sees Hermione on her hands and knees, forcing her arse up in the air, with Crabbe penetrating her, in doggy fashion. The picture of Chez, which is normally positioned on the bedside cabinet, is on the floor, smashed, with a picture of Crabbe in it?s place.
Hermione: Ohh, ohhhhh, Crabbe, you?re sooo much better than Chez? I?d forgotten what a boner was like? Uhhhh? Oh, ****, Chez!
Chez: What do yer think yer doin??
Crabbe: What does it look like? I?ve stolen your girlfriend!
Chez: How could you do this to me?
Hermione: Oh, Chez, I?m so sorry you had to find out this way. But it had to be done. You were pushing me away, Chez. You?re repulsive. You can?t get it up, you think kissing is sex, you never do any housework, you?re the laziest man I know! When I met Crabbe, I never thought back. He?s perfect for me. He?s not a slob like you. He understands me, he can get it up, and he loves me. And I love him too. Plus, he doesn?t have prostate cancer.
Chez: Please! I can change!
Hermione: It?s too late, Chez. Come on, Crabbe. Let?s show him.
Crabbe and Hermione stop, and get off the bed. They go over to Chez, and grabbing a leg each, twist around, executing a double sharpshooter. Chez screams in pain until they stop. When they do, Hermione picks him up, and throws him through the bedroom window, onto the street outside, where he lands on his neck with a sickening crack. He lands just in front of Don Pedro, who is licking a lollipop. Don Pedro, seeing who it is, stamps on Chez?s neck, crippling him.
Don Pedro: Job well done!
The camera fades to black?
