Of course one of the biggest Ricky Ponting jokes there is, is that he is the "Australian Captain".
Below are some more.
Ricky Ponting Jokes
Q1 How can you tell if a Ricky Ponting's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if Ricky Ponting used the computer again?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: Do you know why Ricky Ponting got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from Ricky Ponting?
A: There is a stamp on it.
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a mobile phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. Ricky Ponting rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at him, then says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
Ricky Ponting was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
On his way home he drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Q: What does Ricky Ponting say when you ask him if his car indicator is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: Ricky Ponting going through a flashing red light.
Q: How did Ricky Ponting break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Q: What did the Ricky Ponting say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: How did Ricky Ponting try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does Ricky Ponting kill a fish?
A: He drowns it.
Q: How does Ricky Ponting kill a worm?
A: He bury's it.
Ricky Ponting was walking through the woods when he looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." then thought to himself "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." he kept thinking and thinking and one half hour later he was run over by a train.
Q: What does Ricky Ponting and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
There was a man outside mowing his lawn. He lived next store to Ricky Ponting who had just gotten a computer. Ricky Ponting went out to his mailbox to check the mail and went back in. After he had done that 10 times the guy asked him why he kept coming back out side and he said my computer keeps telling me I have mail.
One day Ricky Ponting decided to go ice fishing. So he packed up all his gear and headed for the nearest pond he could find. When he got there he started to cut a hole in the ice. Suddenly he heard a booming voice."There are no fish under the ice."
Surprised he turned around and saw no one. So he went back to cutting the hole. The booming voice popped in again,"There are no fish under the ice!"
Again he turned around and saw no one. So he asked "Is that god?"
The booming voice said,"No this is the Ice Rink Manager."
How to keep Ricky Ponting occupied:
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What do you do when Ricky Ponting throws a pin at you?
Run!!
He's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q. How do you know Ricky Ponting has been using a dishwasher?
A.It's clogged up with paper plates.
When Ricky Ponting was at school he recieved an assignment from his special ed. science teacher. The assignment was what will happen after you pull all of the legs off of a grasshopper. So the ponting says jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper jumped. So he pulled off one leg and said jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper jumped. So he does this until he got down to the last leg. So he pulled it off. Then he said jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper didn't jump. so he wrote down on his piece of paper.
"They lose their hearing"
Ricky Ponting was sick of people making fun of his. So he decided to prove to all people that was not as dumb as what they think he is.
He studied all the capitals of the United States ALL night long. He didn't even rest one bit. The next day, he spotted a couple a guys sitting down and walked up to them and he said," I bet you I can name all the capitals of the United States," and he said, "OK", "What is the capital of California?"
Ponting replied, " that's easy "C"
A man once hired Ricky Ponting to paint stripes down a road, but he has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, Ponting does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day he does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before. The third day, he does two miles. The boss thinks he is just having a bad day, so he still lets him keep the job. The fourth day, Ponting only does 1 mile. The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you doing well now?!" Ricky Ponting replies, "I can't get far because each day I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
Ricky Ponting goes to Florida for some alligator boots. No matter which store he goes to, he can't find the boots. A few days later a manager of one of the stores is driving home at night and sees Ponting knee-deep in a swamp. All around him, alligators are lying belly-up. The manager stops and watches Ponting. Suddenly, Ponting grabs an alligator, wrestles it, and turns it over. He looks at its feet and says, "Damn! This one isn't wearing boots either!"
Why doesn't Ricky Ponting know how to write the number "11"?
He Doesn't know which "1" comes first!
Ricky Ponting was walking on the opposite of the river from another man.
The other man yells across to ponting, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
Ricky Ponting hesitates, looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
Q:How did Ricky Ponting end up in hospital while drinking milk?
A:The cow fell on him.
Ricky Ponting walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. Ponting looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind Ponting and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. Ricky Ponting spins around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." Ricky Ponting who was a passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Q: What do you call a pimple on Ricky Ponting's butt?
A: Brain Tumor
Q. How do you measure Ricky Ponting's I.Q.?
A. With a tire gauge.
Q. What's one way that you can confuse Ricky Ponting?
A. You give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them!
Q. How do you know Ricky Ponting has been using the computer?
A. There is cheese in front of the mouse!
Q. What do you call a fly, flying in Ricky Ponting's head?
A. A space invader.
Q. How do you know when Ricky Ponting is making chocolate cookies?
A. There are M&M shells all over the place.
Q. Why did Ricky Ponting climb over the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
Ricky Ponting's TERMINOLOGY
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
Below are some more.
Ricky Ponting Jokes
Q1 How can you tell if a Ricky Ponting's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if Ricky Ponting used the computer again?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: Do you know why Ricky Ponting got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from Ricky Ponting?
A: There is a stamp on it.
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a mobile phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. Ricky Ponting rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at him, then says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
Ricky Ponting was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
On his way home he drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Q: What does Ricky Ponting say when you ask him if his car indicator is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: Ricky Ponting going through a flashing red light.
Q: How did Ricky Ponting break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Q: What did the Ricky Ponting say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: How did Ricky Ponting try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does Ricky Ponting kill a fish?
A: He drowns it.
Q: How does Ricky Ponting kill a worm?
A: He bury's it.
Ricky Ponting was walking through the woods when he looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." then thought to himself "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." he kept thinking and thinking and one half hour later he was run over by a train.
Q: What does Ricky Ponting and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
There was a man outside mowing his lawn. He lived next store to Ricky Ponting who had just gotten a computer. Ricky Ponting went out to his mailbox to check the mail and went back in. After he had done that 10 times the guy asked him why he kept coming back out side and he said my computer keeps telling me I have mail.
One day Ricky Ponting decided to go ice fishing. So he packed up all his gear and headed for the nearest pond he could find. When he got there he started to cut a hole in the ice. Suddenly he heard a booming voice."There are no fish under the ice."
Surprised he turned around and saw no one. So he went back to cutting the hole. The booming voice popped in again,"There are no fish under the ice!"
Again he turned around and saw no one. So he asked "Is that god?"
The booming voice said,"No this is the Ice Rink Manager."
How to keep Ricky Ponting occupied:
Scroll down:
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*
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*
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Scroll Up
What do you do when Ricky Ponting throws a pin at you?
Run!!
He's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q. How do you know Ricky Ponting has been using a dishwasher?
A.It's clogged up with paper plates.
When Ricky Ponting was at school he recieved an assignment from his special ed. science teacher. The assignment was what will happen after you pull all of the legs off of a grasshopper. So the ponting says jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper jumped. So he pulled off one leg and said jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper jumped. So he does this until he got down to the last leg. So he pulled it off. Then he said jump grasshopper jump. And the grasshopper didn't jump. so he wrote down on his piece of paper.
"They lose their hearing"
Ricky Ponting was sick of people making fun of his. So he decided to prove to all people that was not as dumb as what they think he is.
He studied all the capitals of the United States ALL night long. He didn't even rest one bit. The next day, he spotted a couple a guys sitting down and walked up to them and he said," I bet you I can name all the capitals of the United States," and he said, "OK", "What is the capital of California?"
Ponting replied, " that's easy "C"
A man once hired Ricky Ponting to paint stripes down a road, but he has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, Ponting does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day he does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before. The third day, he does two miles. The boss thinks he is just having a bad day, so he still lets him keep the job. The fourth day, Ponting only does 1 mile. The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you doing well now?!" Ricky Ponting replies, "I can't get far because each day I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
Ricky Ponting goes to Florida for some alligator boots. No matter which store he goes to, he can't find the boots. A few days later a manager of one of the stores is driving home at night and sees Ponting knee-deep in a swamp. All around him, alligators are lying belly-up. The manager stops and watches Ponting. Suddenly, Ponting grabs an alligator, wrestles it, and turns it over. He looks at its feet and says, "Damn! This one isn't wearing boots either!"
Why doesn't Ricky Ponting know how to write the number "11"?
He Doesn't know which "1" comes first!
Ricky Ponting was walking on the opposite of the river from another man.
The other man yells across to ponting, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
Ricky Ponting hesitates, looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
Q:How did Ricky Ponting end up in hospital while drinking milk?
A:The cow fell on him.
Ricky Ponting walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. Ponting looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind Ponting and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. Ricky Ponting spins around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." Ricky Ponting who was a passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Q: What do you call a pimple on Ricky Ponting's butt?
A: Brain Tumor
Q. How do you measure Ricky Ponting's I.Q.?
A. With a tire gauge.
Q. What's one way that you can confuse Ricky Ponting?
A. You give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them!
Q. How do you know Ricky Ponting has been using the computer?
A. There is cheese in front of the mouse!
Q. What do you call a fly, flying in Ricky Ponting's head?
A. A space invader.
Q. How do you know when Ricky Ponting is making chocolate cookies?
A. There are M&M shells all over the place.
Q. Why did Ricky Ponting climb over the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
Ricky Ponting's TERMINOLOGY
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
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