The Jokes Thread

[Yogy]

PLEASE DOCTOR

My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack.

"Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."

"We'll try," he replied compassionately.

In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.

Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."

"We'll do our best," he replied.

And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding.

Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you:

Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"

"Yes."

"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?"

"Yes."

"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."

"Yes?"

"It has a 20-year guarantee..."


Please Post your Replies :upray

 

[bladescape]

HAHAHA:laugh

That's the best yet I reckon!

 

[Karachi Xpress]

HAHAHAHA!!! awesome yogy:laugh

 

[Magz]

A jump lead walks into a bar, the barman says "I'll serve you but don't start anything".

 

[siddharth2002]

a few bad ones...


a young man is sitting at a bar when a thug comes over and thwaks him, then says that was karate from korea

a little while later he is sitting there again and gets thwaked from behind, again by the same thug, and he says that was kung fu from china

a bit later he again gets thwaked by the same thug and he says that was judo from japan

the young man gets up and walks out of the bar.

later that day the young man walks back ito the bar and THWAK! he hits the thug. He says to the barman, when that f*cking c*nt wakes up tell him that was a shovel from bunnings

Lolol, Bunnings Warehouse, they have the cheapest deals and will match the price if you can find a cheaper deal elsewhere.

 

[mattfb]

a young man is sitting at a bar when a thug comes over and thwaks him, then says that was karate from korea

a little while later he is sitting there again and gets thwaked from behind, again by the same thug, and he says that was kung fu from china

a bit later he again gets thwaked by the same thug and he says that was judo from japan

the young man gets up and walks out of the bar.

later that day the young man walks back ito the bar and THWAK! he hits the thug. He says to the barman, when that f*cking c*nt wakes up tell him that was a shovel from bunnings

LOL lmao, that ones funny.

 

[Cricketdude]

Heard it before but still funny.

 

[fear_09]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ?Timbuktu.?

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin? went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

lol TimBukedTwo!!!!!!

 

[zammipspman]

Good One! Keep it up

 

[Akash00]

Yogy's was the best.

 

[Yogy]

I want to speak to my Lawyer


A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week. "The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week. "The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? " The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."

 

[Cricketdude]

How is that funny?

 

[Themer]

Not a paticularly nice joke but it made me laugh when I heard it
Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Pope John Paul II?


Answer in white below



The pope died a virgin

 

[Dr. Pepper]

Spoiler

Early one morning, the Pope was having a nice shower, when he felt a certain tingle down there. Figuring that a little sin never did anyone any harm, he proceeds to have a quick ****. Just as he climaxes though, he here's a strange "click" noise. Quickly, he grabs a towel and exits the shower, and sees a paparazzo lens sticking through the bathroom window.

"You there!" He shouts. "You must give me that camera!"

"Are you kidding?" says the paparazzo. "I just got a photo of the Pope wanking! I'm rich"

"But my child," says the pope, "You could bring down the Church if people knew! Think of the chaos, the heartache!"

"Sorry pal, this pic is worth millions to me."

The pope sighs. "Very well, if I give you ten million euros will you give me the camera?"

The paparazzo thinks on this for a moment and agrees. So the Pope writes him a cheque, takes the camera and sends him on his way. Later, as he's sitting on his bed grumbling and trying to get the film out, a maid walks in.

"Oh, your Holiness," says the maid, "that's a very nice camera. How much did it cost you?"

"Ten million euros." grunts the Pope.

"Ten million euros? TEN MILLION EUROS?" They must have seen you coming!"

Found that one really funny .

 

[Kev]

Found that one really funny .

You're not alone!