The Jokes Thread

[Karachi Xpress]

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him.
But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

 

[newzolt]

General ways to annoy people!!!

Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough [COLOR=orange ! important][COLOR=orange ! important]chocolate[/COLOR][/COLOR] sprinkles.
Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then [COLOR=orange ! important][COLOR=orange ! important]eat[/COLOR][/COLOR] raw potatoes.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
As people talk, smell their shoulders.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
Ask people what gender they are.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a [COLOR=orange ! important][COLOR=orange ! important]notebook[/COLOR][/COLOR]. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
Be "in conference" all the time.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.
Bring 15 things into the dressing room.
Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
Buy it, wear it, return it.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Call every girl you know "dude".
Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds.
Call everyone a communist.
Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages.
Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
Call your neighbors collect.
Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed.
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you
Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.
Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them.
Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
Continuously mumble during a conversation.
Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines.
Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the [COLOR=orange ! important][COLOR=orange ! important]ink [COLOR=orange ! important]cartridge[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR] across the room.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Don't clean the dryer lint screen.
Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup.
Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back.
Don't stand during hymns and anthems.
dont use any punctuation
Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
Draw mustaches on posters.
Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Drive half a block.
Drum on every available surface.
Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.
Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.
Eat produce at the market; don't buy it.
E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in [COLOR=orange ! important][COLOR=orange ! important]Windows [COLOR=orange ! important]XP[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR]
that aren't actually there.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly.
Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
Face the back when standing in an elevator.
Fart in cramped places.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
Finish other people's crossword puzzles
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel.
Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination."
Forget the pooper scooper.

 

[KBC]

Some of them are really funny.

 

[mattfb]

Call every girl you know "dude".

That's gonna get you all the chicks now isn't it? (Y)

 

[SciD]

Girlfriend:It?s 2 tight
Boyfriendon?t worry,I?ll put it slowly,

Girlfriend:Push it in,
Boyfriend:Ah..I can?t,

Girlfriend:It?s painful,
Boyfriend:Forget it.
.
.
.
.
We?ll buy new WEDDING RING!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It?s the thing that satisfies
ur mind, body & soul!
Do it on bed, on a sofa,
in the car or anywhere!
It?s called Prayer!
God bless ur naughty mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What?s an average 6 inch long
Inside a guy?s pants and girls love to blow it up?
?
?
?
?
A:1000- rupee currency note.!
Always think positive

 

[Burnsy1]

Why does it take 100 Mink to make a womans coat?

Because they're really crap at sewing.


Yes it's pants but oh well. Mighty Boosh joke for you slightly edited.

 

[.Mob]

Sid wins. Yeah, thanks.

 

[newzolt]

How to tick people off!

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

 

[newzolt]

Santa and Banta - Jokes

Santa and Banta - Jokes

Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last wrote - THUNK !!!"

********************************************

Santa : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and the other one is blue with red spots!
Banta : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

************************************

Santa: What is ANOTHER difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Banta: A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!

***********************************

Banta:When did George Washington die ?
Santa:Two days before his FUNERAL

****************************************

Banta : Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of...
Santa : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.

****************************************

Banta singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say should not put up suchmisleading notices", said Banta singh. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.

******************************************

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have.
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.

**********************************************************

Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do his PhD.
Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cut one of its leg. Then he said "WALK". The cockroach movesforward. Then Banta cut its second leg and commanded "WALK". The cockroach manages to moves forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and commanded "WALK". The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on oneleg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said "WALK". The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match.
Banta is jubiliant, "NOW" says Banta "MY THESIS IS READY" and proceeds to write it.
"WHEN YOU CUT FOUR LEGS OF A COCKROACH IT BECOMES DEAF"

*********************************************************

a sindhi got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate:
"Mother: sindhi. Father: sindhi. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are sindhi?"
"Aah, sindhi read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

*********************************************************

Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying a Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission).
Accidently, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He startedsearching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely, he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him, "Can you lift your saree? I want to take a photograph"

The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure".

He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he could stay there for the night.
The owner replied, "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he could stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked, "Do you have "grown up" daughters?".

The owner asked, "WHY?????????"

Banta replied, "I want to stay here for a night.....

*********************************************************

Once Banta Singh attended to an Interview. Following are the questions asked and the answers given
Interviewer: Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh: Ok
Interviewer: Made in India
Banta Singh: Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer: Keep it Up
Banta Singh: Put it Down
Interviewer: Maxi Mum
Banta Singh: Mini Dad
Interviewer: Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh: Don't take my seat
Interviewer: Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh: Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer: I say you get out!
Banta Singh: You didn't say I come in
Interviewer: I reject you!
Banta Singh: You accept me
Interviewer: ...

============================================
Interviewer: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta Singh: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.
============================================
Interviewer: When did George Washington die?
Banta Singh: two days before his funeral.

===========================================
Interviewer: Tell me five ferocious animals you can think of...
Santa Singh: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
============================================

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area
The Judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE"

 

[newzolt]

Which condom would you use....?



* Nike Condoms: Just do it.
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
* Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
* Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
* Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
* Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
* Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
* Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
* Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
* Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
* California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
* Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
* KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
* Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
* Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
* Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
* The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't
belong in your face.
* General Electric: We bring good things to life!
* AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
* Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
* Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
* Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
* M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
* Chevron: use them? people do.
* Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
* MCI: for friends and family
* Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
* The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
* Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
* United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
* The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

 

[Spiritinthesky]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'

 

[shrenik]

i guess you should add one more to this list

Tata Sky : isko laga dala toh life jingalala

 

[ZoraxDoom]

i guess yous should add one more to this list

Tata Sky : isko laga dala toh life jingalala

Great

 

[Spiritinthesky]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.'

'Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa ?'

 

[SciD]

Your Momma is so fat that when she sings its over.