The Jokes Thread

[Pranav]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

 

[SciD]

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, "You dont understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you dont understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...

 

[Themer]

Q-Why is FIRE BRIGADE red in color?
A-FIRE BRIGADE has a Ladder,Ladder has Steps,Steps are to be climbd by Foot,Foot is to be measurd by a Ruler,Ruler can b a King or Queen,Queen of Englnd is Elizabeth,Elizbth is also name of a Ship,Ship sails on Water,Water has Fish,Fish has Fins,Fins are the ppl of Finland,Finland has a National Flag,colour of which is RED.So thats why FIRE BRIGADE is painted RED!
some othr day I wil tel you why. AMBULANCE is painted White

Since when was the national flag of Finland red?

 

[SciD]

80 year old man: My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the woods, sees a bear, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG... The bear drops dead!

Old man: Thats impossible; someone else must have shot the bear.

Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!

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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife who yelled for what felt like hours. Finally his wife stopped and said, "How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?"

He replies, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, Michael, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

Michael replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldnt possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I cant," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, Michael crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Jeffrey, you shouldnt be here. My husband will be home soon!"

 

[McLOVIN]

^^ veryy old all of em

 

[AbhishekS]

i will provide some new ones

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Nice first one Sid :rtfl

 

[Yogy]

Nice ones Sid, Thanks...

 

[Niv]

A man is organising an 'emotion' theme party where everyone comes dressed to resemble an emotion.

On the night, he stands at the door to welcome his guests...

A woman comes up dressed in pink with a feathered hat, and says "I'm tickled pink."

A man comes up dressed in a fully green suit and says "I'm green with envy"

Then suddenly two Irish men appear naked, one with his penis in a tub of custard and another with his penis in a pear.

One of them says in a heavy accent: "I'm f**king dis custard, and he's come in dis pear"

 

[SciD]

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.
So the boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild
fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other
employee. Who told you, you could come and go as you please?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
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Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

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A Junior Philosopher..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted ...

 

[McLOVIN]

^^ HAHAHAH @ last one!! when i read uptill half way, i thought it was gona be one of those old obvius jokes, but there were more

 

[Niv]

Extended:

Johnny: I'm holding something in my pocket: it's round, hard and has a head on it.

Teacher: JOHNNY!

Johnny: It's a 20 cent coin, but I like the way you're thinking.

 

[Pranav]

^^ :rtfl

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, " It feels great but I still think my thumb's broken."

 

[SciD]

Teacher: Use benign in a sentence.
Student: I am eight years old. Next year I'll benign

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Teacher: Use benign in a sentence.
Student: I've had this tumour for eight years. Next year it will benign.

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An English teacher writes, ?I ain't had no fun in months? on the black board. She then
asks her class, ?OK, how should I correct that??
The class wag replies, ?Miss, Miss. Get yourself a new boyfriend!?

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A traffic cop pulls alongside a speeding car on a motorway. Glancing at the driver he?s
astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolls down his window and yells, ?Pull over lady!?
?No!? the blonde replies, ?It?s a scarf!?

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Three Brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry, all have unusually large feet. Tom and Harry are
both size 12, but Dick's are a whopping size 14. Tom and Harry decide to have a night on
the town and whilst in a bar, notice a group of women looking over and laughing. Harry
asks the group what they are laughing at and one of the women apologies, but says they
can?t get over the size of their feet. Harry laughs and tells the women ?if you think
these are big, you should see the size of our Dick?s ?

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Another blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to
ask her a few questions...
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Hum... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Hum... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Hum... I don?t know.
Officer: OK thanks for coming. Well be in touch tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder
case!"

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A doctor is walking down the street when he notices an 85-year-old patient coming
towards him with a very beautiful well-built young lady on his arm. The patient is looking
the happiest that the Doc had ever seen him.
When the old guy notices the doctor he walks up to him and says,
?Doc. I?ve taken your advice and look at me.?
Puzzled, the doc asks, ?What was the advice I gave you??
?You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful!?
?Oh no.? says the Doc. ? I told you that you?d got a heart murmur and to be very careful!?