The Jokes Thread

[Prithvi]

f you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right
- you are in Kolkata.

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on
– that's Mumbai.

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up
- that's Delhi.

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall
- that's Ahmadabad.

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program.
- that s Bangalore.

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says "Anna, don't fight for all this nonsense". Peace comes in
- that's Chennai.

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
- you are in Hyderabad.

Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting.,third guys comes try to stop them and get involved and call others too to stop, finally stop them,
- you r in Rajasthan.

Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. Some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in
- thiruvananthapuram, the city of Kerala ...

 

[Niv]

Loved the mermaid one!


A man rushed into a bar with his hair and clothes messed up, claiming he had been abducted by aliens.

He told them his story: "I was just walking home, when suddenly I was attacked by an alien who jumped out of the bushes. He then took me to his spaceship and analy probed me, then dumped me back out here."

"That's amazing" the bartender said, "Did you see what the alien looked like?"

The man replied "yeah, it looked like Carl..."

 

[SciD]

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close
to keep warm.

In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a
dream that someone was pulling on my dick.

"The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

 

[Cricketdude]

Nice one sid.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

LMAO!! Nice one Sid :rtfl

 

[Niv]

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

 

[Will_NA]

Haha!! :d ^^

 

[Yogy]

Nxt Year's IPL shall be played in Pakistan ! ! !
Because of security & various other reasons, BCCI has decided to organize nxt year's IPL in Pakistan. Howevr, BCCI officials hv asked Pak to giv a list of facilities they would offer to the franchises .....

Pakistan has offerd following facilities :-

1) Security arrangements by Al-Qaida.
2) Training sessions by Taliban.
3) Players won't liv in hotels but in bunkers.
4) Toss will be done with a hand-grenade.
5) Bats man hitting a six will be shot then & there.
6) Bowler taking a wicket will be hanged till death.
7) After evry match, there will be a serial bomb blast.
8) Team lifting DLF cup would be attacked with missile "Ghouri".

BCCI officials feel that Pakistan is nt providing enough of facilities (as per it's reputation)


Note : Sorry If I had hurt anyone.

 

[KBC]

^^

:/

Here's one:

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer.
"And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"

"Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy.

"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"

 

[mattfb]

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

LOL! hahaha classic.

 

[Cricketdude]

I really don't think that joke's funny.

cricketdudemad added 15 Minutes and 37 Seconds later...

I got told of this joke so, sorry if I missed some parts(all from memory).

An Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman are held captive by terrorists. They told to bring 10 of the same fruit and stick it up your @ss.
The Englishman gets to 4 apples before he couldn't do anymore, so the terrorists shoot him. The Australian gets cherries and when he gets to 9, he bursts out into laughter. So the Terrorists shoot him.
The Englishman and the Australian are dead and are talking in heaven. The Englishman says "dude you were so close, why did you start laughing?"
The Australian says "Oh, because I saw the Irishman coming up with 10 pineapples.

 

[Gurjot95]

Q-Why is FIRE BRIGADE red in color?
A-FIRE BRIGADE has a Ladder,Ladder has Steps,Steps are to be climbd by Foot,Foot is to be measurd by a Ruler,Ruler can b a King or Queen,Queen of Englnd is Elizabeth,Elizbth is also name of a Ship,Ship sails on Water,Water has Fish,Fish has Fins,Fins are the ppl of Finland,Finland has a National Flag,colour of which is RED.So thats why FIRE BRIGADE is painted RED!
some othr day I wil tel you why. AMBULANCE is painted White

 

[Will_NA]

That...




was not funny.



Not funny at all.

 

[PhilD123]

And painful to read.

But I'm looking forward to the ambulance one to see which interesting ways you can link it up to the colour white...

 

[Gurjot95]

I know it was not a funny. It was just for fun. I dont know where to post that so I post it in this thread.