The Jokes Thread

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

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On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. ?What's wrong?? asked Johnny. ?Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.?

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my bu** look fat?

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Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!

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A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling ? what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

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- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
- Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
*recommends as bad words

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Samuels]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

An idea can change your night.

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise -- Only $5."
She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.
The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

 

[FabregasChelsea]

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar.

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..

Waiter :- Why a donkey?.

Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?
Beer

 

[zeustrojanstark]

"Tommy recalls his first time with a condom, he was 16 or so. He went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that he was new at it. She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one. He honestly answered, ?No, this is my first time.?

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to make sure it was on tight and secure. He apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

?Just a minute,? she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking his hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ?Do these excite you?? She asked Tommy.

He was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

?Well, come on?, she said, ?We don?t have much time.? So he climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, he was done within a few moments.

She looked at him with a bit of a frown. ?Did you put that condom on?? she asked Tommy.

He said, ?I sure did,? and held up his thumb to show her.

She fainted.?

 

[Villain]

" If you start banning players who don't walk ,
Australia wouldn't have a team ." - Ian Botham

 

[zeustrojanstark]

A simple one:

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Crust

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a 100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

A woman was at work when a man said, "Your hair smells nice."
She went straight to her boss and said, "I've been sexually harrassed. A man said my hair smells nice."
He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does?"
She said, "The man who said that was a midget."

 

[Col. Hans Landa]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What's logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're gay, ain't ya?"

 

[zeustrojanstark]

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing.
Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and
says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and
runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are
playing together again. Once again Little
Johnny points to his private parts and
says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on
playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks
Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl,
pulling up her dress, "that with one of
these, I can get as many of those as I
want."