The Jokes Thread

Is wittiest/funniest answer competition a good idea?


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An old couple go upstairs to go to bed. The man lies in the bed and is surprised to see that his wife sets down to sleep on the floor. "Why are you sleeping on the floor dear?". The wife replied, "I want something hard for a change".

:D
 
Q) What do shaving and sex have in common?

A) They both start to show if you don't do either of them for a few days.

:D
 
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

:) :) :)
 
Fore ....

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your
lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the broken window.

A large man wearing a turban and reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you,
young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,'the genie said. 'And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?'You know I love you sweetheart,' said
the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
insatiable. After about three hours the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and
your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?'
 
And finally... A wee Scottish joke from the Western Isles

A young man called Calum Ian
Macaulay from Carloway wanted to
buy a Christmas present for his
new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each
other for very long and she lived
in Uig.

Calum consulted with his sister
and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of
good quality gloves would strike
the right note? not too romantic
and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to
Murdo Macleans in Stornoway and
they selected a dainty pair of
fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same
time.

MacLean's had a free gift wrap
offer but the assistant mixed up
the two items, the sister got the
gloves and Calum unknowingly got
the knickers.

Good old Calum Ian sent off his
gift wrapped present (the knickers) in a parcel
with the following letter.



Dear Murdina,

I chose these because I've
noticed that you are not wearing
any when we go out in the
evenings. If it had not been for
my sister I would have chosen the
long ones with buttons, but she
wears shorter ones (which are
easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks
and they were hardly soiled at
all.

I had her try yours on for me and
she looked really smart in them
even though they were a little
bit tight on her. She also said
that they rub against her ring
which helps keep it clean. In
fact she hasn't needed to wash it
since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on
for you the first time, as no
doubt many other hands will touch
them before I have a chance to
see you again.

When you take them off remember
to blow into them a little bit
because they will be naturally a
little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my
lips will kiss them during the
coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me
on our next date.

All my love,

Calum Ian.

P.S. My mum tells me that the
latest style is to wear them
folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 
Why are fences planted around graveyards?
Because people are dying to get in!:rtfl
-----------------------------------------------
What did the stupid burglar do when he saw a "WANTED" poster on the police office?
He decided to join the force!:laugh
-----------------------------------------------
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car-go beep-beep!:laugh
-------------------------------------------
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Mister
Mister who?
Mister last train home! (missed the last train home):laugh
----------------------------------------------
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Police
Police who?
Police let me in! (please let me in!):laugh
-------------------------------------------
Which is the biggest rope in the world?
Europe!:rtfl
 
This one made me cry!

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only
send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This isn't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The
farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are
you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to
explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've s**t the bed !!
 

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