The Jokes Thread

[mattfb]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your
lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm

voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the broken window.

A large man wearing a turban and reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you,
young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,'the genie said. 'And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?'You know I love you sweetheart,' said
the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
insatiable. After about three hours the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and
your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?'

LOL HILARIOUS!!!!

Er...????:confused:

He wasn't talking to you, he was talking to the person who did the joke above you.

This one made me cry!

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only
send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This isn't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The
farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are
you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to
explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've s**t the bed !!

LOL! Nice!

 

[Niv]

(That means yours aren't funny)

 

[Highlander999]

Very good Kev. Personal experience?

 

[Abhas]

Looks like.. It made him cry

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Nice one Kev...

 

[Saltireyeken]

The Three Tests

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees it's filled to the brim with ?10 notes.

He estimates there must be thousands of pounds in it.


He approaches the barman and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

'Well, you pay ?10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him

the ?10 and the barman drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the barman says. 'Here's what you have to do .......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole

thing, all at once ... And you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You

have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached

orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my ?10, but I'm not an idiot, I

won't do it! You have to be crazy to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,

and then do those other things ..'

'Your call,' says the barman, 'but your money stays in the jar.'

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he

asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps.

Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon

the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the man screaming, the pit bull yelping

and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back

into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over

his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'

 

[Deleted member 13648]

My life.

 

[Kiko_97]

Italy was Hungary, eat Turkey, slipped on Greece, shopped at Iceland and got eaten by Wales.

 

[CricketPlayer55]

Originnaly Posted by Giggity Giggity
Italy was Hungary, ate(change that) Turkey, slipped on Greece, shopped at Iceland and got eaten by Wales.

LOL!:rtfl

Made this one up...

Turkish people taste like turkey, Welsh people taste like whales, Wellington people taste like Wellington boots, and Greece people taste very greasy and yucky.

 

[Kiko_97]

My boss came up to me and said "Here's your weekly celery"
I said, "I thought I got paid in money not vegetables"

 

[CricketPlayer55]

Was that true?

 

[cric_craze]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees it's filled to the brim with ?10 notes.

He estimates there must be thousands of pounds in it.


He approaches the barman and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

'Well, you pay ?10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him

the ?10 and the barman drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the barman says. 'Here's what you have to do .......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole

thing, all at once ... And you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You

have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached

orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my ?10, but I'm not an idiot, I

won't do it! You have to be crazy to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,

and then do those other things ..'

'Your call,' says the barman, 'but your money stays in the jar.'

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he

asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps.

Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon

the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the man screaming, the pit bull yelping

and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back

into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over

his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'

lol..........

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Was that true?

He doesnt have a boss...hes your age

 

[SciD]

Was that true?

Yeah he used to give him Biscuit instead.

 

[Cricketdude]

Was that true?

You have to be at least 14 and 9 months to work.