The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
Kev
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2004
- Online Cricket Games Owned
Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.
'Sixpence,' says the pharmacist.
'How much for a new one?'
'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and with his kilt swinging, marches out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
'The regiment has taken a vote,' says the Scot. 'We'll have a new one.'
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.
'Sixpence,' says the pharmacist.
'How much for a new one?'
'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and with his kilt swinging, marches out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
'The regiment has taken a vote,' says the Scot. 'We'll have a new one.'
Will_NA
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2006
- Online Cricket Games Owned
BBC News reports an Asian woman has been kidnapped. She was identified as missingh.
Britney Spears has converted to Sikhism. She'll therefore be changing her name. As of the 1st of Ausgust, she'll be singhing.
My family have relocated to Southall. We're now living behind the Alleys.
I'm 'ere all week!
Britney Spears has converted to Sikhism. She'll therefore be changing her name. As of the 1st of Ausgust, she'll be singhing.
My family have relocated to Southall. We're now living behind the Alleys.
I'm 'ere all week!
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
____
When the woman says:
"This House is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff are all on the floor
you will be without clothes
if you don't wash them now!"
the male ear only understands:
bla, bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, bla, now!
_____
An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at a hospital. He turns up two days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "where is your sample?". He says "sorry but I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with both hands, then her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out, then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just couldn't get the bloody lid off".
:cool:
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
____
When the woman says:
"This House is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff are all on the floor
you will be without clothes
if you don't wash them now!"
the male ear only understands:
bla, bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, bla, now!
_____
An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at a hospital. He turns up two days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "where is your sample?". He says "sorry but I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with both hands, then her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out, then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just couldn't get the bloody lid off".
:cool:
Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
Lol...Loved the 2nd and 3rd ones
Cricketman
ICC Chairman
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2005
- Location
- USA
Third one was class :cool:
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
LMAO! I liked them all but number 3 was fantastic 
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'This is a raid! Everyone get on the floor!' then proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a have-a-go hero accosts him and yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The unmasked robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse...
He shouts 'This is a raid! Everyone get on the floor!' then proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a have-a-go hero accosts him and yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The unmasked robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse...
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up then father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.
"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
:cool:
-----------------------------
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.'At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up then father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.
"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
:cool:
-----------------------------
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.'At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Last edited:
Cricketdude
Chairman of Selectors
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
lol those last 3 jokes were class. I saw the first one on family guy too, hilarious!
A priest sees little johnny walking past with one hand in his pocket, and the other holding a loaf of bread. The priest thought it would be a good chance to teach him something from the bible.
"Ah Johnny, I see you have the staff of life in your hand, what do you have in the other?" The priest said.
"A loaf of bread father" replied Johnny.
___
An essay should be like a lady's dress; long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep interest.
___
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
That guy deserves a medal ^^
___
What gets longer when pulled,
Fits between boobs,
Inserts neatly in a hole,
And works best when jerked?
A SEAT BELT
"Ah Johnny, I see you have the staff of life in your hand, what do you have in the other?" The priest said.
"A loaf of bread father" replied Johnny.
___
An essay should be like a lady's dress; long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep interest.
___
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
That guy deserves a medal ^^
___
What gets longer when pulled,
Fits between boobs,
Inserts neatly in a hole,
And works best when jerked?
A SEAT BELT
