The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
metallics2006
International Coach
- Joined
- May 15, 2005
- Location
- Chennai
A couple were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. The husband was 60 yrs old and the wife was 50. A fairy suddenly appeared and told the couple that she would grant them one wish. The husband took that wish and told the fairy, "I want a wife who is thirty years younger than me!" And POOF!!! The husband turns 90.
EDIT : Forgot to add the sarcasm smily and cant find it now !!!
EDIT : Forgot to add the sarcasm smily and cant find it now !!!
Last edited:
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Shine a torch into her ear...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Quote'samm'mm:..
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
(why...a duh!)
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
(ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
(aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
(now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
(hmmm...I think I'll test this one out on my nephews
....
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
(why...a duh!)
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
(ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
(aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
(now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
(hmmm...I think I'll test this one out on my nephews
....There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Last edited:
Malcovin has copied from this site : http://www.the-jokes.com/shjokes.php?id=Buscar&start=yes&sel_clasif=a&sel_categoria=tcat
Amiya
Panel of Selectors
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2008
- Location
- Bangalore, India
Great find Akash... Lol maclovin
well u cant expcet me to write these jokes and actully no i didnt find this jokes from there. i founded it in other forum and copied and pasted here
MacLovin added 5 Minutes and 5 Seconds later...
"YOU WANA TALK ABOUT MAMMA!!! OKAYY"
YO MAMA JOKES HAS BEEN REMOVED BY ME!
[youtube]
Last edited by a moderator:
mattfb
Chairman of Selectors
plus there not funny.
Kshitiz_Indian
Executive member
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2006
- Location
- New Delhi, India
Some class ones there Mac! 
Here's one.
Three men were taken to a court for a rape case. When the woman entered the court, all three shouted -
Here's one.
Three men were taken to a court for a rape case. When the woman entered the court, all three shouted -
She was the bit**!!!
