The Jokes Thread

[Cricketdude]

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.

"I stepped on a rake."

 

[PhilD123]

Rangers announce new sponsor, Easyjet...








In and out of Europe in 3 hours.

 

[Covvy]

LOL here are some funny AFL quotes.




I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” - (Shane Wakelin)

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood)


“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies)


“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)


“Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.” (Dermott Brereton)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body”. (Luke Darcy)


“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.” (Adrian Anderson)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Andrew Demetriou)

“I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better.” (Dermott Brereton)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” (Dermott Brereton)

 

[mattfb]

rofl some funny comments there.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Lol:laugh Some really funny comments there...

 

[India2011]

Three people were captured by terrorists and set to be executed for no apparent reason.

The first person walks up. The exicutioner gets ready to shoot. He says "Ready, aim . . ." But suddenly, the man yells "tornado!" The exicutioner turns his head and the man runs away.

The second person is about to be executed. The exicutioner says "ready, aim . . ."

"Hurricane!" yells the man. The terrorist turns his head, and the man runs away.

The third man is about ot be executed. The executioner says, "Ready, aim . . ."

"Fire!" yells the man . . .

 

[Niv]

No Dennis Cometti? His metaphors are worse than my singing skills.

 

[Kiko_97]

journalists have found out why the Brazilian national football team are underperforming,
their crest is coded, Can't Be F****d.

 

[Cricketdude]

journalists have found out why the Brazilian national football team are underperforming,
their crest is coded, Can't Be F****d.

That did nothing to help my face expression. By the end of that post it looked sort of like the ones you get in science.

 

[PhilD123]

Did you hear about the two boys arrested for stealing fireworks and a battery?...










...One was charged, the other was let off


---------------
MSN for a more risque joke.

 

[metallics2006]

MACINTOSH Expansion:

Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs

::cool:

 

[Spinksy]

Q: How do you stop a baby crawling around in circles?

A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.

 

[McLOVIN]

Real 911 calls

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

[KBC]

Lol!! Ccllaass--..:d..

 

[Karachi Xpress]

LOl...the last were awesome:laugh