The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
CricketPlayer55
International Coach
What do you call the opposite of a falsetto?
A truesetto :O
tbh this is not funny.
Moon-UP TOP
School Cricketer
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2009
- Online Cricket Games Owned
A Christmas Poem
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
Cricketdude
Chairman of Selectors
An Irishman sees a headline in the newspaper: "Three Hundred Jobs In Jeopardy". So he runs to the train station, goes to the ticket office, and says "Give me a first class ticket to Jeopardy!"
No joy, obviously. He keeps scanning the paper and a week later he's leafing through the job section (he's getting the hang of it now) and sees "Tree Fellers Wanted". The next day he turns up with two of his mates and asks what the job is.
So he's hired, and the foreman says "We need you to cut down a hundred trees a day" and hands our man a chainsaw. He goes off, and at the end of the day he's cut down 97 trees. The foreman says it's OK, our man just needs some practice.
The next day he cuts down 98 trees. The foreman is a little bit exasperated, looks at our man a bit funny, but let's him carry on.
The day after he cuts down 99 trees. The foreman starts shouting. "Look! it's bloody easy! Everyone ese is managing 120 trees a day! I'll show you." He wanders over to the trees and starts up the chainsaw. Brrrreeeermmmmm! The Irishman jumps back and says:
"What the hell's that noise!"
AND
This burly irishman is sitting at a bar relaxing and having his drink. This tiny gay man pulls up to the stool next to him. After a few drinks the tiny gay man leans over to the Irishman and says, "I want to give you a bl*wjob."
Hearing this the Irishman goes crazy, stands up punches the tiny man, picks him up and throws him out of the bar. He returns to his stool and the bartender asks the Irishman what the hell just happened. He says, "I don't know, something about a job."
No joy, obviously. He keeps scanning the paper and a week later he's leafing through the job section (he's getting the hang of it now) and sees "Tree Fellers Wanted". The next day he turns up with two of his mates and asks what the job is.
So he's hired, and the foreman says "We need you to cut down a hundred trees a day" and hands our man a chainsaw. He goes off, and at the end of the day he's cut down 97 trees. The foreman says it's OK, our man just needs some practice.
The next day he cuts down 98 trees. The foreman is a little bit exasperated, looks at our man a bit funny, but let's him carry on.
The day after he cuts down 99 trees. The foreman starts shouting. "Look! it's bloody easy! Everyone ese is managing 120 trees a day! I'll show you." He wanders over to the trees and starts up the chainsaw. Brrrreeeermmmmm! The Irishman jumps back and says:
"What the hell's that noise!"
AND
This burly irishman is sitting at a bar relaxing and having his drink. This tiny gay man pulls up to the stool next to him. After a few drinks the tiny gay man leans over to the Irishman and says, "I want to give you a bl*wjob."
Hearing this the Irishman goes crazy, stands up punches the tiny man, picks him up and throws him out of the bar. He returns to his stool and the bartender asks the Irishman what the hell just happened. He says, "I don't know, something about a job."
Last edited:
Soo!! Haha! The first one's awesome!
Moon-UP TOP
School Cricketer
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2009
- Online Cricket Games Owned
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "fearsome tweak IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and fearsome tweak it while I get my cock and spank it"
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "fearsome tweak IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and fearsome tweak it while I get my cock and spank it"
CricketPlayer55
International Coach
Q: What has two ears and one eye, two feet and 1,200 heads, one belly, one back, one pair of hands and arms and one neck?
(Answer Below)
A one-eyed garlic seller with 1,200 heads of garlic to sell.
(Answer Below)
A one-eyed garlic seller with 1,200 heads of garlic to sell.
GOD's LION
School Cricketer
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2009
- Online Cricket Games Owned
HA HA HA HA HA really good one joke
Themer
Chairman of Selectors
A 14 year old boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned.
"Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,
"I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned.
"Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,
"I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
