The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
CHILD NAMES
There were a few mothers attending a small seminar with a psychiatrist who claimed to know what their obsessions were judging by the names they gave their children.
He asked the first mother what he named her daughter and she said "Penny". So the doctor tells her she's obviously obsessed with money.
He moves along to the next mother who says she named her daughter "Brandy". So the doctor says she must be obsessed with alcohol.
Suddenly, a mother grabs her son by the arm and gets up, saying "C'mon Dick, let's go."
yogy added 1 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...
100 Pages Of Jokes :happy:happy:happy:happy
yogy added 3 Minutes and 13 Seconds later...
HR PROCESSES
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.
PLEASE REPLY
There were a few mothers attending a small seminar with a psychiatrist who claimed to know what their obsessions were judging by the names they gave their children.
He asked the first mother what he named her daughter and she said "Penny". So the doctor tells her she's obviously obsessed with money.
He moves along to the next mother who says she named her daughter "Brandy". So the doctor says she must be obsessed with alcohol.
Suddenly, a mother grabs her son by the arm and gets up, saying "C'mon Dick, let's go."
yogy added 1 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...
100 Pages Of Jokes :happy:happy:happy:happy
yogy added 3 Minutes and 13 Seconds later...
HR PROCESSES
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.
PLEASE REPLY
Last edited:
Brave Wife Visiting a Dentist
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
_______________________________________________________________________________
SECRET OF STAYING TOGETHER
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
_______________________________________________________________________________
SIGNBOARD IN A GOVERNMENT OFFICE
In the corridor of a government office was a signboard reading “Don’t make a noise.” Someone added the following words: “Otherwise we may wake up.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
_______________________________________________________________________________
SECRET OF STAYING TOGETHER
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
_______________________________________________________________________________
SIGNBOARD IN A GOVERNMENT OFFICE
In the corridor of a government office was a signboard reading “Don’t make a noise.” Someone added the following words: “Otherwise we may wake up.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
POLICE
An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
__________________________________________________
GENIUS
An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer
that he is going to India on business for two weeks
and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need
some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man
hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a
good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The
loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can
I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect
it to be there when I return !!!"
__________________________________________________
GOLDEN URINALS
A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?" she screams. "It's 4 in the morning!"
He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink...but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals...man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful."
"I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"
"Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot."
"You're gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.
The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.
"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!"
The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night...the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...do you?"
The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, "Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone..."
PLEASE REPLY GUYS
An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
__________________________________________________
GENIUS
An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer
that he is going to India on business for two weeks
and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need
some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man
hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a
good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The
loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can
I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect
it to be there when I return !!!"
__________________________________________________
GOLDEN URINALS
A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?" she screams. "It's 4 in the morning!"
He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink...but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals...man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful."
"I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"
"Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot."
"You're gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.
The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.
"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!"
The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night...the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...do you?"
The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, "Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone..."
PLEASE REPLY GUYS
IT'S BEEN A FAST 30 YEARS!
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
__________________________________________________
NO TO CHARITY
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
__________________________________________________
FEW MINUTES PLEASE
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
__________________________________________________
FOOLISH LAWYER
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
__________________________________________________
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some tweaking ice cream."
yogy added 1 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...
see the jokes at the top of this page.
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
__________________________________________________
NO TO CHARITY
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
__________________________________________________
FEW MINUTES PLEASE
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
__________________________________________________
FOOLISH LAWYER
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
__________________________________________________
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some tweaking ice cream."
yogy added 1 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...
see the jokes at the top of this page.
MONKEYS
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
After that, they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
__________________________________________________
Why Newton committed Suicide???
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Hindi movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.
In the movie of Amithab Bachchan, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes
1) Amithab Bachchan has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Amithab Bachchan is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Amithab Bachchan!
2) In another movie, Amithab Bachchan is confronted with 3 gangsters. Amithab Bachchan has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Amithab Bachchan is chased by a gangster.. Amithab Bachchan has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Amithab Bachchan opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun....Bang.. .the gangster dies...
This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.
The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!
The 'climax' finally arrives. Amithab Bachchan gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Amithab Bachchan can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Amithab Bachchan has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)
Amithab Bachchan suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air.The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton Commits Suicide!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
__________________________________________________
INTERVIEW
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS
OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWOVER, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?
OFFICER : MP !!!
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?
OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
After that, they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
__________________________________________________
Why Newton committed Suicide???
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Hindi movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.
In the movie of Amithab Bachchan, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes
1) Amithab Bachchan has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Amithab Bachchan is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Amithab Bachchan!
2) In another movie, Amithab Bachchan is confronted with 3 gangsters. Amithab Bachchan has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Amithab Bachchan is chased by a gangster.. Amithab Bachchan has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Amithab Bachchan opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun....Bang.. .the gangster dies...
This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.
The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!
The 'climax' finally arrives. Amithab Bachchan gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Amithab Bachchan can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Amithab Bachchan has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)
Amithab Bachchan suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air.The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton Commits Suicide!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
__________________________________________________
INTERVIEW
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS
OFFICER : WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWOVER, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?
OFFICER : MP !!!
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?
OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE
TALKING PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
__________________________________________________
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
__________________________________________________
SAFE DRIVER AWARD
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
__________________________________________________
No Answers to such Questions
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand andGeorge asks him what his name is.
'Billy.'
'And what is your question, Billy?
'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
'Steve'
'And what is your question, Steve?'
'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?'
__________________________________________________
At The Right Address
Mr. Laloo Prasad Yadav was sitting with his Ministers examining mail.
Suddenly Mr. Laloo cried out: "Look at this letter! It is addressed to the stupidest man in Bihar".
His minister tried to calm him by saying: "How dare a man address such a letter to you?".
Mr. Laloo replied sadly: "This does not bothers me, but why did the postman deliver it at the right address."
__________________________________________________
What will you do?
Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.
Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?
Scroll down for answer...
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
//
/
/
/
Sing a Happy Birthday song and the Lion blows the candle.
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
__________________________________________________
No Answers to such Questions
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand andGeorge asks him what his name is.
'Billy.'
'And what is your question, Billy?
'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
'Steve'
'And what is your question, Steve?'
'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?'
__________________________________________________
At The Right Address
Mr. Laloo Prasad Yadav was sitting with his Ministers examining mail.
Suddenly Mr. Laloo cried out: "Look at this letter! It is addressed to the stupidest man in Bihar".
His minister tried to calm him by saying: "How dare a man address such a letter to you?".
Mr. Laloo replied sadly: "This does not bothers me, but why did the postman deliver it at the right address."
__________________________________________________
What will you do?
Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.
Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?
Scroll down for answer...
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
//
/
/
/
Sing a Happy Birthday song and the Lion blows the candle.
Jack's Phone Number
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: Im sorry, sir, I don't understand.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
__________________________________________________
Cricket World Cup Final
A man has 2 tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final,
the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with
me,but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to
together since we got married."
"Oh , I'm sorry to hear that...that's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: Im sorry, sir, I don't understand.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
__________________________________________________
Cricket World Cup Final
A man has 2 tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final,
the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with
me,but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to
together since we got married."
"Oh , I'm sorry to hear that...that's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
cnbd_novice
International Coach
Dude, stop posting double/triple/quadruple posts! Choose your best "jokes", and post them here ? rather than just gathering as many jokes as you can find and then pasting them here, in the form of repeated posts. I'm really sorry to sound so rude, Yogy, but that's really taking off my appetite to visit to this thread.
And Niv, I didn't post here to get points.
On that note though, let's get back on topic.
A newlywed bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will just have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarette but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lies back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says once more, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!"
Limply turning his head, the husband yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY?!"
And another one just for the heck of it:
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well, I don't really know. You should pray to God and ask him about that." So that night he did just that, and God replies to him, "You are what you are."
The next day he goes back and says to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, 'You are what you are'." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes then, or else God would have said, 'Yo is what yo is'."
And Niv, I didn't post here to get points.
On that note though, let's get back on topic.
_________________________________________________
A newlywed bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will just have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarette but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lies back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says once more, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!"
Limply turning his head, the husband yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY?!"
---
And another one just for the heck of it:
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well, I don't really know. You should pray to God and ask him about that." So that night he did just that, and God replies to him, "You are what you are."
The next day he goes back and says to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, 'You are what you are'." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes then, or else God would have said, 'Yo is what yo is'."
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