The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
ONE LINERS
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
______________________________________________________________________________
LOVE LETTER
A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.
My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(a)10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose
9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.
If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom.
If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly awaiting your reply..
Love,
Aakash
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
2) If a girls laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?
(a) Yes
(b) No
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside..... right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a)Yes
(b) No
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it
true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you.
If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.
Hope everything is clear to you.
Reshma
Waiting for your replies.
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
______________________________________________________________________________
LOVE LETTER
A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.
My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(a)10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose
9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.
If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom.
If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly awaiting your reply..
Love,
Aakash
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
2) If a girls laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?
(a) Yes
(b) No
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside..... right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a)Yes
(b) No
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it
true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you.
If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.
Hope everything is clear to you.
Reshma
Waiting for your replies.
Last edited:
Now I have 7 points.
yogy added 26 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...
KING is Great
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
yogy added 3 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...
______________________________________________________________________________
Dont Laugh
1) Arrested For Laughing:
This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing…… She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick’.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’
The case was dismissed!
Best joke I've heard from you yet Yogy!
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby.
The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event.
Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
@ Niv
Tell me how many more points do I need to win?
One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby.
The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event.
Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
@ Niv
Tell me how many more points do I need to win?
MIDNIGHT WALK
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name
_________________________________________________________________
Types Of Cows
If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
yogy added 2 Minutes and 11 Seconds later...
CAREER CHOICE
An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name
_________________________________________________________________
Types Of Cows
If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
yogy added 2 Minutes and 11 Seconds later...
CAREER CHOICE
An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
FLAGS TELL INFORMATION ABOUT TAXES
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
