The Jokes Thread

[Yogy]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.


"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."


And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.


The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.



She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.


The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"



The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."


So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.



The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."


The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

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Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.

yogy added 5 Minutes and 13 Seconds later...

15 Years Ago


A program was..... a television show

An application was.... for employment

Windows were..... something you hated to clean

A keyboard was.... a piano

Memory was.... something you lost with age

A CD was... a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut you did with scissors

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!!!

SURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED!

yogy added 2 Minutes and 54 Seconds later...

Indian, Pakistani in Saudi Arabia

A Pakistani was sitting with an Indian and Malaysianin Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a
sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. But, as it was a nationalholiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "I allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10
lashes before the whip went through again. Sheikh turned to Pakistani and said: "You are from a brother country, so you can have 2 wishes!"

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Pakistani replies.

"My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Indian to my back", the Pakistani answers.

yogy added 5 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...

Conversation between Bill Gates and our very own Laloo of Bihar

Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance
concept.

Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our
house.

Gates(Confused) : Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are
sleeping
under the net.

Gates: By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.

Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.

Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a
lot
about RAM and ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly
available in
A.P..

Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system
crashes.
Laloo: I have exhuasted all my leave.

Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.

Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing).
"Windows is restarting.Please wait........ ....."

 

[KBC]

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...

.....Tech Support calls "You" for help.
.....Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
.....You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
.....You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
.....you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
.....you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"
.....you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
.....you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
.....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
.....when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
.....you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
.....you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's.
.....you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
.....you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
.....you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
.....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one

.....you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
.....you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved
....you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
....you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)
....your buddy list has over 100 people on it
....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
....you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on
....you don't know where the time has gone
....you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
....your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
....you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
....you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
....when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***
....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"
....you type faster than you think
....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
...you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
....you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
...you've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers
....you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
...you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
...you go seriously mad when you've got in with a friend and the current's gone!...

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Oh dear god, this really is the bottom of the barrell >.<

Indeed it is. I think this thread has exhausted every half decent joke on the planet. Well, the clean ones anyways.

 

[Kiko_97]

LOL@KBC'S
Great joke KBC. I am still loling now.

 

[PhilD123]

Indeed it is. I think this thread has exhausted every half decent joke on the planet. Well, the clean ones anyways.

Agreed. You have to wonder what makes some people laugh if some of the posted ones are "jokes".

 

[Yogy]

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES

OK read the English meaning and then "OUT LOUD" say the Chinese words...

(You MUST read them out loud or it doesn't make as much sense)...

1) That's not right.................................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.......................................... Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man............................................. Dum Fuk

5) Small horse........................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?....................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table........... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here.............................. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15) Great............................................. ..... Fa Kin Su Pah

yogy added 9 Minutes and 27 Seconds later...

MODERN WIVES

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech; "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine ."No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!! "And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.







"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"

yogy added 2 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...

WHY KIDS FAIL IN EXAMS

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
has 365' days. s

Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days
left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to
study.Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing
properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!

Balance = 0

"Then how can a student pass ??"

yogy added 4 Minutes and 47 Seconds later...

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020


Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much
will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,
Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also

diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints...

yogy added 1 Minutes and 4 Seconds later...

i knew a girl so stupid she.......


- she called me to get my phone number.

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

- she tried to drown a fish.

- she thought a quarterback was a refund.

- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.

- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

- she tripped over a cordless phone.

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here"...she put Sagittarius."

- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

- she studied for a blood test.

- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

- she sold the car for gas money.

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16
friends.

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she
turned around and went home.

yogy added 2 Minutes and 44 Seconds later...

never Try to cheat a women


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"



You'll love the answer....
*.
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

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yogy added 2 Minutes and 26 Seconds later...

George Bush & Abdul Kalam

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He
Asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to
Surround him with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the
right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,
please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"


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- Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir!"


"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.


He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"


Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"


Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice
to the test.


Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."


"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"


Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.


Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over
the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.


Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.


"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister.


Who is it?"


Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."


Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's


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our Colin Powell !"


And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's


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Manmohan Singh!"​

yogy added 2 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...

Why The Call Centre Guys R Paid So Much


PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer "Ok."



Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

3).Customer: : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer:: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

4).Customer: : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

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5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer:: "A white one."

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7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

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8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

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9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

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10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

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11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

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12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

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13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

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14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

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15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support:: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

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16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Letme know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

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17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True Women

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[Leggie]

The chinese one is the best...

 

[Yogy]

The chinese one is the best...

You liked only 1 joke?
anyway,thanks for your reply.:cool:

 

[Leggie]

You liked only 1 joke?
anyway,thanks for your reply.:cool:

No, I like all of them
Thats why I said that the Chinese one is the best, meaning better than all the others...even though they are good too.

 

[Niv]

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...


.....You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
....you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
.

I'll take those as one joke KB

Indeed it is. I think this thread has exhausted every half decent joke on the planet. Well, the clean ones anyways.

Nah mate, I'm still reading funny original jokes on another joke thread bigger than this one.

i knew a girl so stupid she.......

- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

- she studied for a blood test.

I'll take these, once again as a single joke.

Yogy: 6
Zorax: 3
Novice: 1
KB: 1


Just a hint for future jokes, calling my sense of humour 'dark' is a massive understatement :P do your worst! (PM me if its not forum suitable)

 

[Yogy]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.



Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies(a surgical procedure after death which involves the examination of body tissues, often to determine cause of death.) have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Somewhere

yogy added 4 Minutes and 14 Seconds later...

FOR THE CHILD


A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody."

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

 

[Yogy]

FUNNY Question & Answers:

What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!

What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-Pliers

What’s the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters

What happens when the Queen burps?
She issues a royal pardon.

What did Billy say after he learned how to count money?
“It all makes cents now!”

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back to you?
A stick
(They’re all sticks to me!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning
_______________________________________________________-

THE GHOST?


There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain, these two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man`s face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There`s an old guy`s face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "you have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver says, "I don`t know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.
"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"Oh my God! HE`S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain, these two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man`s face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There`s an old guy`s face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "you have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver says, "I don`t know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.
"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"Oh my God! HE`S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?

yogy added 5 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...

LOVE MARRIAGE OR ARRANGED MARRIAGE? WHICH ONE YOU WANT???


Love Marriage
Arranged Marriage
Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set of functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.
Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.


Family system hangs because hardware (called Parents ) is not responding.

Compatible with hardware ( Parents ).
You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.

You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.
Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.

All these features are covered in the SRS (System Req. Specification) as required features.


Love Marriage is like Windows , beautiful n seductive.... Yet one never knows when it will crash....
Arranged Marriage is like Unix ..... boring n colorless... but still extremely reliable n robust.

 

[Kiko_97]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Taken from Hot Fuzz but still funny.

 

[Will_NA]

Change the page! scrolling's a bitch.

 

[Niv]

A quick Irish joke then.

Paddy and Mick walking down the street when they see a sign in a shop window, Suits £5, Trousers £2, Shirts £2.50. Paddy says "we could buy a load of these and make a killing in ireland, i'll do my best talking english accent". They go in and Paddy says "ill have 50 suits, 100 shirts and 50 trousers".. The owner says, "youre from ireland arnt you?", "Yes" says Paddy "how dya know that?", Owner "this is a dry cleaners"