The Jokes Thread

[SciD]

:banana2

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

:laugh

 

[SciD]

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two ****s."

scion_sid added 5 Minutes and 56 Seconds later...

:doh

There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named Dick, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pee jumps around outside.

The teacher returns and yells, "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"

:laugh

scion_sid added 3 Minutes and 50 Seconds later...

:rtfl

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"

:happy

 

[Prithvi]

Doc:- (To a woman) Do you see your hubby's face while sex??
Woman:- Yup
Doc:- How'd it be??
Woman:- So Angry.
Doc:- What..!!

Woman:- yeah, he'll be watching me from window

 

[AbhishekS]

Doc:- (To a woman) Do you see your hubby's face while sex??
Woman:- Yup
Doc:- How'd it be??
Woman:- So Angry.
Doc:- What..!!

Woman:- yeah, he'll be watching me from window

OMG!!! :rtfl
that is the best one I have ever read on this thread

 

[Aditya]

Doc:- (To a woman) Do you see your hubby's face while sex??
Woman:- Yup
Doc:- How'd it be??
Woman:- So Angry.
Doc:- What..!!

Woman:- yeah, he'll be watching me from window

Best one mate keep going.:laugh

 

[Masood]

Doc:- (To a woman) Do you see your hubby's face while sex??
Woman:- Yup
Doc:- How'd it be??
Woman:- So Angry.
Doc:- What..!!

Woman:- yeah, he'll be watching me from window

ha ha ha ha......really good joke dude ......:rtfl:laugh

masood1995 added 8 Minutes and 6 Seconds later...

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

masood1995 added 2 Minutes and 46 Seconds later...

Q. Difference between Girl Friend & Wife ?

A. Girl Friend - Beauty, Wife - Duty.

Girl Friend - Pension, Wife - Tension,

Girl Friend-Yummy, Wife-Dummy,

Girl Friend-Cool, Wife - Fool,

Girl Friend - Fresh Cake, Wife - Earthquake

 

[Aditya]

ha ha ha ha......really good joke dude ......:rtfl:laugh

masood1995 added 8 Minutes and 6 Seconds later...

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

masood1995 added 2 Minutes and 46 Seconds later...

Q. Difference between Girl Friend & Wife ?

A. Girl Friend - Beauty, Wife - Duty.

Girl Friend - Pension, Wife - Tension,

Girl Friend-Yummy, Wife-Dummy,

Girl Friend-Cool, Wife - Fool,

Girl Friend - Fresh Cake, Wife - Earthquake

Good one from you also mate nice jokes.:laugh

 

[Masood]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

 

[Aditya]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

:laugh.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

This line si just lol.

 

[Masood]

ha ha ....yes dude .....:laugh

 

[OffCutters]

A white man, a black man and an Asian man gets kidnapped. The kidnapper goes, 'I`ll let you choose how you`d like to die, Option No.1: Drown Option No.2: Drink Poison Option No.3: Get Killed by an Electrically-powered Head-Slicing machine.'

The white man goes:' I`ll go with the machine,'

The machine doesnt work and the kidnapper lets him go on his merry way.

The black man goes:' I`ll go with the machine as well,'

The machine doesnt work and the kidnapper lets him off as well.

The Asian man then goes:' Hmm.. since the machine doesnt work, i`ll drown.'

:sarcasm No offense, not being racist in any way.

 

[dajesmac]

Here's a joke - The Australian Cricket team!

That's it.

 

[Aditya]

Great one dajesmac,:laugh
Joke on bangladesh cricket team.

ashraful-i am not in form what to do.
mortza-go and practice in nets.
ashraful-unfocunately after winning matches with westindies i think we can win with any team.
mortaza-Youa re wrong westindies team is like kenya these days.
ashraful-so should i go in there team i will be famous for changing team.
mortaza-you are all welcome atleast we can call gayle from there team.:laugh

As they are having recesion we can call gayle in 1 thousand per year.

 

[AbhishekS]

Here's a joke - The Australian Cricket team!

That's it.

this is superb.
Australian Team is a complete JOKE

 

[OffCutters]

I`ve got a better joke-

Shane Watson.