The Jokes Thread

[Cricketdude]

Lol, my friend told it to me.

Cricketdude added 3 Minutes and 41 Seconds later...

Difference between Men & Women

Womans Diary

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. Cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.


















MAN'S DIARY:

Arsenal lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

 

[Jakester1288]

Just been to jb hi fi looking for the game grand theft auto. The sales assistant wanted me to describe it to her. I told her its about a black man driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting whores and evading police. The stupid bitch gave me tiger woods PGA tour 2010.

Classic.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Just been to jb hi fi looking for the game grand theft auto. The sales assistant wanted me to describe it to her. I told her its about a black man driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting whores and evading police. The stupid bitch gave me tiger woods PGA tour 2010.

EPIC :laugh:laugh:laugh

 

[jim555]

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after 3 ho's.

 

[newzolt]

Before marriage and after marriage!

Before Marriage

John : Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane : Do you want me to leave?
John : NO! Dont even think about it.
Jane : Do you love me?
John : Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane : Have you ever cheated on me?
John : NO!Why are you even asking?
Jane : Will you kiss me?
John : Every chance I get!
Jane : Will you hit me?
John : Hell no! Are you crazy?1
Jane : Can I trust you?
John : Yes
Jane : Darling!



After Marriage

Read from the bottom back to the top

 

[nakul]

Before Marriage

John : Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane : Do you want me to leave?
John : NO! Dont even think about it.
Jane : Do you love me?
John : Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane : Have you ever cheated on me?
John : NO!Why are you even asking?
Jane : Will you kiss me?
John : Every chance I get!
Jane : Will you hit me?
John : Hell no! Are you crazy?1
Jane : Can I trust you?
John : Yes
Jane : Darling!



After Marriage

Read from the bottom back to the top

One of the most decent jokes I have recently read.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

A trainee in a big multinational company dialed CEO by mistake & said,

"Hey, send a hot coffee in accounts Dept in 2 min"

CEO shouted: Do you know with whom u are talking?

Trainee: NO

CEO: I am CEO of the Company.

Trainee in the same tone: Do you know with whom you are talking?

CEO: No

Trainee said: Thank God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

& disconnected the phone.

 

[Pranav]

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?"

So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?"

She thinks a bit, "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off her top to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!".....

 

[BKB1991]

Nice one Pranav!!

 

[Master Khan]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."

 

[Annoyingdevil]

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,

"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is ?80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an ?80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!!!"

 

[Leggie]

Haha, that a bad bad joke there Annoyingdevil. :laugh

 

[Aditya]

@Pranav's Joke :laugh

 

[Gaurav_7]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."

LOL,good one.

 

[Annoyingdevil]

A boy goes up to his mother one day and says
"Muuum, is it wrong to have a willy?"
She replies, "Goodness, erm, no, why do you ask that sort of question?"
"Because dads in the bathroom trying to take his off!"



there are 3 boys in detention, one called zip, one called willy, n one called p.
the teacher left the room and said dont move
so zip hid on top of the cupboard
willy hid in the cupboard
and p hid in the corner.
The teacher came back in and said
zip down, willy out p in the corner!

Annoyingdevil added 5 Minutes and 55 Seconds later...

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"