The Jokes Thread

[pcfan123]

Who is Banta?

The Computer jokes were beyond painful, almost as If someone who does not understand English well is trying to write jokes in English.

 

[Leggie]

He is like the Indian version of Blondes.

 

[TheGreemSim]

Yep, sure rings a bell......

Funniest post in the thread. So cheesy but so good :laugh

One day little Jenny came home from school, and said to her
mother, "Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that
I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible Jenny dear! I'm going
to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was
it that you didn't do?"

Little Jenny replied, "My homework."

Also some one liners:

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 

[Pranav]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'.....

 

[D0N]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'.....

LOL :rtfl:rtfl

 

[Dutch]

One of my favourites:

A man wakes up to find a massive gorilla in his apple tree.

What the....? He gets the yellow pages; golf clubs, Gordon Ramsey Strip-a-longs ah.....Gorilla Catchers.

What, you'll be around straight away? Great, see you soon!

A van turns up: Gorrilas-R-Us. A man gets out carrying a great big net, a rifle and in the other hand he is holding the leash of a friggin' wild dog, frothing at the mouth and choking itself on the chain, snarling at the gorilla.

The man from Gorilla's-R-Us looks up in the tree: ooh, its a biggy alright. Now listen mate I am going to need some help. I want you to hold the net and the rifle while I go up in the tree. I will shake the tree roughly. Now, the gorilla will fall out of the tree and the dog is utterly trained to grab that gorilla by the balls the moment it hits the ground and will not let go until I give the command. At that moment you throw the net over the gorilla, I'll come down and do the rest. Okay, got that?

Er, yes I think so...er let me see...er...tree....net...er, dog...yep. I think I have got it...oh one more question. What about the rifle, what do I do with that?

Ah, now sir, if I should fall out of the tree you shoot the dog!


(I remember someone telling me this joke but they forgot to mention the dog so when it came to the punch-line we all stared at him questioningly and asked in chorus: What f8kking dog?)

 

[Pranav]

One day, little Johnny asks his mother, "What kind of bird brings white babies?"

With a grin, his mother replies, "A stork does, dear."

Satisified, little Johnny continues, "What kind of bird brings black babies?"

"A raven, dear."

Confused, little Johnny then asks, "Well, then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"

"What do you think, dear?" asks his mother.

Little Johnny thinks for a minutes, then says, "A swallow!".....

 

[fear_09]

One day, little Johnny asks his mother, "What kind of bird brings white babies?"

With a grin, his mother replies, "A stork does, dear."

Satisified, little Johnny continues, "What kind of bird brings black babies?"

"A raven, dear."

Confused, little Johnny then asks, "Well, then, what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"

"What do you think, dear?" asks his mother.

Little Johnny thinks for a minutes, then says, "A swallow!".....

i didn't get that..:crying

 

[pcfan123]

i didn't get that..:crying

Ask your parents to explain it.

 

[nakul]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'.....

HA ha ha :rtfl :rtfl

 

[jkartik]

Ask your parents to explain it.

you know he might actually ask his parents about this !!!

 

[mattfb]

Urban dictionary it tbh.

 

[blake]

I got the joke, but I didn't really think it was that funny...

 

[Pranav]

A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost 200 bucks, she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"

The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?" "Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me."

He walked into the next room and ordered her to come in and close the door. She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

He said, "Go ahead... take it out."

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "Hello.... MOM?"

 

[McLOVIN]

Brazilian, Argentine, American Girls


Brazilian: “Where are you from?”
Argentine: *Crickets*
American: “What do you do?”

Brazilian: Open toe slippers with some design
Argentine: Closed toe
American: Target brand flip flops

Brazilian: Hair length depends on current life stage
Argentine: Has either Argentine Girl Haircut #1 (long, with bangs) or Argentine Girl Haircut #2 (long, without bangs)
American: Short because long hair was “boring” or “too much work”

Brazilian: Makeout within 30 minutes
Argentine: Makeout if you played the game right, if the moon is aligned with Jupiter, and if her friends and little cousins like you
American: Makeout within 90 minutes

Brazilian: Takes off your jeans and boxers
Argentine: Takes off her big earrings
American: Takes off her shoes

Brazilian: She feels comfortable after sex
Argentine: She feels like she just carried out an important life decision after sex
American: She feels like a **** after sex

Brazilian: Clingy
Argentine: Distant
American: Low self-esteem

Brazilian: Gives you head
Argentine: Does not give you head
American: Gives you head if you imply / ask, but secretly hates it

Brazilian: Anal region exploration strongly encouraged
Argentine: Anal regions forbidden
American: Depends on level of intoxication

Brazilian: Has two or three caiprinha’s
Argentine: Has only one drink, the free one that came with her cover charge
American: Stops drinking when she can no longer feel her friends judging her

Brazilian: Knows how to shake and jiggle her entire body
Argentine: Knows how to dance to house music without showing any sexuality
American: Knows how to rub her ass on a man’s erection

Brazilian: Five second marathon eye contact
Argentine: No eye contact
American: Multiple one second eye contacts

Brazilian: Treats you so well you wonder why she likes you that much
Argentine: Treats you like you are that guy on the corner selling hot dogs
American: Treats you like her favorite coworker

Brazilian: Asks you if you are on Orkut
Argentine: Asks you if you are on MSN chat
American: Google’s you the second she finds out your last name. Uses results to judge your long-term relationship potential.

Brazilian: Licks your face
Argentine: Kisses like her parents are watching
American: Sucks your neck

Brazilian: “Dance With Me” by 112
Argentine: “Enjoy The Silence” by Depeche Mode
American: “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile

Brazilian: Most extra fat winds up in ass
Argentine: Borderline anorexic
American: Rolls of meat around waist

Brazilian: “I like you”
Argentine: Pretends she doesn’t like you when she really does
American: “You’re nice”

Brazilian: Likes social drinking with friends
Argentine: Likes people watching with friends
American: Likes watching TV alone at home with tub of ice cream

Brazilian: Ugly tattoos
Argentine: Ugly piercings and ugly sunglasses
American: Ugly sunglasses

Brazilian: “I need to bang that.”
Argentine: “Wow she is really pretty.”
American: “She looks easy.”

Brazilian: Always answers the phone
Argentine: Always responds to text messages
American: Would miss the call from the President of France if he happened to call

Brazilian: If you like emotional girls who want to please you
Argentine: If you like frigid girls who chain smoke and act stupid
American: If you like frigid girls who act stupid






MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 19 Seconds later...

i didn't get that..:crying

there is another meaning for that word

Urban dictionary it tbh.

i am guessing you had to do that?