Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
Not really :S
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
P
pcfan123
Guest
One night, a woman and her butler are in the woman's bedroom. The woman says to the butler, "Spencer, take off my dress." He obliges. They she says, "Spencer, take off my bra." He does. Then she says "Spencer, take off my underwear", so he does as she asks.
The she says"Now Spencer, If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Now that was hilarious
It was for me, it was poorly written and had a hackneyed punchline. To each their own I suppose.
BKB1991
Panel of Selectors
A Girl's T-shirt had a picture of a car mirror on it
Guess, What was written on it?
-----------------------------------
Husband: Yesterday a Girl came in my dream. Wah! What a girl she was...
Wife: She must be alone.
Husband: How do you know?
Wife: Her husband came in my dream......
-----------------------------------
Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife,
but accidently called the cricket stadium. He asks, Hows the situation?
He was shocked nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, Its fine. 3 are out,hope to get another 7 out by lunch.
-----------------------------------
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
------------------------------------------
An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
----------------------------------------------
Announcement in a college:
Students who have parked their vehicles in the front of the gate please move their vehicles to the parking area!!
after 30 minutes another announcement
THE' 400' students who went to move '10' 'vehicles please come back to the class
------------------------------------------
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."
The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
------------------------------------------
Job Interview
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-------------------------------------------------------
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then youre not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I cant kill my wife."
The agent replies "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
------------------------------------------------------
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "fearsome tweak him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
--------------------------------------------------
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
------------------------------------------------------
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
-------------------------------------------------------
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"
-------------------------------------------------
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"
Guess, What was written on it?
Objects behind the Mirror are larger than they Appear
-----------------------------------
Husband: Yesterday a Girl came in my dream. Wah! What a girl she was...
Wife: She must be alone.
Husband: How do you know?
Wife: Her husband came in my dream......
-----------------------------------
Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife,
but accidently called the cricket stadium. He asks, Hows the situation?
He was shocked nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, Its fine. 3 are out,hope to get another 7 out by lunch.
-----------------------------------
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
------------------------------------------
An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
----------------------------------------------
Announcement in a college:
Students who have parked their vehicles in the front of the gate please move their vehicles to the parking area!!
after 30 minutes another announcement
THE' 400' students who went to move '10' 'vehicles please come back to the class
------------------------------------------
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."
The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
------------------------------------------
Job Interview
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-------------------------------------------------------
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then youre not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I cant kill my wife."
The agent replies "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
------------------------------------------------------
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "fearsome tweak him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
--------------------------------------------------
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
------------------------------------------------------
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
-------------------------------------------------------
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"
-------------------------------------------------
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"
AkshayS
Chairman of Selectors
^
:rtfl
nice ones.
You could have posted less and posted the remaining again, It would be easier to read them.
:rtflnice ones.
You could have posted less and posted the remaining again, It would be easier to read them.
Varun
ICC Board Member
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2009
- Location
- Delhi, India
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
Nice jokes...
blazerix
County Cricketer
Jokes.
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so upset I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another ONE!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little
steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this
gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW,
this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well,
a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde
leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was
happening! I managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!"
"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says 'Oh my gosh, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'"
So I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured
he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed
the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS
praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says, "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get he door open and he yells out, 'Who
you been sleeping with now, bitch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room.
I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed
and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh crap,
I'm dead meat now'. But the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden
the bastard pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on
top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp
and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for SURE."
"No, that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut
over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I
can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so UPSET."
"No, that WASN'T what really ticked me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally ticked you off?"
"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY
ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they
came to a homeless person. The
Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to
come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another
homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless
person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached
into the
Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has acork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No ████."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em attacking this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago.
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so upset I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another ONE!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little
steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this
gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW,
this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well,
a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde
leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was
happening! I managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!"
"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says 'Oh my gosh, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'"
So I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured
he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed
the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS
praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says, "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get he door open and he yells out, 'Who
you been sleeping with now, bitch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room.
I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed
and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh crap,
I'm dead meat now'. But the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden
the bastard pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on
top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp
and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for SURE."
"No, that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut
over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I
can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so UPSET."
"No, that WASN'T what really ticked me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally ticked you off?"
"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY
ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they
came to a homeless person. The
Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to
come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another
homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless
person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached
into the
Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has acork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No ████."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em attacking this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago.
Last edited:
P
pcfan123
Guest
Love the Republican joke Nick :rtfl
thedon5
Panel of Selectors
The first one and last ones are really good. The last is a little predictable, but still good :laugh .
drainpipe32
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2008
- Online Cricket Games Owned
Haha, great stuff!
I don't get Republican one, but the others were great!
I don't get Republican one, but the others were great!
blazerix
County Cricketer
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations", he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: ████!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord? " she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no " he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? " she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't " breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do? " "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message " she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room. "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the " night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack. "The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person. "He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist! "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No... He's left handed
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Build an Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark. " Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark? " asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years. " Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth? " "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money ", he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United
States Congressman! "
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money. "
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations", he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: ████!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord? " she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no " he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? " she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't " breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do? " "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message " she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room. "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the " night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack. "The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person. "He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist! "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No... He's left handed
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Build an Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark. " Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark? " asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years. " Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth? " "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money ", he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United
States Congressman! "
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money. "
P
pcfan123
Guest
:rtfl:rtfl
Karachi Xpress
Chairman of Selectors
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
- Location
- Canada
:rtfl:rtfl :laugh:laugh:laugh:laugh
blazerix
County Cricketer
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto ".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well ".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in order??? ".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son? " he asked.
"You'll never believe it! " Billy said.
"I was responsible for the winning run! "
"Really? How'd you do that? "
"I dropped the ball. "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face. " So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say? " "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke. "
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you. " While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too. "
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe s and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on? " he asked. "This enmity between our peoples. this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto ".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well ".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in order??? ".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son? " he asked.
"You'll never believe it! " Billy said.
"I was responsible for the winning run! "
"Really? How'd you do that? "
"I dropped the ball. "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face. " So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say? " "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke. "
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you. " While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too. "
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe s and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on? " he asked. "This enmity between our peoples. this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P
pcfan123
Guest
Wow nick youve been on fire recently! Deffo telling those at my office Monday 
