The Jokes Thread

[sami ullah khan]

^Unless you have a load of spare bed sheets

 

[Meet]

A celebrity is someone who works hard his whole to become famous and then wears dark glasses to avoid his identity.

 

[Dutch]

Well a few real crackers there...anyway here is my trivial little contribution.....a longs story but apparently very true.....the swear words have been conservatively blackened out but they rhyme with smothertucker and glassmole and stickbed for example.....

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an ███████!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '███████' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an ███████!'
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '███████' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ███████!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ███████ (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW ███████, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an ███████!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called ███████ #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an ███████!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, '███████, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ███████,' and hung up.

Then I called ███████ #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, ███████,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, ███████, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

 

[King Cricket]

Fantastic, Dutch. That's one of the most hilarious joke I've heard. Can't stop the laughing fit, lol!

 

[sami ullah khan]

Its more like a very nice story.

 

[Bevab]

Haha, brilliant. That was epic.

 

[thedon5]

Haha, top class stuff.

 

[Gurjot95]

Wow, ROFL. Still Laughing Hard

 

[Dutch]

Its more like a very nice story.

Well if you could point me to the "a very nice story" thread I would be much obliged.....

 

[Meet]

Hilarious stuff!

 

[Haarithan]

Haha brilliant one there .

 

[simsanta123]

Legendary .

 

[Varun]

That was surely funny.

 

[AkshayS]

Brilliant, LMAO.

 

[pcfan123]

I want to slap the Jesus out of these one line appreciation posts


do you guys just parrot out phrases you read on this forum? Not everything is legend or brilliant or epic, you devalue the terms by using them as if they are going out of style.

How about some of you contribute a joke instead of play Yes man to whoever actually posts one.