The Jokes Thread

[Zidanes]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

----------

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

[Gaurav_7]

http://www.planetcricket.org/forums/members/khaleel/hamza2000/

The Great Hamza

 

[shravi]

Hamza: between are you on facebook
Khaleel: ya...add me on __________________. and its 'by the way' bro,not 'between'..
Hamza: i know its by the way but i write between

Rebel without a cause.

 

[Zidanes]

http://www.planetcricket.org/forums/members/khaleel/hamza2000/

The Great Hamza

lol, one of the best jokes around.

 

[Themer]

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

 

[Gurjot95]

Boy and girl just had sex.
Girl: Ever met someone as hot as me in bed? ;p
Boy: Uhmm...Yeah just the one. Girl: Ohh...
Boy: Yeah she's got the same hair color.
Girl: ...
Boy: Same surname. Lives at this address. Looks a lot like you! Girl: Awwww...That's so sweet...
Boy: Yeah your mum's awesome.

Not really funny but that's all I got today. Will post more tomorrow.

 

[Fenil]

I think the sister would have been a better idea.

 

[Themer]

Nah, it'd be pretty sick if he was doing his sister.

 

[Haarithan]

Haha, awesome counter there Jack.

----------

Btw, this is what happened today in my uni bus when 19 of us were playing the game of Mafia. One of them was a NOOB (beginner), and turned out to be a Mafia as detected by the Detective during Night phase. So we were waiting on this guy to give a proper explanation to defend himself. He immediately claimed to be a detective himself (we have 2 detectives in our game). Next we inquired on his results of investigation made during Night 1, and he pointed at a member and claimed that member to be a Mafia.

Spoiler

The guy whom he'd pointed to was, none other than the Moderator of the game himself! Totally redefined noobish-ness with that out-of-the-box claim lol.

 

[thedon5]

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man,? "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your flinging hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

----------

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "what's with the steering wheel down? your pants?" "Aye," says the Irishman, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

 

[Zidanes]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist

 

[The Rock]

Two guys had already posted this one before I did.

 

[thedon5]

Two guys had already posted this one before I did.

I think on average that joke is posted about once every 10 pages.

----------

There is three black roosters sitting on a fence.

A little boy ask his mum how many feet do those three rossters have?

The mother replies 6

How many eyes do the three roosters have?

The mother replies 6

How many beaks do the three roosters have?

The mother replies 3

How many hairs is on? that white cats head sitting by the roosters?

The mother replies i dont know

The son then says "How come you know so much about black cocks and nothing about white pussy"

----------

There was a fly flying six inches over the lake.

At the same time there was a fish in the water that was gonna jump up and eat the fly when it came over.

At the same? time there's a bear thinking that when the fish goes for the fly he's gonna grab the fish and eat it.

At the same time there is a hunter thats gonna drop his sandwich and shoot the bear when it goes for the fish.

But at the same time there's a mouse? thats gonna take the hunters sandwich when the hunter goes to shoot the bear.

And there's a cat who at the same time is thinking he's gonna run over and eat the mouse when it goes for the sandwich.

So this all happens at the same time and the cat ends up falling into the lake.

So what is the moral of this story?

"When the fly goes down six inches the pussy always gets wet"

 

[swacker]

A geeky answer by Dad to son.

"Daddy! How was I born?" , Junior asks his dad:

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

'You've Got Male'!

 

[iridescentt]

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

/thread