The Jokes Thread

[JD10]

Don't know if this one has already been said as it's been the Grand National but...
"If you horse hasn't done as well as you would of liked it to, don't worry West Ham will buy it on loan"

 

[VC the slogger]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare. The man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?
The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that his aunt Susan had died. The father assures his son that Susan is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Aunt Susan dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that his grandfather had died. The father assures the son that grandfather is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, his grandfather dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that his father had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day :-

Spoiler

The next day, the man is scared for his life and he's sure that he's going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good god, dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

 

[VC the slogger]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school, dad. *Robot slaps the son*
Son: Alright, I went to the movies.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Toy Story. *Robot slaps son again*
Son: Okay, it was Day with a Porn Star.
Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps Dad*
Mom: Haha! After all, he's your son. *Robot slaps Mom*

 

[Bevab]

Old one, but quite gold.

 

[kushy28]

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; ?Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

 

[Bevab]

Ah sir, you've impressed me.

 

[AkshayC]

Ah sir, you've impressed me.

Now thats

 

[sami ullah khan]

Kushy a good joke .

 

[kushy28]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
?Living Will?
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 

[AkshayC]

WTF Really !!!

 

[kushy28]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

[BlitzBerg]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

 

[kushy28]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

 

[kashan123999]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Tomgirls/boys

 

[kushy28]

Life is like 'Temple Run. Running all the way to collect coins. To reach no where, and spending those Coins just to Run more efficiently!! :-D:-P