The Jokes Thread

[Sulaiman7]

.

There is this thread for funny pictures and videos.

 

[cricketmad09]

Don't post this here. You can't post that. If I wanted to be bloody nagged at id get a girlfriend.

 

[Sulaiman7]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

 

[Na Maloom Afraad]

Don't click the spoiler, I wrote something bad.

Spoiler

Something Bad

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

A boss saying to his secretary that we
are going abroad for a tour for a
week.
.
The Secretary calls her husband:
"I'm going abroad for one week."
.
Husband calls her girlfriend:
"Wife is going away for a week,
lets enjoy" .
Girlfriend calls her student:
"for a week no class for u".
.
Little boy calls his grandpa:
"I'm free for this week".
.
Grandpa(Boss) calls his secretary:
"Tour cancelled.i'm with my
grandson this week"
.
Secretary calls her husband:
"Tour cancelled".....
.
Husband calls girlfriend:
"Wife is not going so we too can't go"
.
Girlfriend calls boy:
"This week you have class as usual"...
.
Boy calls grandpa:
"Sorry grandpa gotta attend my
class ".
Grandpa calls secretary:
"we are going abroad"...!!
and it goes on & on & on... ;(

 

[Sulaiman7]

Q: What's the difference between your first and second honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.[DOUBLEPOST=1410648005][/DOUBLEPOST]Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"[DOUBLEPOST=1410648062][/DOUBLEPOST]As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[Sulaiman7]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!

 

[Sulaiman7]

This made my day!

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

 

[Na Maloom Afraad]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!

I'm laughing my ass out.

 

[Sulaiman7]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells thebiggest lie.”

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten to the teacher.[DOUBLEPOST=1412211329][/DOUBLEPOST]A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

[Raghuchandra]

Boy: Hey!!
Girl: Hi, What are you doing?

Boy: Texting the most beautiful girl in the world...
Girl: oh! How cute !

Boy: Yes! but she is not replying... so texting you

 

[joejoe018]

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

 

[Harshad gujar]

Exam based on twenty twenty
format!
Cricket has reached exciting levels
with the introduction of twenty
twenty ... Infusing the same thing
into exams.
some suggestions:-
1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and
marks to 50.

2. Introduce strategic break after 30
minutes.

3. Give free hit, that is a chance for
students to frame their own
questions and write answers.

4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is
no invigilator in the exam hall.
(Wow…!!! I will love this....!)

5. Introduce fair play awards.

6.Cheer girls to cheer for every
correct answer written!

 

[joejoe018]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

[joejoe018]

What dog can jump higher than a building?
Anydog, buildings can't jump!