Abhas
Retired Administrator
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2004
- Location
- New Delhi, India
lol...
loved joke no 8....
loved joke no 8....
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter scorpion_rulezz
- Start date
surendar
ICC Chairman
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2006
- Location
- Bentonville, US
- Profile Flag
- India
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - PS3
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Xbox One
1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
surendar
ICC Chairman
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2006
- Location
- Bentonville, US
- Profile Flag
- India
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - PS3
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Xbox One
A Person walks into a hardware store and asks to see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many trees will this one cut in an hour?"
"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour," replied the clerk.
"What about this one?" asked the person. The clerk replied, "That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees."
"And this one?" asked the person. "That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an hour," said the clerk. "I'll take it!" said the person.
Two days later, the same person returns to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only cut three trees in one hour with it!"
The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out."
The clerk pulled on the starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar.
'Hey," said the person, "what's that noise?"
:happy
"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour," replied the clerk.
"What about this one?" asked the person. The clerk replied, "That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees."
"And this one?" asked the person. "That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an hour," said the clerk. "I'll take it!" said the person.
Two days later, the same person returns to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only cut three trees in one hour with it!"
The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out."
The clerk pulled on the starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar.
'Hey," said the person, "what's that noise?"
:happy
Last edited:
surendar
ICC Chairman
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2006
- Location
- Bentonville, US
- Profile Flag
- India
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - PS3
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Steam PC
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - Xbox One
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft....
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00
:happy
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00
:happy 
Bala
International Coach
Out of my old archives!
A wealthy Australian went on a safari in Africa, taking along his faithful
pet Dingo(dog) for company. One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies
and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he
notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts
his attack in mid stride and, as a look of terror comes over him, slinks
away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog
nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dingo sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear he says, "Where the hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Moral: if you can't dazzle them with brilliance then baffle them with bull%$#& !
A wealthy Australian went on a safari in Africa, taking along his faithful
pet Dingo(dog) for company. One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies
and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he
notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts
his attack in mid stride and, as a look of terror comes over him, slinks
away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog
nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dingo sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear he says, "Where the hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Moral: if you can't dazzle them with brilliance then baffle them with bull%$#& !
nightprowler10
Executive member
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Location
- Madhouse on Madison
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - PS3
Found this comic on a blog today. Its funny because its true:
scorpion_rulezz
Club Cricketer
keep them coming 
funny ones there
funny ones there
nightprowler10
Executive member
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Location
- Madhouse on Madison
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - PS3
This was made at the beginning of the Iraq war (read the fine print too):
Why bridge construction takes forever in India?
An Indian politician went to the U.S. to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion and lush grounds and costly furnishings. "But how can you afford all this on a meager senator's salary?" the minister asked. The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "You see that river?"
"Yes."
"You see the bridge over it?"
"Of course," said the minister.
"Ten percent," the senator said smugly.
Some time later, the senator had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to the minister's house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, which glittered with precious art and bustled with hundreds of servants. "But how can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian rupees?" the senator asked, amazed.
The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?"
"Sure," said the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked confused and said, "No, I'm afraid I don't see any bridge."
The minister grinned and said, "One hundred percent."
******************************************************
Some interesting stuff!
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station...What more can I say...
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then,what exactly are the others here for?
- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until you hear them speak.
- How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
An Indian politician went to the U.S. to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion and lush grounds and costly furnishings. "But how can you afford all this on a meager senator's salary?" the minister asked. The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "You see that river?"
"Yes."
"You see the bridge over it?"
"Of course," said the minister.
"Ten percent," the senator said smugly.
Some time later, the senator had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to the minister's house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, which glittered with precious art and bustled with hundreds of servants. "But how can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian rupees?" the senator asked, amazed.
The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?"
"Sure," said the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked confused and said, "No, I'm afraid I don't see any bridge."
The minister grinned and said, "One hundred percent."
******************************************************
Some interesting stuff!
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station...What more can I say...
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then,what exactly are the others here for?
- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until you hear them speak.
- How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
viral1991
International Cricketer
The last jokes are good, but I didn't understand the first one!
The US senator took 10% commission on building the bridge whereas his Indian counterpart gulped down 100%(the total money allocated to bridge building) but the bridge was never built so he had 100% of the money in his pockets!viral1991 said:
nightprowler10
Executive member
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Location
- Madhouse on Madison
- Online Cricket Games Owned
- Don Bradman Cricket 14 - PS3
Sad but true.newzolt said:
banana man
Club Cricketer
really good jokes everyone
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
