The Jokes Thread

[scorpion_rulezz]

Real Funny - My favorite ones are the school jokes

LOL! Thanks for the laugh mate, loved the WATER FORMULA joke.

Nice jokes....The Sep 11 joke was disgusting. Poor taste.

@ fanirama " leave it buddy just enjoy other jokes"

Thanx for ur replies

Here Are Some More....



MUMMY RETURNS



Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?



TEACHERS QUESTION



Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Pupil : A teacher



TEACHER & THE DONKEY



Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

Student: Brotherly love



Fortune Teller

Fortune teller: I can see great disappointment for someone very close to you.

Customer: That's right- I've no money to pay you.



Sun or China

Bob: Which is the farthest, the sun or China?
Rob: China.

Bob: Why?

Rob: Well, you can see the sun, but you can't see China



Watch me eat



Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I cannot imagine, unless it is because you have the plate he usually eats from."



School

Dad: Do you like to go to school ?
Boy: I like to go to school and come back from school, but I hate the bit in the middle...


BOND & THE TELUGU GUY

Once it so happened in a flight that, James Bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy Both were traveling to US.
Telugu Guy: Hello May I know your name please?
James Bond: I am Bond... James Bond....... and you?
Telugu Guy: I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai ... Laxminarayana
Siva Venkata Sai... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...
Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Sitaramanjaneyula
Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Bulusupalli
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...
Bond faints!!!!

FATHER

One day two friends are bragging.
1st friend: My father has great eyes site like eagle, he is very
clever as fox, very brave like the Lion...
2nd friend: This means that I need to buy a ticket to the
Zoo to meet your Father??

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Sun and China
Great Shot

My two favourite ones

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Sun and China
Great Shot

My two favourite ones

its "Wht A Shot" not 'Great Shot' anyway thanx for ur reply :happy

too many Views but minimum Replies

Here is a quick update on Jokes

THE RIGHT STEP

Two drunk, Santa and Banta, were walking along a dirt road one day when they came upon a pile of some brown stuff on the ground.

?Is that s*h*i*t, Banta?? Santa said.

?I don?t really know.? Responded Banta as he bent over, ?it smells like s*h*i*t*....?

Santa leaned in and dipped his finger into the mysterious pile. ?It feels like s*h*i*t* !!!!?

Banta too dipped his finger into the mysterious pile and without hesitation shoved the finger in his mouth. ?Sure tastes like s*h*i*t*, buddy! I think it?s definitely s*h*i*t*.?

?Hooooeee!? Responded Santa, ?Good thing we didn?t step in it!?

POOR SANTA !

Santa and his girlfriend were out driving one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling.
Then she leaned over and whispered in his ear, ?Can you drive using only one hand ??
?I sure can", Santa grinned, thinking his luck was in.
?Good", she said, ?then wipe your nose; it`s running....!!!

SUPERNATURAL

There was this case in the hospital?s Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a worldwide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off evil??.. Just when the clock struck 11? Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner...

 

[borncricketer]

great jokes once again

 

[gold639]

Sun or China

Bob: Which is the farthest, the sun or China?
Rob: China.

Bob: Why?

Rob: Well, you can see the sun, but you can't see China

Thats one of the best jokes I've heard

 

[gamerkid22]

great jokes there now its time for shayari

mere... Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain Aur lonely
hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain...



Shayad mere pyar ko taste Karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya ke PASTE karna bhool gaye..



Tumhare samne hain itney items Kabhi hame bhi pick
karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe Kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK
karo...



Roz subha hum karte hai Itne pyar se unhe good
morning...
Woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain Jaise 0 ERRORS but 5
WARNINGS...



Ho gayi galti humse, Click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!



Tumse mila main kal to, Mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili To kehti ho: Your file not found!



Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif



Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't likeyour face
Par dil ke computer mein, Nahin hai enough disk space



Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, Pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, Ho jaata hai server down



Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, Create main
karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, Wait main karoonga



Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, Main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, Time out ho gaya




Kya chaal hai tumhaari, Jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, Aao karein chat



Tum jabse meri zindagi, mein aayi ho banke female,
Yaad raha na ab kuch, Na postman , Na e-Mail



Joh sadiyaon se hota aaya hai Woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey Ctrl+Alt+Delete kar
doonga...



Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki message Aanna Band Hai.......
Aap hi humse naraz hain ya Web Server band hai.......



Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
Pahle bekaar tha ab S/W Programmer ban gaya hoon



VC aaye to VB mein daal do,
VC aaye to VB mein daal do
seedhe seedhe he sabko museebat mein daal do



Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
Are Tankha milti hai aur timepass ho jata hai..



teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
kabhi offline to kabhi online piya

 

[gold639]

Can you translate that for me mate?

 

[duffarama]

It doesn't mean anything to me...

Yes gamerkid, go ahead and translate it!

 

[fardin]

It doesn't mean anything to me...

Yes gamerkid, go ahead and translate it!

Ah,You shouldnt have picked The french class in School blame your self for not understanding Hindi.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

thanx buddies for ur replies & views...gamerkid thanx for ur contribution but it is better to post most of the jokes in english so tht the most of the members cud understand it properly :happy


Here Are Some MOre !!!

THE VOICE

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.​

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

​

OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY​

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."​

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

ESSAY​

Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER? in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.​

PAKISTANIS ON MOON

3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party, an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani. They boast their country's science achievements. The Russian says: We were the 1st ones in space, the American says, we were the 1st to go to moon, The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be 1st ones on the sun! Both the American and Russian start laughing, and say to the Pakistani, you stupid the sun is too hot, your spaceship will burn b4 it reaches the sun. The Pakistan scientist remains cool and calm, and says: You are stupid. We will go there at night!!!​

​

AN OVERWEIGHT BLONDE ​

​

​

An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.​

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

THE TALKING PARROTS

​

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."​

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're pros*titut*es. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're pros*titut*es, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

​

ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.​

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

​

THREE MEN ON A PLANE​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.​

After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"[/font]

[/font]

 

[gold639]

LOL

Many of those jokes were good.

Excellent work.

But the last few I didn't particulary enjoy

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

LOL

Many of those jokes were good.

Excellent work.

But the last few I didn't particulary enjoy

thanx buddy :cool: but wud u like to tell me which ones so tht i can edit or delete those jokes :

Here Are Some More !!!

POLICE

Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force award . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission. He who captures an adult Lion and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best.
First Scotland Yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up. Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion. Lastly the sardar brigade goes in. 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our sardarjis .The judges give up and decide to search for them . They go into the forest . After some searching , they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree . The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting , "Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion !!!"

SARDARJI PRAYERS

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the temple..................... "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple..................
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord: "SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

BET

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed. "What happened?" asked Surjit. "Friend, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . " "How come ?" "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet." But that's only Rs. 500, where did the rest go?" " Friend !!!, I bet on the highlights too."

LIE DETECTOR

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine

SARDAR & THE CRICKET MATCH

A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Balbir!" He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice-with no success.Then he realized he had lost his place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.After he had purchased his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a coke. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to the window, a voice called out"Hey, Balbir!" Again He tried to find the voice and got out of line as he wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his coke. Finally he had his coke and took his seat eager for the game to begin. As he waited for the first ball, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!" once more. Furious, He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,"My name isn't Balbir !"

SANTA & BANTA

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other. Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?' Banta singh : 'Yes, I have' Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.' Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?' Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.' Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.

 

[DoN]

nice work there mate love your jokes they are unique & quite hilarious

 

[borncricketer]

excellent jokes once again

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

excellent jokes once again

thanx buddy
Here Are Some quick updates on jokes

MIRROR

Santa is traveling by the train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the door, which happens to have a mirror in the front.
He thinks there is someone in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat.
Five minutes later, he goes again, only to find the same man there. An hour passes, he`s made 20 trips to the bathroom only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to Ticket Checke (Our Santa) asked him, "What`s been going on."
Listening to him Santa walks down to the compartment with the troubled Banta to get the man out. A few minutes later, he comes back and tells the sardar "I am sorry, I cannot do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member."

PATIENCE

Santa and Banta decide to go picnicking one day. When they get there, they realize they`ve forgotten the whisky.
Banta says he go and get it if he promises not to eat the chicken till he gets back.
Now, Santa waits and waits till a whole day goes by, when Santa says to himself: Come on, I`m hungry. He is not going to come back so let me eat the chicken anyway.
Suddenly Banta pops up from behind a tree and says: If you do that, I won`t go

Hurts to Touch!

Santa went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts"
The doctor asked Santa to touch his elbow. Santa touched his elbow and winced in genuine pain.
The doctor was surprised and asked Santa to touch his head. Santa touched his head and jumped in agony.
The doctor asked him to touch his knee and the same thing happened. Everywhere Santa touched, it hurt like hell.
The doctor was stumped and ordered an complete examination with X-rays, etc and told Santa to come back after two days.
Santa came back two days later and the doctor said," We have found your problem."
"Oh yes? What is it?" asked Santa.
"You have broken your finger!" replied the doctor.....