The Jokes Thread

[Big_Boss]

ESSAY

Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER? in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.

Politicians !!

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in our Santa`s field. Santa, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
A few days later, local cops came out looking for the missing politicians, saw the crashed bus, and asked Santa where all the politicians had gone.
Santa said, "I buried them all... out back."
Inspector asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
Santa replied, "Well, some of them said they weren`t, but you know how the politicians lie."

These two jokes are from him ~ he tells really funny jokes, he is very famous in Punjab

He's one of the funniest guy you'll every see

Just asking if you listen to him, if you don't you should because you'll laugh and laugh when you will hear him

Heres a Joke:

(Not from Bhagwant Maan)​

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the
chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief

thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time,

before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the
interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

lol
i haven't read the poster's name i search them around & just post it here haven't got much time to read poster's name just search it & post it that's the case with me

 

[borncricketer]

nice funny jokes..just love this thread

 

[gamerkid22]

good jokes there :watchtv :watchtv :watchtv :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl

 

[gold639]

Yeah me too,I love this thread.

Where are you Duff?Sticky this thread.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Thank you borncricketer,gamerkid & gold :happy

i have sent PM to him,To rename & sticky this thread,his last activity was yesterday in the morning !! Hope so that he may come today :

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Here Are Some More !! (Hope You Guys Like Them)


THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS

Q: Why did the King go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.
Q: What do you call a three legged donkey?
A: A wonkey.
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Q: why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.
Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door.
Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema?
A: Pup-corn!
Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class?
A: Hissssstory.
Q: Why do monkeys have big noses?
A: Because they've got big fingers.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: a bulldozer!

WATCH

Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.
So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch.
"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.
The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"

SHARP MINDED OLD MAN

An old man and an experienced lawyer sit next to each other on a plane.
The lawyer asks the old man to play a game. If lawyer asked question that old man didn't know the answer to, he would
have to pay him 5 rupees; And every time the old man asked the lawyer
a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the
old man 50 rupees. So the lawyer asked the old man his first question,
'What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?'
Without a word the old man pays the lawyer 5 rupees.
The old man then asks him,
'What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?'
The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the old man 50 rupees.
Then the lawyer asked old man what the answer was and without a word the old man
gave the lawyer 5 rupees.

Villager Trapped On An Isand

A villager is trapped on an island. He learns how to swim and decides to go swim to shore.
When He was only 1/4 away from shore, he swam back, complaining that he was too tired

Are Caterpillars Good To Eat?

Tom: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Daddy: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mom: Why did you say that, Tom? Why did you ask the question?
Tom (innocently): It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone

No Cavities

One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit. He called out, Hey mother, I have no cavities.
His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised. But she smiled and then frowned knowing the expected. Let me guess, she said, You have not a tooth left

After School Snack

Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
Ans. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

White Hair

One day, Little Maryam was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast to her black hair.
Little Maryam looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
'Why are some of your hairs white, mother?'
Maryam's mother replied, 'Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
Little Maryam thought about this revelation for a while and then asked,
'Mother, how come all of Grandma's hairs are white?

The Young Business Man On The Phone

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Blonde Joke

How did the blonde try to kill the worm?
She buried it alive

SHORT SARDAR JOKES

A sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form, he had gone to DELHI for filling up. U know why? Form says " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".
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A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do u know what the business was? He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.
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Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater. Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!
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A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function. Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
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Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.........WHY? Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light".
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Sardar and his family went for a party. He introduces himself - I'm sardar,she sardarnee, the boy my kid & the girl my kidney....
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One sardarji Professor asked a plumber to come to his college. you know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking..
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Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed,
Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor: I'm unmarried!
At 10th floor: I'm Banta not Santa
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On a romantic date Sardar's girl friend asks him "Darling on our engangement will you give me a ring?
He said "Ya, sure what's your phone number?
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Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.
Sardar:- why did u come so far? Instead you could have posted it....
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Sardar proposed a girl......Girl said: 'I'm 1 yr elder to you'. Sardar said: 'Oye, no problem Soniye, I'll marry you next year.
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A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll you divide, you've 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply next year.
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Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast
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Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says "Chin Yu Yan" and dies. Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words. It is "you're standing on the oxygen tube!!"
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Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Santa : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Santa : Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Santa : Because that proves that I have a brain!
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[borncricketer]

LOlZZZZZZ.....they are so funny

 

[gold639]

Excellent!

Now the thread is a sticky!

And its been renamed to the Jokes Thread

 

[duffarama]

Yeah sorry, I have been busy lately.
Keep on rolling in those jokes folks!

 

[fanirama]

Hahahahahahaha !!

Scorpion rules should be voted the best jokes poster. LOL.
His jokes are terrific man !!!
Well done.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Thanks borncricketer,gold,duff & fanirama for your replies
i will try to post more quality & selective jokes only !!! Hope you Guys will enjoy them,i will update this thread daily so keep in touch with this thread Plenty to come :

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Here Are Some More (Hope You Guys Like Them)

TEA

What tea do footballers drink ?
Penaltea !

MARRIAGE JOKES

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
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You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
& the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
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Umbalo-Gong

Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.
"Greetings! How is it going?" says Santa.
"Wonderful!" says Banta, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"
He points at a palm tree and says, "What is that?"
The natives, in unison, say, "Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "And that?"
The natives again intone, "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see!", says the beaming Banta, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished Santa, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"

Psychic Chat

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"

Medical Opinions

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that,"
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think?"
Then one of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him, "So what do you have?"
And the old man said, "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was wrong."

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap

Quick Blonde Jokes

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom.

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL.

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?>
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it..

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends.

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
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Blonde Selling Car

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

[gamerkid22]

good jokes :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl

 

[gamerkid22]

can someone post some cricket jokes . i think there will be more jokes on the indian team looking at there current performance.