The Jokes Thread

[scorpion_rulezz]

can someone post some cricket jokes . i think there will be more jokes on the indian team looking at there current performance.

Here You Go Buddy (NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE AS THESE ARE JUST JOKES SO DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY )

BEAT

The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody!!!

CALL

Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)
Caller :"Can I talk to Azharuddin Please,I am his friend and calling from Hyderabad."
Indian Team Manager:"Sorry,he went to bat"
Azharuddin's friend:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"

CRICKET DEFINATIONS

-APPEAL - What is left in the fruit bowl after the lunch break.
-BAIL - What a batsman does immediately after getting out cheaply.
-BLOCK HOLE - Cured with a strong Indian curry.
-BOWL - Where APPEAL is kept.
-BYE - Azharuddin's last words.
-CENTURY - Average length of a Dravid innings.
-DELIVER - Italian body organ.
-DOUBLE CENTURY - Back to back Dravid innings.
-LEG BREAK - Incentive for Indian batsmen if they cross bookies.
-LEG BYE - Result of a particularly bad LEG BREAK.
-LEG CUTTER - Utensil used in LEG BYE.
-LEG STUMP - What`s left after a LEG BYE.
-MISFIELD - Daughter of Mr Field.
-NIGHT-WATCHMAN - Swiss timekeeper on late shift.
-NON-STRIKER - Pacifist Indian batsman scoring a duck.
-NOT OUT - A quiet night at home.
-PLAY SAFE - To wear a condom while fielding.
-RETIRE HURT - see Azharuddin.
-RUN BETWEEN THE WICKETS - The result of an Indian curry.
-SILLY POINT - Sunil Gavaskar's commentary.
-Foolproof Fielding - Saurav Ganguly
-Evils of Gambling - Shane Warne and Mark Waugh
-Diplomacy - Umpire Darrel Hair
-My Maiden Test Century- Courtney Walsh (only the covers printed so far)
-Books from Geoffrey Boycott - Playing For Your Team, French Conversation Skills, 101 Ways to Show Her You Care with the sequel Understanding Women.
-Javagal Srinath's Fitness Secrets
-The Catcher In The Deep - Venkatesh Prasad
-A Tail Of Two Runs - Anil Kumble, Ajit Agarkar, Javagal Srinath and Venkatesh Prasad
-Every Which Way But The Stumps - Indian fielders
-The Art of Clapping - Ajay Jadeja
-The Silence of the Keepers - Nayan Mongia & Moin Khan
-Cheery Press Conferences I have known - Mohammed Azharuddin
-Big Hitting - Rahul Dravid
-Facing Fast Bowlers - Ajay Jadeja

PEPSI

Q - Kumble asks Harbhajan to bring a Pepsi...Harbhajan brings a bottle of Pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar. Why?

Ans: Tendulkar is an opener

SHORT CRICKET JOKES

'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George.


'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side .


He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

The child brightened and turned to the mother.

'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


'What was your highest score?' 'A hundred and ten not out.'

'Mine was a hundred and twenty not out'.

'And what was the most number of wickets you took?'. 'Oh, no. This time you go first.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on.
By mistake he dialled the number for Lord's.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a long drought in Central Africa. The witch doctor had tried all his rainmaking dances, imprecations, but to no avail.


One of the elders observed that rain was never a problem in England, so why not send the witch doctor to London to learn the secret.

Off he went to England, learned the secret, and returned to the tribe.

He informed the leaders that these crazy white men had a big paddock of grass enclosed by a white picket fence. In the middle were two lots of sticks driven into the ground. Two men, each with a club, stood next to these sticks and waited for a lot of other men to spread themselves all over the paddock. Then two more men, wearing black trousers, four sweaters and six hats, came out to keep a close watch on the men with the clubs. Then one man got a red rock and threw it at one of the fellers with a club. AND DOWN CAME THE RAIN!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[gamerkid22]

funny jokes scorpion:rtfl :rtfl :rtfl :rtfl
here's some more jokes i hope that u all will like it


Sardarji & English

One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn English within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a english child and it will start to speak after 6 months.

NEVER IN LIFETIME

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."

God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.

Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.

Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state." Hearing this, God starts crying.

Laloo is astounded and asks: "God, why are you crying?"

God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime"

PAINT

A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day.

He replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can".


Cheating...

How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways?

He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !


INTELLEGENT SANTA

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000.

Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep.

SANTA's 2nd INTERVIEW

Santa and the interviewer
Santa Singh, who has a bad memory, goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, can you tell us your age, please?"

Santa counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um .. 28."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The man stands up and produces a measuring tape from his bag. He then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the
top of his head. He checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the he won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

Santa Singh bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, "Santa Singh!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies Santa," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

Banta Singh in Heaven

After death, Banta Singh reached the door of the heaven smoothly.

There he met Saint Peter and he said, 'Well, Banta...It is nice to talk to you but we have changed our policy these days. I will ask you a
question and you need to answer it correctly before you go in.'

Banta, with lot of self confidence told Saint Peter to go ahead and ask him the damn question.

Saint Peter - How many seconds are there in a year?

Banta, after lot of thought, answered,'12'.

Astonished Saint Peter asked him - But how?

Banta - January 2nd,February 2nd,March 2nd,..........

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

LOLz gamerkid they are so funny thanks for the contribution


Here Is Quick Update On Jokes !!!

Letter From Innocent Banta Singh !

Dear Mr Bill Gates paji,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have
bought a computer for our home and we found problems,
which I want to bring to your notice. After connecting
to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password
column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the
fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this
problem only in password field. We checked with
hardware vendor Santa Singh and
he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

Because of this we open the e-mail account with
password *****. I request you to check this as we
ourselves do not know what the password is. We are
unable to enter anything after we click the shut down
button.There is a button 'start' but there is no stop
button. We request you to check this. We find there
is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run'
has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change
that to sit so that we can click
that by sitting.

One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in
system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter
at my home. Also there is 'Find' button but it is not
working properly. My wife lost the door key and we
tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'find', but
unable to trace. Is it a bug??

Thanks,
Banta Singh, Punjab

How To Find ??

Qs) How do you find the most diligent sardar student in a class?
Ans) The one who invariably erases his copybook as soon as the teacher wipes of the blackboard!

Banta In Woolworths's

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat
>food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets
>suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
>
>Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
>
>Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The
>Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta "What! This is s_h_i_t !"
>Banta calmly replies "Yes, and I want toilet paper"

SHORT CRICKET JOKES

Gone in 60 Seconds

Q. Any Guesses which is Ganguly's favorite movie?

A. Gone in 60 seconds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ganguly to Donate Bat

Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Height of Optimism What is the height of optimism ?
Ganguly coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Indian Innings.

Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.

When would ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice any difference The bowler had a dreadful match, which cost his side the game. All week long he practiced hard for the next game. During the following match, he said to the captain, 'Notice any difference?'

The captain looked at him thoughtfully. 'You've had your hair cut, haven't you?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Here Are Some More (No Replies ) [SORRY TO SAY BUT AM I WASTING MY TIME BY POSTING THESE JOKES : ]


GANGULY

Q. What's Dada's favorite English movie?
A. Gone in 60 Seconds

Q.What?s Dada's favorite Hindi movie?
A. Aa Aab laut chalen

Q. What?s Dada's favorite song?
A. Ek pal ka jeena, phir to hai jana

Q. What?s Dada's favourite food?
A. Maggie (is done by the time he?s back from the crease, bas 2 minutes!)

Q. What did Dada say when he was asked, 'Why is it always necessary to wear protection (helmet)?"
A. "OTherwise, Two minutes of fun can ruin your life"

Q. Dada teaching kids ABC...
A A for Awkward bounce, B for Bowled, C for caught, D for Dismissed...

Q. What is the similarity between 100 m race and Dada's innings?
A. Both take same time to complete, about 10 seconds.

Q. Easiest way to get Dada out?
A. Just bowl to him ? He will get out anyway.

Q. How does Dada score a century in cricket?
A. By bowling 10 overs, he will give away 100 runs.

Q. Which is the best team in the world?
A. India ? plays with 10 people (Dada can?t bat, bowl or field) and still wins sometimes.

Q. What should Dada do after retirement?
A. Become catching coach, he offers the best catch practice in international cricket.

Q. Why did Dada decide to donate his bat?
A. He doesn't use it anyway.

Q. Who can beat Dada's record of 2 minutes at the crease?
A. Dada himself, if he can improve his running speed

Bowled Over By Cricket


In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The devils challenged the angels to a cricket match. "Remember," said the angels, "We have all the good cricketers up here.?"Yes," said the devil, "but we have all the umpires!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mental Hospital

Santa and Banta Singh were both in a mental hospital. Once they were walking past a swimming pool, Santa suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Santa out.
When the medical director became aware of Banta's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Banta the news, he said,' Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Banta replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.



Wedding Dress

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"


A SHORT SUSPENSE STORY !

A Sardarji happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Sardarji's turn came after many attempts by others. Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read : "Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients !!
Sardarji replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:

Oh God : religion

My wife: sex

Going to deliver a child : Suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
"Okay.... but where is the mystery ?" asked one of the organizers.

The sardar replied : Who is the father?

Sardarji was declared the winner for writing the shortest story!

 

[gamerkid22]

good jokes there .i loved ganguly's jokes very much ..........but why there were no replies from couple of days. they all were telling to change the thread name and now no one ever replies .that's not fair .anyways keep posting your jokes i like them they are really funny.

 

[gold639]

but why there were no replies from couple of days. they all were telling to change the thread name and now no one ever replies

What is so unfair about that?

I am sure that there are many people who are reading the jokes,but are not posting in the thread.

 

[gamerkid22]

What is so unfair about that?

I am sure that there are many people who are reading the jokes,but are not posting in the thread.

well if he wont get any replies he will think that everybody are bored with the jokes and after a few days he might stop posting the jokes .Atleast one must appreciate his work dude.

 

[gold639]

But you can't just keep posting stuff like, "Lol good jokes" ,because that is just spam.

 

[gamerkid22]

i am not telling that u should also post some (atleast one joke )with that spam

 

[Big_Boss]

:cheesy Mental Hospital, Wedding Dress and A SHORT SUSPENSE STORY! - These are the:rtfl

Thanks for your jokes Scorpion

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

well if he wont get any replies he will think that everybody are bored with the jokes and after a few days he might stop posting the jokes .Atleast one must appreciate his work dude.

yes i thought the same that one might get bored with my jokes & no one like to reply that's what i keen to know about that....so many views & few replies that's where i was amused but still ok & no one will say spamming by appreciating some jokes

 

[gold639]

Maybe not in the H & J forum,because Duff is mod

Now if Andrew was a mod here.........

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

hmmm what can i say here :


Here Are Some More

Marriage Jokes


A Man inserted an 'Ad' in the Classifieds: "Wife Wanted".
Next day He received a Hundred Letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sports Jokes



Baseball In Heaven


Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Why were the flies playing football on the saucer?
Because they were playing for the cup!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daddy,Whats Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough for a straight answer.
He proceeds to tell her all about the 'birds and bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Biggest Lie

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.

"Good Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"


Trip To New York (Blonde Version )

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.

The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

Born

Man: Santa singh where were you born?
Santa: Punjab
Man: Which part?
Santa: Oye, what are you saying part part ? Whole body born in Punjab.

Pizza

Santa Singh ordered a pizza.
The waiter asked, "Should I maike four pieces or eight?"
Santa Singh replied, "Just make four, I won't be able to eat eight."


Questions


Banta Singh to Santa Singh: If you tell me what I have in my basket here, all the eggs are yours.
If you can tell me how many there are, all eight will be yours.
If you tell me what bird do they belong to, I'll give the hens as well.
Santa Singh to Banta: Oh no, that's a tough one, at least give me one hint!



Exams


Santa Singh and Banta singh were fighting after finishing their exam.
Teacher: Why are you two fighting?
Santa Singh: The fool left his answer sheet blank.
Teacher: So?
Santa Singh: Even I have left my answer sheet blank. Now you will think that we have copied
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[borncricketer]

excellent jokes there guys....love it

 

[gamerkid22]

good jokes i loved the marriage and exam jokes