The Jokes Thread

[BigCrickNan]

Two fishes were in a tank and one says "how do you drive this thing?"

:cool:

 

[travder92]

Two fishes were in a tank and one says "how do you drive this thing?"

:cool:

lol i saw that one somewhere else today, hilarious

heres one, lol typical americans:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Lol...Stupid NASA!

 

[travder92]

“The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Microsoft

 

[Abhas]

haha.. i'm gonna buy it... (New Technology) lol..

 

[siddharth2002]

?The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.?

~ Oscar Wilde on Microsoft

Straight off the Uncyclopedia eh!!

 

[travder92]

Straight off the Uncyclopedia eh!!

yeah, that site is brilliant eh!

---------------

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"

She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

 

[Karachi Xpress]

Have a look at the Famous Cricketers thread

 

[cnbd_novice]

An engineer is waiting outside the Pearly Gates. "Sorry", Saint Peter tells him, "you are at the wrong place". He snaps his fingers and the engineer ends up in hell.

However, dissatisfied with the level of comfort and convenience, the engineer begins to make some improvements.

One day, God phones Satan to find out how things are going in hell.

"Amazing!" says Satan, "we've got central air & elevators. Who knows what the engineer will come up with next!"

"You've got an engineer?" belows God, "There must be a mistake. Send him back or I shall sue you".

"Yeah,right,"Satan chuckles, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

 

[travder92]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[Will_NA]

Haha! Brilliant one! :laugh

 

[travder92]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "So why are you crying?"

He continued, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He answered, "I can't remember where I live."

 

[Hooper]

Bahaha, very good Papa Dazzle!

 

[KBC]

 

[Gilly Fan]

Here is the text version.

One day, imma gonna New York City to bigga hotel. Inna morning, I go to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress, I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one ****. I tella her I wanna two ****. She say go to the toilet. I say no understand, I wanna two **** onna plate. She say you better no **** onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I donna even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go eat at bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock, shee tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you dont understand, i wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock onna table, you sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shite onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shite onna my bed. He say you better no **** onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go check out and the man at the desk say "peasce on you". I say **** onna you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.

LOL!